~Midnight Chaos~ V.2

Quizzes

2006-09-06T17:20:00.000+08:00

realized that i had been visiting this site, laughing at my results but not posting it. yep.....kinda fun to do the quizzes [comes with a lack of going out].

You Are 80% Grown Up, 20% Kid

Congratulations, you are definitely quite emotionally mature.
Although you have your moments of moodiness, you're usually stable and level headed.

How Emotionally Mature Are You?

Your EQ is 113

50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick!
51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese.
71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely.
91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that.
111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt.
131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin.
150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar.

What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)?

wow....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

man..this [below] is so super true..haha

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Your Career Type: Investigative

You are precise, scientific, and intellectual.Your talents lie in understanding and solving math and science problems.

You would make an excellent:

Architect - Biologist - ChemistDentist - Electrical Technician - MathematicianMedical Technician - Meteorologist - PharmacistPhysician - Surveyor - Veterinarian The worst career options for your are enterprising careers, like lawyer or real estate agent.

What's" Your Ideal Career?

catalyst this blog

2006-09-06T11:00:00.000+08:00

ii'm speeding up the death of this blog....ok.. taking that back....i'm gonna leave this blog as a placefull of eventful memories...yup i love you blog! ok i am talking to an inanimate virtual html created thing...

lessee.....what shall i blog about? aha!

==============WARNING! SUPER CRAP COMING RIGHT UP!
oh gawes..the cheese...eww..

sometimes people go on blog vs blog fights... now that is so darn silly....one would write about one thing...and the other woudl counteract it.....bit it is still a fun read.

and sometimes the blog aint used as a author to viewer voice box. it becoems a viewer to viewr answering machine. let's say.....tags. most of the time....there are people who visit others blogs to see if certain people ahve answered back to those people's blogs and not caring who the author is....and what the author has wrote...just throw in thier two-cents worth... lmao....sometimes it can be irrating. sometimes it can be just so darn funny. eg. A goes to B's blog to TAGTAGTAG!!! wahahahahahahaaa den C comes on. goes to A,B,D,E,F,G etc's blog.....see As tag......TAGTAGTAGTAG..lol darn funy sia...like a litttle chick....should have seen the super green one too.

i've realize that i am not making sense....nvm not that it is anyone ou'd know...it is just some people in the virtual world.

wonder why i have a fetish to keep talking about fakists......crap....it's not gonna get me.

i'm ranting my heart out right now! whoo! don't mind this post......really don;t mind it....i'm writing whatever pops into my head....

oh crap pimples are getting me....at the side of my mouth....--.- ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! must remove them.

========================END OF SUPERR CRAP=======

jeffrey almost got me killed today b4 lessons. tried to hitch a ride behind on my bike. almost toppled over with that big guy behind me..... haha... remeb the time when i sat behind him on his bike cycle to my hse play bbball. very scary. i'll never ride behind a guy on a bike. or a motorbike. except with my dad!!!! daddy you rock too! talk me out more on dirt bike ride! whooo!

staring at m POTC file...jack sparrow and elizabeth should be tgt! will is just a childish love sick guy! argh! don't like the cheese la...haha. i mean...to die for a girl...or kill for her...won't you just scare ther away....poor Liz. Jack's cool. i like him cuz 'neath the brash outlandsih style and 'tude, he is a good-hearted person. have you read the WIKIPEDIA personae info?

hate touchyness, unless it is someone i'm uberclose with..like my family.and christian friends....BIG HUG to you! at first huggin my chrsitian friends was very...in a way scary...but later it kinda became customary....i mean.....we are really so closse hugs are like....haha a physical way to show a portion of our closesness. whee! the only time i feel comforatble when i hug is wif my christian friends and family members. whoa...Charmaine and I hugged online...that was soooo funny. well it is winter there in Aust....and spring is at the door. glad she's enjoying it there. Bennie the bunny too! haha....still remember the nicknames us cousins called ourselves....oh Bennie! come to Singapore and work yar? stay around woodlands to admiralty so that we cousins can bunk in! ahaha Charmain too.. once 3rd year's done then come here. it's so lonely being the only Oois in Sg. in terems of close relatives.

still relember this:

Auntie Judy - the RUBY.....wow....
Kevin - forgot this tooo aww....
Shami Jie- i kinda forgot this one...oh helps....
Bennie korkor - the bunny
Charmaine jie - the champagne wow
Charlotte - the Butter? i think..
Tracie - the Lazy...i think...
Tessmin - the dustbin ...lol Bennie's doing
Tamsyn - dimsum - charlotte's doing..
Timothy- the potty: bennie's doing!

yup. so totally.

listened to some great music toda....want to get Bobby Michaels...Eunice said it was nice....must try and get his CD!

eager to go visit Kevin korkor's family, Claire and their son, my nephew Caleb Benjamin. Caleb's 2 years old! aww...so sweet and he has an extensive vocabulary. they are having another child nxt year..wow...so fast....

now my cousin on the other side, Dominic, is getting married. wow...i heard his wife is super pretty. still remember challenging him this.

"Dominic kor, i'll sure outtall you!"

guess i didn't he is a few inches above me...man..i'm stunted. gah!

my cousins are getting married on by one....slowly they'll be flying the coop. the pool of unmarried cousins are getting smaller. soon i'd be Shami's turn, Bennie;s turn...then Charmaine's turn....then eventually mine.... if i ever were to get married. haha

well i'll just leave it up to God ya? not gonna date, flirt or go after guys on my own. God's already written my love story, surely whatever He's plannned He'd make a way for it to happen. yup, so i am not your average girl who goes after guys, swoon at them. i'll wait. itll be my turn when it comes. cousins! keep together after we've grown up and hve our own family! meet up and lets cook grandma's delciousl peranakan recipes eg. kerabu bee hoon and achar!

Isaacis a black belt...goodness he was able to life me up even though he was as thin as a thread. yup he is MUCH thinner than james.grew up to be so handsome and charming too! argh! why are the cousins growing up so fast! miss our childhood days when we run around and spray super high powered water hoses down each other's shirts and pants..lol. remember that time when the grassy area in a part of the land in my Melaka hse flooded. whao.....natural swimming pool. all of us went dive into the shallow water hole, in the end all of us kena that stupid wooly caterpillar's 'wool' and itch like siao for many days.

or the time we all pushed bennie korkor into uncle boon's swimming pool. laugh like mad...in the end his HP got soaked too.

once, went to meet my 2nd cousins for the first time. Eng Hoe's cousin la. goodness. instant click....super good friends... the incident was funny.

one time went out with dad, uncle boon, kevin and bennie and talked non-stop about the world cup. super funny when kein andbennie talked. and we all start crowded around uncle boon's TV and cheer on the england vs sweden game. in the end england won...and some started agonizing.

i remember that all...down to even ome of the slightest details..i wonderwhy i remember them all when i can't even memorize my geog. selective memory? lmao think so.

i remember the no. ofcamping outside my house with the cousins...darn scary.....the tress would WHOOOOOOOO! and we allscream. and i remember poochies my dog suddenly poke his face into my face while i was slping on the hammock.eww. dog juice.

remember, i used to be here, as long as you hold me, in your memory... this is a sort sentence from Remember Me by Josh Groban...haha dunowhy i'm putting it here......quite nice though...

wow, can't belive i remember that still.

hmm....was thinking a few things after looking at huiying's blog...and the debate session on the topic of girls vs guys, who shall treasure when.....

no need to flood poor huiying's blog....

well...i believe that in a relationship, as the same as true friendship, requires the two person to co-operate with each other. it tkaes two to clap. not one...that would be....chasing a wind.

whether is is a guy or a girl, i guess only one person showing affections...isn't gonna make it work. because being in a relationship requires. co-operation. w/o it...the relationship is miffed..

guys papmering girls.....i don;t think i supprt it. girls....la ....must have some backbone. don; alway depend on the guys, there are much better things to do than to be fully dependant on guys. aiya........my pesky bro is aking the com.......with i time limit i can't think....diaoz... haha..good nighte

act

2006-09-05T22:44:00.000+08:00

still mooning over the death of steve irwim. man....surprising yet unsurprising his job was dangerous to start out with...never did we expect it to be done over by some stingray. =.=....

cycled to school took about 45 to an hour to arrive at admir. banged into jan and we went to pei xian's place. wah....scared of her mom man...make us eat until....bloated. though her mom is nice..and get bring herself down to our level of conversation. haha...yep PX, your mom rocks! haha

another small testimony! haha....today before a started out cycling, the clouds were already forming and the sky was rumbling den i prayed while on the road cycling : "Oh Lord, please let me not get caught in the rain, grant me a safe jounrney to school although this is kinda a weird way to go to school...." and YES! the rain did not come!!!! soon it was clear skies! Thank God!!! whoo!

though...i was super sweat when i reached ther. luckily i got myself my own bottle of ICE COOL water.....so really savoured it! had refreshing orange jiuce, courtesy of Mrs Tan...haha. just came on time to geog lesson.

it was nt really a lesson...

when they were filming...was so gonna burst out laughing... it was like to release tension in the room when they were filming....haha...

and came the worst part of the day - so the whole clas ended and they were picking a few students for some camera thingy... i thought they were asking us to hold the equipmetn... den mdm timah started choosing. unluckily choose me. gah.... well the toot me thought the mic1 role was something like to hold the mic for the person to speak or something....since i liked doing behnd the scenes like in spdlight. didn know my melted face would be in the silly camera and have to memo script summore. wa sian.
syafiq and i were so darn edged.... haha..but in the end i jut ii screwed it up la...not expecting them to record my super fake face on the camera. i look like a metled candle. haha...

ride back home. cycling is fun. when you have to ccle from the checkpoint to my school, then it kinda gets a bit sucky but the wind on your face is abstudely lovely! den came back...realized that my walk had become swayey....yep sit on that super hard seat until butt pain. den legs pedal like siao for like....5km until leg all jelly. walked like a drunkard. or walked like Jack sparrow to be more postive!!! :D JS rocks!

went home at 6.10 cuz the bloody interview thing was the last of the whole list...gah. oh 4got to mention. Mr Roy is a super good actor. he scolded leonard also like...so reall. got kinda jittery when he did that...whoa..dun cross Roy's path! haha. leonard is also a very good actor....unlike me... melted candle....dunno what gve me the inspiration to cal myself that. haha

went online. screw hw la...dun wanna do at all. chate with few people. played minesweeper with amos that pro. at least i tainted his 100% win scoresheeet! wahhajh... win 2 times against a pro! haha... btw amos....that was the first time i really sit down and play minesweeper. all these while i never knew a fig of how to play....so i guess you were playing with the SUPER TOOT! whee!!! well he trashed me so badly i wanna cry...really i was darn bo chap..cannot save liao. but stil was tyco in some parts haha. ya la...den pangseh me 1/2 way thru....maybe it is either was made to turn off or tthe com kena shutdown suddenly. haha...and i was on the winning streak lo....grr.... jkjk haha.

stiilll it was a rather fun day....learnt some stuff. both in school and at home. and i've just drawin finish a uber cute picture of a child and his toy dog. very cute de`! es...i can draw non-emo people liao!! whee! and it is freehand pen...oops...i'm boasting..... slap slap slap slap......ok....i'm not good at drawing...really. haha...just my one-peice worth .

oh no....

2006-09-04T22:39:00.000+08:00

~~~~~~~~man.....~~~

just came back from quite a half fun half sian day.

played pool. at times it was fun, at times it was not fun.....well the jouney there was fun cuz pei xian would always talk to me and cheer me up! love you pei xian~!

si hui wore make up. eyeshadow i think...and she wore a short demin skirt purple....t-shirt from 77th street i think and some high heels! peixian was lke a little lamb. haha...we could have been sisters. top to bottom decked in white. yep, white is the new IN! it is cuz a nice colour palette by itself. muz get her to buy the white topshop slacks...

the rest were dressed nicely. andrew as stylish as ever. so was wilson and darren. all wear those nice collared shirts. the rest dressed in casual t-shirt and jeans or 3/4 pants.

joel helped me carry my super large black school bag [mainly cuz it's the only bag i have], love you joel! thanks for helping me carry around. it made jeol look even more stylo with it haha...it's a guys bag btw....thats why it looks good on the guys...not me...naturally. :P

pool there....not so fun la....felt so left out there. like no one come joke around with me. bugger...pei xian was in another table so we couldn't really chat. Eunice seemed moody...dunno why also...si hui ar... i also dunno la....keep going here and ther and talking with the rest.

am i that hard to socialize with.....man....i daresay i tried, but nothing seems to work. not asking for help. these type of things gotta learn 4 myself. even in my own group of friends i kinda feel isolated and like cast one side. feel so left out. 'tis like some of them are hiding some grievances against me. -.- don;t know why either. but try not to be bothered by it.

ya....pool today was quite crap...so unlucky. shooot here and there the ball never go in. once i tried shooting a near ball and it airball and ploop right into the hole. darn it. =.=" siannified by that... so bloody unlucky...

like that.... O.o
after that felt like this..

ok... that was me...so lame...met janis!! at heeran....seems that her italian friends has come...

didn't go for the steamboat....kinda on the ex side though....and mom expected me to be back early. so in the end i went home with jason and darren. quite a peaceful ride home, with the three of us musing out the curent affairs of WRS aloud. got off at WOODLANDS and went to eat long john;s with darren. jason went home earlier cuz he needed to be back home and his family was hvaing meals. yep...saw allynn and her group at LJ's...didn;t talk to them though. not sure ofthem. yup. nice dinner with darren really enjoyed talking with him one-one. thouogh it was quite little the talk, thats what happened when you get 2 naturalll quiet people. haha...poor darren, kong cheng should appreciate him more!!!

nothimg much to say la......feel so dorkish and a loser right now...both in socialising and in pool. :X ....

but generally enjoyed the day to a certian extent...got it's ups and downs.

the saddendng and horrific part was when i heard from amos there that steve irwin died! oh gosh!!!!! he didn't die of a croc bite or those snake bites...but some measly stingray. what an irony....argh! poor guy. feel so sorry for him and his family. but at least he died doing what he loved doing. yep....

at my 98th post......gonna move to www.another-prodigal.blogspot.com soon. it has a more delicate layout that this very beautiful street art style layout. i think i'll use this layout a bit longer....on the other blog....should i use this layout or the flower layout? both are very nice..it's kinda hard to choose. btw another-prodigal is located at the new blogspot server...so it kinda have more functions as a user.

remoire

2006-09-04T00:31:00.000+08:00

well i think there had ben some misunderstandings and misconceptions on my below posts.

yoke is in was stated in the previous said posts from my understanding is that: we do not follow their practices and beliefs, purpose but we also must not be separated from them.

well if so...if we who has ben saved keep among the flock, not turning our heads to those unsaved, then how is the kingdom of God gonn expand...it'll kinda remina stagnant isn it. ok....i learnt this from todays sermon. kinda cleared up a few questions loadded up in my mind, and changes some affirmations i used to have.

but yet, i feel that they had been applying to me, since.....i dunno when, but fail it show it. hmm...have yet to have the heart of the father...seeking out lost people...in a spritual aspect.

i'm a bit sad that many people have negative feelings about Christians, viewing us as snobbish, pushy people...who want people to join them. quite a lot is due to the street evangelism. not that it is a bad thing, but it gained the influx of many negative responses. being a Christian is not about religion or following a certain set of rules. it is about a very special relationship with the Father in Heaven. and Jesus was the pathway, a bridge to the Father.

these few sentences are taking from what i learnt from today's sermon.

well i belive that every single soul is precious in God's eyes. like in the parable of the lost sheep, the sheperd went through rain and shine to find his lost little sheep when he ould have just heck cared and take care of the 99 other obedient sheep. God does not want us to be lost. He seeks us out. Why would God go through all the touble to look for one single disobedient person when He has the rest who are with Him? that person is not someone who God needs to depend on. but really it is the understanding that despite we being not needed b Him, yet we are so greatly looked after by Him, kinda gives us more than enough to love Him for what he has alread done for us. the understanding of why God would wanna love us so much...shall never be questioned or found out.

And for Jesus to come down to us, to be among the sinners, healling the ceremonially unclean, the lepers, the tax collectors, the people whom the Jews despise, yet he did not spend most of his ministry with the so-called righteous. why so? because he was finding the lost sheep. the lost men and women whose relationship with God had fadedaway by the years. and that should what our ministry should be about, notfocus on being clicked together as a tight group of righteous people instead minstering and going about everyday people, people whom we meet in school, at the void decks..etc...and help them find Jesus, bring them closer to the beginning of the pathway. Our purpose should be mainly to search and seek out the lost, since we are found through God' grace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i did not intend to question the gap between tru vs frienship. well dfferent people ave different feelings of what true friendship is la and what is not true friendship, it doesn;t mean that not having true friendship is having them as fake friends though....that is another extreme....so i'm not such a sad person...maybe i am so over focused on those which i feel are the latter that i have ture friends...wel there has to be a balance. not stating names, don;t wanna hurt people here and there. bish myself up.

Joycelyn should go out more often with me once the O's are over..then we can go shopping tgt...haha! she is a real good dresser and there is so much which i can learnt from Joycelyn both in the outer and inner aspect. ya know what i mean.sat with them in sevice today..Agatha was here also..had not seen for for weeks...regrettedforgetting to ask her for her phone number, well at least now i have it...can start callign her up. i wonder should i go for watchlight...

forogt to ask my pastor or sis ling about the verses i read two days ago. was rushing cuz dad wanted to go m'sia for dinner then quickly ran off. argh! nvm will see if i have the time to call sis ling about it. still thinking about the last part though...

and one thing i'd like to point out. i hate people spoonfeding me, i'd like a bit of backbone, but thanks 'mos for pointing to me out. well...hope we change and grow stronger in Christ together!!let's co-operate! if i were overdependinant..then i am really sorry if i bugged you or something. well...hope there is no harm done. :P but yea...that bit was more for clarification..i don't know what the last part meant.....think think think oso nothing come out. but yea..will ask God, i guess He gave some sort of an idea. but i'll ask someone to help interpret what it kinda means...:D

oh HAPPY B'DAY SI HUI!!!! today is her birthday and we are gona pplay ppol in around 12 more hours. i wana play wif ou. and S2j table.

oh and i have anew blog.. www.another-prodigal.blogspot.com yep. goa move ther soon once my 100 posts on this blog is done.

sungei loyang

2006-09-02T21:56:00.000+08:00

drank too much mandarin orange lemon with honey drink. like this short snippets very nice from www.fanfiction.net

It's funny what the summer air can do to you.

Vin especially loved the sound of frogs chirping as day faded into dusk. For what this small town lacked in entertainment it gained in beauty. Sitting under a tree, he could do little but contemplate his miniscule existence on this tiny little planet.

"You know..." a gentle voice would always interrupt. "A picnic would make this moment even better."

Everytime, Vin would smile and help set the blanket under that same tree and admire the sky with his company. No one had ever looked into his direction.

No one except...

"Sil," Vin would start, admiring her from the short distance between them. "To... our friendship."

Lifting her cup of tea, Sil tilted her head and smiled with mirth.
"May it last as long as we live."

"...Then forever it is." He would always add.

~~~~~flowers are falling~~~~

i am a sucker for tragic stories....bah

~~~~~fading still~~~~

i was reading a portion of Matthew and i just kept wondering what was Jesus trying to mean when He said this:

in my NIV bible

On the Faith of the centurion

When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. "Lord," he said, "my servant lies at home paralysed and in terrible suffering."
Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him."

The centurion replied, "Lord, I do not derserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, 'Go,' and he goes; and that one, 'Come,' and he comes. I say to my servant, 'Do this' and he does it."

When Jesus heard this, he was astonished and said to those who are following him, "I tell you the truth, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

Then Jesus said to the centurion, "Go! It wil be done just as you believed it would." And his servant was healed at that very hour.

Matthew 8:5-13
Copyright NIV International Bible Society and most of all God.

I kinda thought deeply about what Jesus said....what did he mean that the centurion had faith.... is it....that despite being a person from the Roman empire (centurion, most likely he worshipped idols as Rome worshipped gods like mercury..etc. ), not being a Jew like Jesus and his disciples...He believed that Jesus is the Son of God and anything is possible with him? sinced the centurion asked Jesus to heal by saying the words, not by laying his hands directly on the centurion's servant, he acknowledges and believes that the power vested in Jesus Christ is divine? well...i feel that i didn't understand the meaning behind this.

but let me continue...and the centurion mention that he commanded others to come to his place. When Jesus wanted to go to his house to heal the servant, the centurion declined Jesus from entering his house despite asking Jesus to heal his servant. is that that he acknowledges Jesus higher authority than him, and that he was afraid that he is ordering someone of a higher authority to heal his servant....?

i guess the last part was the hardest to understand...what did Jesus mean by saying: " I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth" ?

i wish someone could help me explain this verses to me...i'm a little concerned of what i understand of it.

anyways today was a rather pleasent day...except those few moments when they tease me about that same old topic...i;m so annoyed by it....thankfully i did not burst out in a horrible fit of anger. really was darn angry la...geez. what can you do when you keep on repeating the same old plea for them to stop it and they repeat it mercilessly. i'm rather fed up about it. Well God was there to hold me down....give me some self-control...if He was not there....then i would have failed in my temperment and my....patience...keeping quiet...really want them to stop...no matter how i tried they are not listening. why? do they think it is fun? fun for them that is..fun for me? no.definatly not. so much for people being sensitive to how peoplefeel hur....well i can also agree i'm not that sensitive too. but man...those are the people who have been said to be what? sensitive to the feeling of others. have they seen my distress? and i told them straight in the face to stop it...well no use getting angry with them la....

aniways...didn't go for the AWE concert tonight, expected it to end and reach home like 12 plus..like the hillsong delirious? concert last time..end at 10, reach home at 1 plus am. wow..Si Hui's having BBQ with her aunties at night...awww...cannot go to join her... Eunice wanna go rest. PX arr...hmmm she prob slping. bish* well at least i spent some productive time with my dad. tomorow's his birthday. so happy for him yet so worried....man....it is hard to belive that my parents are getting old....in terms of age i mean...i dont want them to... anyways the best it that the remain in the Lord and keep young at heart.

almost quarrelled with mom over some silly bag, felt so bad doing that. my fault. mom wanted to preent me from becomeing a teenage disaster when it comes to dressing. :P apologized to her...have to eat my pride.... no harm done except my pride. which i can just heck care with it la. stupid selfish pride. blah. anyways tings are going good in the family...just wish that we are more disciplined when it comes to family altar...hope my sis sorts out things with her friends. hey she is the social being among us siblings...there is this so called friends of hers in particular....so wanna give that person a hard smack. manipulate my sis. gah....sad to have people like that around...pah, nvm. hope my sis stop always giving in to that person. can you believe it, that girl sent hate messages to my sis, whom is her 'best' friend, just because my sis forgot to wish her happy birthday. -.-" wat the. so childish. dislike people just because you didn get a happy birthday from them, that is stupid. so what? hate the person even more despite being your friend for not saying happy birthday or not attending your party....maeks you sound like the queen bee hur...le sigh...poor sis. hope she sets her views straight and realize that these people...are not really friends...they are people users.

trying not to yoke with unbelievers....keep falling back to them...gonna try harder. but that deosn;t mean that they are not my friends. friends and true friends are different. true friends...2 or three of them....thankfully got 2 in my school to fall on should ever i fail. hopefully they would support me if i were to fail...and not just some temporary stand, which i believe and trust they won't. sill learning more about my cell mates....in time....well grow closer together....nice happy bunch of people. so is the tech team...it is like a small brother band...haha.

got myself the cover finally. was tempted to buy the planetshakers and hillsong music scores....unfortunatly i don;t have the $...aww. donate to 'Help the musician' fund. if not..i'll go listen and dissect the song piece by piece and play fom there. Eunice is interested in the music line...good for her man....gonna support her new found kindling passion. yayness~ now got summore to tlak about liao. JIA YOU! well if Eunice should ever go into the music line, i might just join her and co-produce or co-manage the company or studio.

i'm the sort of person who likes adventure...unfortunatly...well....seems like there are only like 2 or 3 whom i know who likes....going sports or adventure...le sigh....but our timings don;t match...most of the time i go myself cuz the rest are not interested. or they only go when certain other people are going. very wad la...haiyo. and when they go they complain....-.- when you go for an adventure....expect one thing -expect nothing. wanna do these - biking, blading, soccer, badminton, swimming, jamming with friends, pool-ing, bowling, bunjee-ing, camping, go to christian concerts/seminars or conventions...ya know what i mean (missed the planetshakers and that AWE concert...le sigh), shopping which does not involve me to try on things as the main topic, finshing, boat camp. start with the simpler things first la... le sian, nobod really does that..those around me... le sigh.. nevermind at least i have the speedlight youth basketball tourney coming right up...teamed with Phoebe, Junjie, Jonathon.

well i guess thats al i have to say...well can someone hlpe me with the verses above...ned to understand it...thanks....it is always on my mind.

2006-09-01T20:34:00.000+08:00

IT fair was fun.....yup. got a lot of nice things there....like the iMac....cool nehz.

alrighty that sounded so....effeminated. ew. but there was a lot of neat stuff at the IT fair...
bought myself a pencil case ath the Acts Bookstore. a christian bookstore at Raffles shopping centre. not enough money to get that nice bible cover.... going to go there again to get the bible cover and a few hillsongs fakebooks....chords and all...man...they so rock! haha....maybe go get some bookmarks too. like the place....got so many things that interest me. i wish i had that super metal hard cover bible...very armylike very tough too....esp when you accidentaly drop it...it won't damage the bible inside.

IT fair too. the place was jam packed with people. could hardly move a hairs breadth. wish i could get that slim samsung ultra series phone....love it.

nothing much to say though.....i think its the shortest post i've written so far.....:P

In Christ Alone by Brian Littrell

2006-08-31T21:32:00.000+08:00

In Christ alone will I glory
Though I could pride myself in battles won
For I’ve been blessed beyond measure
And by His strength alone I’ll overcome
Oh, I could stop and count successes
Like diamonds in my hands
But those trophies could not equal
To the grace by which I stand

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone

In Christ alone will I glory
For only by His grace I am redeemed
For only His tender mercy
Could reach beyond my weakness to my need
And now I seek no greater honor in just to know Him more
And to count my gains but losses to the glory of my Lord

In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross
In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
In Christ alone
I place my trust
And find my glory in the power of the cross

In every victory
Let it be said of me
My source of strength
My source of hope
Is Christ alone
Is Christ alone

i like this song...it is on my blog....if u are lucky the random song would pick this out. well it kinda explain what i was about to say anyway. the song explains for itself. so....ya.

feeling so......nyuh....bored? beyond compare?

muck

2006-08-31T18:01:00.000+08:00

let us see. i'm feeling rather neutral today. got good and bad points of the day....come to think of it...maybe it is more bad than good la.

well, good thing is there is no studies. so we had free time. took initiative to sleep in the last maths lesson. was so tired. plus very sad that i could not be able to make it for my primary school meet up. -.-

sigh....cannot go east coast tml or go play LAN...sian....why do people say lets go here pr there then when i ask on the day b4...then cannot go....it kinda spoilt the whole enthu about la. nvm...not thier fault. the prob have more important stuff to do than spending time like that going EC. i want to spend more time with my friends. i just want to. i don;t know why. prob it is the feeling of loneliness that is eating me inside...now that i've unnumbed myself. it is that....want to spend time iwth people. get to know them more. understand the people out of school. guess no one wants to. i tried to encourage. but...oh wells. guess th've got other better things to do.

the whole clas was so darn noisy. head throbbing form al the thinking.....wanted to falre and ask them to shut it...but it would be stupid to do so. it would be rather bitchy and idiotic of me.

can't go primary school visit....kinda regretted it too. the teacher's day celb ain;t nice at all. the performance mostly. if the band had used a DI box to connect thier amps to the main house...then it would sound nice.....but i guess the singers butchered the whole songs. man....le sigh. poorly organized. but who am i to complain. i'm not the one planning.

don;t sound right either. hope i do not lose my conscience.

the class 'cher day slides were nice....my face was in it...unfortunatly..haha.

the cakes somehow were surprisingly good. but didn eat much though....ate the crumbs. don't go forthe main portion. cleaning up was quite easy.

wetn to px hse to visit for awhile. played the piano.....went on the com. saw andrew and amos blading downstair. si hui pointed them out. then she called them up to px's hse cuz her mom wanted to see 'mos. sweatz.

man. i think the brand of the blades are wad....scorpion? looks kinda ex and professional. unlike my cheapo china made ones.....

went home nothing much. read up a few fanfics. junjie didn't come today. tml gonna get those photos frm him. hopefully we stay in contact after that. he is my CI btw. well used to be. but guess we are just now friends.

have i changed? i feee i;ve changed and some parts of me i don; like. i've become too overreactive. beating people. more like smacking them and i hate doing that. just because i'm not good at words...i go slap them back. and i hate doing that. i'm not like that. that is so.....no substitute for a word. and not me. the me is a self-control person. this me is very reactive. beat people just cuz of a little thing. gets pissed off easily and shows it.....i don;t wanna sulk. damn it!

i so don't like it when ppl say untrue thigns about me. like today when we were goingto px house......on the way after school. darn it la. bloody stop that nonsense. it is not funny you know? and it is damn untrue. can't you guys get off me back in that certain topic. geez... what i am to him is only FRIENDS....and nothing more. so just bloody stop it cuz i'm really pissed off. i tried to tell you but nooo.....don't listen. keep on saying sorry, but you always keep on doing it again and again and again. i want to cry in frustration. dont like it when things get out of control.

everybody has thier own problems don;t add into mine already. shat....

i'm a control freak ok? i like order in a kinda of sense.

have i changed? i feel that i have...and some are not really good changes..

embaressment outright.

2006-08-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

today was quite an eventful day.....

gonna try summarize it.

my POTC file kinda broke.....cuz of the beastly handling....by me and anotehr fella. nvm bah. will fix it.

school was a tad boring...but oh wells got quite satisfactory results....in e maths and bio pract.....hope i could improve more. glad my studies are picking up slowly....yep inertia is slightly gone.

rather stressed out though....

so many people stress out. i'm one of them. got so many bo bian ppl around too la... the class atmosphere may be on teh surface a good one....but i reckon....it ain't a nice one....really. kinda feel that ppl put on a facade. hide thier intentions, pull a smile. darn it. i'm living in a world full of scheming, undermining people. though there are some good exceptions...glad to have them around. those are the people whom one can really place thier trust on. whywhywhy! must we have sin in this world? must we have deciet and lies in this world? huh? nothing pisses me off than decietful people. people get hurt cuz of them, how many friendships and trusts on those people are broken. can't blame them too...misguided. -.- le sigh....hate people who act so.......what is it? whorish....sorry can't seem to have a better replacement word....saw quite a number in my lifetime, in school, outside..in fact when i was in my teens..that is when weare more aware of our surroundings. those are so.....disgusting....and retching. ugh....that shows the superficiality of modern....people.....judging by the masked acts and the face. physical beauty is skin deep. inside...as in really inside...we are all the same....blood, flesh, guts. etc. ok it is a quote form CSI. quite a nice episode yesterday. poor nick.

but c'mon lar people. look at the person really inside. don't look at a person and that say o...she or he is good. really understanding a person is going past thier facade and see who they reallly really are. some people are wolvess in sheeps clothing. and some...may seem like insensitive baskets, but actually care darn much about you and it takes awhile to really understand the, those are kinda the two extreme.s i guess it just takes careful understanding and not just based on what they do. i guess thats why talking is good. Pastor Pacer encourages to call one another. haha. gonna try do this.

on a brighter side. CL B companion and I didn bring the iPods....so we talk...well i'm not much of a talker...and i tried to like hold a conversatoin...but that person is like....a log.....-.-" always give less than 5 words answer. nvm bah. guess he don't wanna talk to me...aww.......not that i can hold a conversation that well could i? harhar...but oh wells...singsingsingsing...

prelims were..in way rather easy. not to say it was a bteeze. challenging that is, albiet easier. the probability of me scoring in Chi O's is 0.2 in CLB, it's 0.5 so yar.....at least 50:50....ahahaha

crapped the way back. though i did most of the talking.....-.- so much for encouraging huh? ahahahaa....talking rubbish now.

for me, i believe that friendship and bonding are made, by doing tings together, talking over rational things....not by talking rubbish...cuz your not gonna learn that much of a person if you crap your way throughout the whole time. that was what i did in class...in the end didn;t know how to write those testimonial things properly...erps. yep...i feel that friendship...those which are close, can be found if we mke that effort to try to get to know those said people.

hopefully they don't push us away by the way we look, the way we walk, the way we cry, the way we laugh, the way in every way la. hopefully the initiative is returned. :D

so went to SH's hse to help them with the cake..man it was not fnisnihed. helped for awhile. then went back cuz it was ordained...but still had a great time sharing stuff with uncle joseph and auntie janice!! man they so rock...in adolescent terms. bit sad naomi and nathanial didn't come. so want to tlak to them after a long time. but poor uncle joseph had a mheadache so we couldn't cont'd our lifegroup.

pls help pray for my dear uncle joseph who in the in hospital right now under doctor supervision. he has high blood pressure. hopefully nothing would happen to him. he is such a great person. pray for auntie janice to be strong in her prayers too...yep...

went back to her hse to finish up the cake. heard that someting hap[pened btw two friends.....not mentioning it as i don't know the details later screw it up then i get burnt.

and i cried over something stupid...and it was in si hui's hse too...bugger me...didn't want anybody to see my fae when i cry. it loks like a melted candle...for lack of better terms. oh gawds.....yep didn read a friends comments carefully....then called the said friend to kidn like talk it out. didn know i would burst out like some dumb damn dam. oh wow...a rhyme. what can i say... my emotoins are so uncontrollable when it comes to stuf like this....cry here cry there....kaoz....

hopefully my chinese would pass. it's God's will whatever results i get. hope it is good though...

never felt so dumb after that crying episode...si hui said it sounded like i was laughing...what the heck.i was subdued by tears and my dumb intellect. no sense of humor and a bad joke filter one thing's sure.
it is ingraining in me......geesss! stop that stupid dumb spastic low self esteem tracie darn it! argh! ok...cooled down liao...i don;t know how many time i apologize to that said person la....haiyo....

eunice went to my hse to collect the baking effects when i was in punggol slogging my exams. man...that was real nice of her. of course....they don;t know how to operate the egg beater...which was a whisk.....only have to push push it. and the weighing scale which was kinda...they forgot to remove the sponge....double sweatdrops.

si hui's bdae coming...not sure whether i should go or not.....haiya...must convince me somemore....holiday ...at least it is in the holidays....got a high probability of going. hope parents allow.

ok i wrote a novel here. gee....

cakes...-.-"

2006-08-29T17:30:00.000+08:00

well, feeling very sian now. hand hurts like crap, head hurts like crap. hope afterwards would be better at home. sigh, my poor mom prepared the table and we didn come. feel so sorry for her. i have been bloody mood lately though i don't show it...can guess what i''ve been blogging these few days all the time. must be the stress catching up with me. sighables.....

my friends keyboard is sooo hard.....nhhgg...BANG BANG BANG~! gee...the keyboard needs oiling. no offence intended. sian....

sian sian sian sian......how can i describe to you how sian i am now.... every thing is kind going in the wrong direction. sian sian sian......argh! bish! i want a new life. a new joyful life....well iguessss that is a foolhardy thought. i guess life can be beautiful if you look at it at a different perspective. the joy of the Lord is my strength. well it kinda is true for me...well i try to remain joyful in whatever circumstances i face....but don't want to go until two-faced la. don't want to be like the Laodicians from the book of Revelations, not inviting GOd into my heart and...yea.....remain in oblivion about the way they are diong things for God. somehow...i suddenly feel unworthy. why?

i know by grace Christ came down to save us
but i just can' help feeling so darn unworthy la. :C

peixian i love ou so much. my dear muffin. but avocadoes rawk! like real!! bleah. get lost avocadoes! muffins rule the world!! =) *satisfied smile. (pei xian forced me to write this!!!!) well in actual fact is was peixian who wrote this bit.

aniways,

yep. cannot help feeling so sian. but hopefully, Christ will strengthen me. and progressively.

yup yupyupyupyup

man..
still feel damn sian now help! need some cheering up!

i was onced asked why i want to spend more time with my friends. kinda comtemplated on it for quite sometime.. maybe it is the feelin of loneliness surfacing outafter many years. bahhhh! many years of hiding. guess i have been a bloody sod all this while and i still feel i am.

have i changed. i feel that some parts of me have changed for the worse. i don;t know whther i;ve changedd for the better. being outspoken a little bit more is really scary for me. sometimes i kinda feel bloody regretting the things which i said. man......bit sad la.....i'm sad.....don't know whether asking you to cheer me up is right. blahh....mind blank

photo heavy

2006-08-28T18:24:00.000+08:00

presenting my humble guitar companion. haha....quite a great guitar after all that scrimping and saving yar...! mm....yep, all the hard work saving was really worth it.

seriously, i don;t like people callimg me rich or what...blessed, yes! but rich, no. just enough money to tide over for myself. yup. so pls lar....for goodness sake....ok?

anyways i love this electric guitar cuz it has a neat sound and quite easy to use. as u can see, there are two single coils and one humbugger. thus making this little guy very versatile. and the action's pretty low so yar....very easy to slide my fingers over it! very nice to play when i am lying down on the bed too...thats when i'm too lazy. haha. the amplifiers real cool too. 40 watts i thinkm and it is so heavy uggh...cannot carry around. the pickup is pretty old.....must change it to some newer cables. hope the lines inside are not corroded. but the sound quality is still good. maybe buy planetwaves for something....'mos reccommended.

speaking of 'mos, i guess i pushed him and some clzmates la.....feeling very pretty bad now, the way they react. i admit i went a bit camera crazy just now in class, want to take photos of you guys....haiz....whne i happy i get high....sian....should i stop being happy if it irritates other people....sighable.

so yar...went around to take photos la.....one reason cuz it is for the movie thingy for teacher's day. but on a personal aspect, is that i want some memories before i leave. i may not return to singapore for good. i really hope that i can further studies here. haiz...i am torn both ways. i really want some pictures of you guys and me so that i can treasure the memories. yup have a material memory of the times in our class and how we all looked like at 16.

so he brought some papers to sch for every one to write something good about one person on every 44 sheets. i kept pestering him what was it for and why.....darn my stupid curiosity. anyways feel so bad pestering you la if u are reading this....sorry. well i was rather irritating hmm? guess i deserve a slap or something. *bish*

i deserve i tight slap for the earlier unedited bit. yup i reedited it so yar...*bish bish myself* hope that the gaming lessons are still on, are they?

ya i wondered why he suddenly want to do this thing....maybe he wanted to do something nice to the class. but i wondered why i'm not such a good person who go to such lengths as he...gues maybe when i realized the value of that paper....kinda made me understand a bit, that we would wanna treasure the good things peopel would say/write about us. and this was material...in paper...something which cnnot be forgotten like in verbal. understood it now, perhaps if that is right...

almost snapped too. jun you that .....argh. destroying my POTC file.......i hate it when he does that. i keep it so nice and pristine and there he comes to destroy it with the markers. keep al your whiteboard markers from him la.

and i spoilt the prayer meeting....darn it.....tried not to be angry...and when i tried not to be angry...then i started to feel sad and alsmost cried cuz of the jun you incident plus felt a little guilty for pushin ppl to take photo....i try to be assertive...but i guess i felt that i was irritating...i was right? couldn't pray properly after that....sigh...feel crap about today la. i made people pissed and i myself got pissed. no one's fault la. myself.

the football match against 4e3 was amazing when you watch from the sidelines...i'll only klutz up in the match. took a few shots....

i begin to treasure.....the people in class....though....the school ain;t a nice place. funny when you know your time together is up thats when you realize the value these people are.

oh. and writing on the paper made me realise how much i don;t know about a lot of them. guess it is circumstances la, and my inability to converse with them. sigh...no choice. well guess there was some impt lessons a learnt while writing on it.

don't wanna go praising God on sundays and be a pagan on other days. i belive i am not doing that...must be living in the Lord everyday man.

si hui's well! yup, was very concerned when she vomited in school today. flt a bit helpless. can't seem to help her. smsed her awhile ago. now she is feeling better so thank God!

speaking of,....my mom told me something very interesting today. yesterday in church Sister Rosalyn was praying during service when she and a few of the lighters so glittering in thier hands after the prayers....it was gold dust she said. my mom asked if it were thier make up but she did not wear any. so....i belive that it was God's bleesing cuz, knowing God, anything is possible with Him. If He can create the Earth, the Sun the Moon and the Universe, Man, just by speaking words. how much more simpler is creating gold dust out of nothingness. but honestly i find it a bit hard to concieve...but since it is God who did this miracle...then.....we just have to gotta have faith in what He does.

btw. this is si hui. scary right this storyteller. i can imagine my kids saying "ah!!! mommy!!!! ta hai si wo ar! ta hai si wo ar! super scary! it was flabbergastingly bone-chilling" (yes i would teach my kids to speak good english. hhaha)

den i come in with umbrella/cooking ladle/ mad scientist syringe/ sword to bish her! "scare my kids, izzit? how could you! *bish bish*. my poor darlings. c'mere Artemis, Lucille." wahaha. btw the names are really nice names.....ritght? artemis and lucille.

jk lar si hui! dun cum and bish me with rolling pin la. you are indeed very pretty and beautiful. got a good heart to boot. :D

wish maybe i could be some part like you la....i'm kinda a plain person....with a rather plain personality, a plain face, nothign much extraordinary. but well i guess i'm beautiful in my own way cus God made everything beautiful in His time. haha. hope i got that right.

still cannot forget sec 1.

i remember the sec 1 signing up for the school. ya know the first time when we stepped into this teacherous school, so innocent, in our primary school uniforms to sign up? yup...can still remember she was infront of me. in the line. yup don't you remember si hui? i still do!! :D

this, fine mamdam and messiuers is my dearly beloved lionheart. rather ratty but a great cheery pal indeed. yup.. i know what you are thinking. i must be mad right? bt isn't it cute? and downright lovable.

it was decapitated and it's mane was cut off....but well it got fixed and got it's own name tag stitched on his butt. wonder why of all places the butt. but guess it looks better on the butt than anywhere else.

2006-08-27T20:23:00.000+08:00

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

CHORUS
Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

CHORUS 2x

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

~~~~~

maybe it is the sense of easeness with the friends in church around me and the singular of the Spirit within us that has made me rahter euphoric today. Sunday's always a great day, cuz it is that day i go to church at worship God with my friends. Was a bit late for soundlight (techteam), but they set it up aniways.

Met up with my cell for service today. i'm not sure who the guitarist was. but he looked a tad gloomy. nvm about that, that is what i saw, i can't see his heart, but i reckoned he is happy on the inside, praising God. yup, me too.

Pastor Pacer was at the keyboard and Titus was leading. i like the song Majesty so much.....it shows us how much we need God.

Sermon kinda like answered to my needs. it was about our response to God's love. I admit that i am shamefully not regular in my QT, and if i do, itis so.....vague and short.....nothing very intimate or very deep. it is soo...superficial and nothign that satisties my heart. i am trying to improve on my discipline, make it a point to do QT not out of routine, but do it everyday out of the love i have for my Savior and Lord.

Somtimes i feel that i am not responsive to His love, He has helped me so many times, got me through many things, made me a different person within. but have i returned His love by inviting Him in and wanting to get to know Him?

God is a gentleman, He comes when invited, thus we have that free will, and chioce whether or not we want Him in our lives. He does not want to make us love Him. He is alrady there for us, at the door, but it is up to us to invite Him for a heart to heart chat, in our hearts.

Guess i fouled up somewhere. still there is more to discover about myself. my purpose. Hope God will reveal it to me soon, but He would one day, when He sees fit.

thats why, the sermon meant a lot to me...i am gonna be more disciplined, not gonna be slacksidial. being slacksidial would develop into a habit, therefore i don't want to be a slacker whether in studies or in QT.

so after service, i went for CELL after so long....man...it was totally wonderful to see those whom i didn see for a long time or talk to for a long time. Kin Onn was very encouraging, so was Alina, cuz there was two tracys, synonyms, in tthe cell, so he called me, the younger, tracy 2. which was very funny, i guess he kinda enjoyed playing with the names....which is amusing, calling me and tracy, one and two. accused me of wantign to eat his chips. like so not....it was peri peri chips.... can;t stand the hotness.. haha. and it was in his shoe bag....eeeeeee......but nevermind. had a fun time in cell. learned a lot of thines and shared a lot of stuff. maybe this is the time that i could be myself.....be so natural...able to say my mind, without being judge, unlike in school, that tense ness and the cautioness of the people whom you are with. yup, trule enjoyed myself, and felt a small part of me complete in God. this is my spiritual family, and i want to grow with them, in Spirit, in Christ, in God.

so went to eat out with them at Koufu....mmm the meat soup was simply relishing.....yum go try! shared it with Joycelyn since we wwere shortchanged. yup both of us shared a meal.and the cell wanted to organize a praise and worship team for our rather large cell division. Bro Joshua would be th guitarist.....maybe i'll back him up if he is not there. Phoebe would be the violinist, MAtthew'd be on the tuba, Kean'd be on the saxaphone, i'd be the keyboardist. and we would jam at Sis LIng's place.....so funn! but i hope that i would be regular in cell now.... [ray that God will make a way for me to be there! just don;t give up! yay yay!

man... my techteam and cell group are really blessed by God....so many are multi talented....many play musical instruments...some even go IP program......whao sia.....some even are in the NUS juniors. smart blessed people. Thank God for them. Hope God would continue to expand and bless the cell and techteam.....for they are wonderful people, cuz of Him, ya? so glad i met them.

got to know the tech team better after today's meeting. very funny too. malcom is learning to play the guitar same as me! whee....we joined the same time and are learning the same stuff at the same stage...but he i 3 yrs younger than me. he is in IP program btw....O.o .

whhops....gtg do other stuff now.....blogging with a rather light heart.

Lord heal me from the inside out!

God bless ya alll!

neverland

2006-08-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

quite a fun day perhaps. so today....went to the library to study with the gang.

oh CUT.....btw Si Hui is in the FINALs for her wonderfull storytelling. maybe muz engage her to be a storyteller to my kinds in future....bleh...haha....so gonna get fired when she reads this. yep.....but exams are coming.....so i dunno what to do already. man....wish i could talk like her.....i have the words to say but not the movement in my silly mouth to say it out. aw.....so CONGRATS Si Hui!!!!!!

wore this sequin endorsed shirt out. of course with my pants and effects...don't be silly. anyways don;t know why they were shocked. whats wrong with me wearing that sequin flower shirt? can't i? but it was nice right?

jun you wore his school uni and did CIP in the library so as to get testimonials. a bit funny the walk he followed the poor librarian aound like a little chick...though....'little' is a bit.....nevermind.very funny indeed. but i guess he took out more books to read than put on the shelves. whoops

Darren, Jan, Me and PX were there studying and we took over Shi Ting, Jewel, Andy and Wei Teck's seats when they left. whee we got seats~! ok i am acting a bit crazy. mm...

studies physics....the rather usless subject. very hard indeed and it was only marsiling paper...i know we are not 'ppose to look down on other school paper....but this is Marsiling man.......i reckoned it'd be an easy one but nooo....it had to be harder than the pirated Anglo Chinese i had in my stack. O.o" read geog....no use...nothing new entered my head, maybe it's been stuck there but i don;t use it when it is needed.

the rest were doing bio, maths and chinese. guess onces the com is outta our lives for a moment....we woud conc on our work. but past of the tiem we were laughing at the Jan and Jun showdown.

met up with Joyceyln! wheee! though she came at 5.30 ....she went to do her work and left some stuff with us. very fun...and she left slightly earlier before us. went for miracle service.

haven't been to miracle service for a long time......hoping i can find the time to go there. God will make a way for me to go there!

God has indeed helped me a lot. Things He made me aware of, things which i never knew. but i gues the most wonderful thing He made me realize is that He made me realize that I'm loved, and I also have to love myself. Because, by loving myself, i would have the care and concern to take care of myself, my soul and spirit. and realize that we do need Him. cuz He is the solution to anything wrong within us.

I try not to be a person filled with self-hate. but a person who reflects upon my character and having that consciousness to do something about the things which God would be upset about me. instead of hating myself and ending up nowhere but down below. also....if you love something....you would want to take care of it, let it not be tainted and tarnished but polished up to the best you could possibly can. neither am i sayin that what i am saying is.....self-worshipping. that, my friends, is idolatry. we have to love our lives, appreciate it cus it is the one time which we can learn and accept Christ into our lives.

i'm glad that i came to know Christ. i'm glad that He lives in me and is looking out for me. cuz many times when life gets too easy for me, i may think that maybe i don;t need God, and He would pull me back and remind me that i dearly and sorely need Him indeed.

~~~~~~~~

was kinda sick after eating long johns and their now super oily fris and chicken...why?! why so oily....last time was not so bad.....they are torturing me and my love for their fries. felt like puking when i ate that. aniways when i eat more than roughly half a banditto, i feel like puking already. can't seem to figure out why.....maybe my gut does not want me to eat anymore and is rejecting it...oh noes.....i used to love food....now i kinda like eat for the sake of survival. what's happened? i don;t know.

ate lemon chicken rice for dinner. LJ's for lunch. lemon chix was suppose to be my FAVOURITE! what happened? i felt like puking too...good thing the cabbage soup saved my stomach. still love thier cabbage soup. maybe i might just wanna eat cabbage soup all my life...it is yummy indeed! hope i am nt getting buleamia. hope not.....

reminisce (photo heavy)

2006-08-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

gee.....this work was done from scratch with only filter tweaking, a Andrew's filter and a simple cutout filter from Photoshop. just love it! an of course, it was a photo of me, so ther is this person like thing in the middle...yup. hats me holding my lovely violin.i kinda like the bold outlining of neon green and very black black. and that dash of pruple...was unexpected. prob i like to take up photography as a hobby. hope i excel if i do.

yet another crappy photo spluttered out by me at 12.30 am in the morning.....gee....i dunno what crazy idead made me put the wings behind....haha....very lame sia

oh by the way, those two picture below in one of my emo posts...were done a few days ago....by me la....who'd be so dumb as to do my photos lor.....haha

aniways...i kinda like the red one......though i felll very weird posting my pics up.....feel like a camera hogger... :D
was going thru my old photos......love em' not mine you fool i mean the photos about other stuff.....haha later go post...mom is gonna skin me for posting so late. blah :D g'nite

dream a dream

2006-08-25T20:09:00.000+08:00

hrm...... in summary, it was a week of trials trials and more trials.

stuff which pushed the limits of my patience, coolness, and perserverance.

my life, honestly is a rather uneventful one. with the usual problems, the usual.....happenings. guess i'm just part of one big world.

i wanna break out of it! have a great adventure. personally, i don't want to be here blogging. i want to be exploring the world.....go rapid raftings......see the aurora borreallis. go on a ship in the Pacific...the Caribbean................

go missionary......do missionary work for God. hope He calls me to it one day....

but i begin to wonder.....why go overseas to help people when we have people here in Singapore that needs to be saved.. since I'm here, what am i doing.

what am i preparing for now? for God..? hmm......

i wonder wonder wonder, but i forgot that the answer to that lies in my prayers. feel that it'll be a lot of hard work to get me back on track.

and there are distractions like studies.....hmm....not one time can i think when studies comes bugging me mind.

gonna think about these.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

quite a peculiar day......
chasing jun you for my photo.....oh that so got me enraged.

must work on my tolerance.....tend to burst out of nowhere...

si hui asks me to keep long hair.......didn;t she like the short one? hmm...

gave JY the parker....nice parker.....was my first one which i bought....but never used it -.-"

don't feelike bloggin.......but ehy i like me new blogskin......finally went back to frames again.....nicer and hides the silly song chooser. haha.

aniways....i competed with some guys for those hold ur breath contest......i did 1 min 56 sec......which beat them all.....but someone had to go say.....breathing out does not count....hey i let out some air but didn't breathe in lor.......haiyo.....nvm at least i got 2nd.. 1min 47.24 seconds. haha...
e maths was so sian....cannot do a lot of question. it was almost like a maths...

hmm..... lengthen post time.....lalalaa....
~~~~~~~~

i wonder how is it like....to getawayfrom all this hectic life of Singapore......not to say that S'pore is a bad place full of stress and such. but yeah....like a spiritual retreat.......

ting is.....i don;t know where and when there is a spritual retreat.....mostly it is like planned for the leaders......i want to go......relax.......have a clearer mind to think.......meditate on things.....

don't know who shouldi go with to la....i'm not in a certain group or what......haha....

i want to take up more music.....music i my passion....really my passion but i won;t take it up as a career. 'fraid it would get spoilt and i lose my passion innit. so i'll stick to medicine........maybe go on missionary
go places where doctors are needed and help people... really want to do that....it is not about the money.....it is about the people. and that is my passion for wanting to study medicine.

maybe that's the way i care. don't have that ability to express care and concern.....but inwardly i do....so maybe....hopefully this could be a way?

maybe i want to work in biotechs.invent vaccines against diesease.....medicines...... 'f course i may not be able to really invent.....but the hope is still there.

but these are my desires.....maybe God has a different plan for me? guess it is all up to Him, what He wants us to do, surely He'll make a way for us. cuz it is His plan. :D

nice long chat to si hui's hse after that and then went seperate ways. i was thinking o'er one of the more intriguing ques she asked me......not sure how to phrase it but it's been on my mind... hmm.....
don;t want to write that long.....i'll just spoil the rest of my posts. haha...
byez and God bless you all kind readers.

drivingg

2006-08-23T19:52:00.000+08:00

maybe today was yet another bad day........

firstly....hmm..... well i was rather updset in the morning la..... got this split aching headache which no bloody one noticed....well i told them i had a headache......a real bad one but nvm. don't care anyways. oh wells that is not the main thing. and there is this constant pain the the muscle in my right leg.....struggling to keeep in balance. limping when the throbbing when was really darn painful. geog was frustrating. couldn't get what teacher is meaning.

summary was a big buggeration. could not do anything at all. and my headache ain't helping either. my whole body ain't working theses few days. not eating at all. in fact.....the seaweeds were the only main proper food which i had since..........monday? ya.... other than the sweeet in class, the cow milk sweet. feel so sick eating. kinda sick of eating.....makes me feel so........sick. like wanna vomit. blueh...

people say i'm so bottled up. am i? i thought i have opene up much more than my comfort zone..
but oh wells.....
i guess not that open as i thought i was.

ever since that monday things ain't been the same...

gah.. angry over some frustration studies and things not going the right way.

kinda frustrated that my friends can't meet up to studies together. always got something on....sigh.... i am not dependable on my own. scared shitless about myself. so undependable. and i've been trying to get em' together and all are sooooo reluctant. siannerz...i really need some help in my studying ne....gah gah frustrating choking mess o' me

on a brighter side....well i'm still gloomy but this cheered me up a bit. during Cl B we had our break. and i was with the handphone and iPod in my ear. was kinda feeling very siansiansian cuz my day was very very bad despite....
so aniways i told Joycelyn that i was feeling very bad and she replied me "May the Lord bless your heart" well even though it was simply words....but it was like i felt better. maybe when a person really means it, the other person can feel it. yep. so......i smsed her back.....

i feel that she's gonna be one of my best friends.....in cell she'd always sms me and look out for me... i kinda feel more myself around her amd my cellmates and other Christian friends. cuz they are there to help me emotionally and spiritually. it is just this me...who is so relectant to chagne. i dont want me i donlt want me!!! argh.

so gonna get to know Joycelyn. feel like hanging out with her more often... yep. hope that this is a wonderful start of a very warm friendship in Christ.

love my techteam too. hope i kinda fit into the team despite being the only girl there. Pamela has been looking out for me every service. Thank you, God for her. and Kevin and Nashrul....my techteam leaders....though they would not be in the youth service anymore...well they are youths but service in the main now. sad to see 'em go......

Nashrul must teach me drums. when i'm free. XD He's my division leader. very funny too. particuliarly when i played some weird rhythm nonsense beat on the set with his well seasoned drumsticks. we were all laughing. and then Abel took his sticks and hid it somewhere. Kevin came along and secretly hid it behind the door which is next to our tech post. and we were all laughing when NAshrul started checking Abel for his sticks....turned out they were hidden and the four of us laughed until our sides hurt.

must not be scared of Shannon. ahh!!!

still feel sian. don;t even want to go school tomorrow. sick in the head....no really my head hurts a lot...my right wrist and my right lower leg...

2006-08-22T19:46:00.000+08:00

we need Your Truth to encircle our hearts. Your Love, to encompass us. Your Grace, to save us.

i desperatly want to change for You O Lord.

my reluctant self contradicts my heart. the mind and the heart is not one!

there is still more to be dug and given to You!

change the way I praise You. make it more whole rather than just for me.

i hate i who i was, who have been, and who i am now. living with all that idiosyncrasies which i never sem to get out of.

i seek the life in You.

let not my anger, my pride and my fear impede me from my walk in Christ. cast aside everything which stands in the way.

~~~~~~

these few days have not been spiritually right for me. i feel dimmer within. maybe these is one of the lows in my spiritual life......reallly have got to make my prayers more effective. well those who read this..... please pray for me. i;m not asking of you all much. yea.....but i need spiritual motivation that comes from God alone and that physicaly motivation from my friends.

i need to get this out of me:

for many a years, i have lead a fear filled life. even though i kept on saying i was a Christian. it was since.......around primary 5 to sec present. honestly, i was scared more of people than i was scared of the dark, horror movies. i can honestly say that being chosen the leader for the prefectorial board in primary school was nightmare to me. i always thought myself as someone imcapable of leading. but i guess maybe what people see is different from what i see. should not delve into that.

i was and am scard of people hurting me again. i closed up. it was because of 'that' incident which left me....half-alive in a sense. then it was when i willed myself to be strong in my own accord. do not let others hurt me emotionally. i learnt how to keep my feelings no matter how painful it was. no matter how much i want to express. surprisingly no one noticed. so it was good and going. because the pain ingrained was so deep, put it in metaphorical terms, it cut my heart out.

and it went on for many years. hiding when i seemed strong. and the meaning of God seemed old-fashioned. i used to have that thought "maybe net sunday i'll just go to church" but next sunday never came. i said the same thing over and over. heck caring.

so with that fear. came the need for self-preservation. and with that came anger to those who invaded my personal space.

i know i have hurt many a people in my life. particularly those who have been my closest friend. i know that i seem hypocritical at times, caring when there is bitterness in my heart. helping when i was reluctant. laughing when i wanted to shout out how badly i want to deny. and i was constantly hurt, but i constantly hurt. such a vicious cycle.

i had tried to take out that speck from my friend's eyes but i had forgotten mine. when mine was screaming to my face to be taken out i dismissed it and it numbed in my heart.

a scream into the silence.

and there came the pride due to that i saw that i could handle myself on my own. i became yet another....rawhide. tough on the outside....but forgot i was soft in the inside. all raw and tender fragile and...

pride - never failed to get in the way. the pride in self-preservation. the pride and ego......believing that am i was was right.

until i came to know Christ.....that was me.. sick wasn't it. never walk my way. never ever.
i came to know.....that i was not dependable on my own. i did not have the reserves nor that fortitude. or that courage to be bold and to be open. i was a clamshell.

i can;t say that i am changed. but i daresay i;m not that who i was. God has healed me considerably, and He would heal me continually. make me a better person than who i am now. i just have to be patient. we can't get by without that void in our hearts if we do not included God in the picture. every family picture...there is God. our Daddy God laying His hands on us...protectively, lovingly. yes God's strict. He loves us so much that He disciplines us. that's why i also love my earthly parents. as they are physical of what God is doing too....in terms of love. thye care for us so much they don;t want to see us grow up rotten. I adore God's agape love for us.

if my mind were ever co-operate with my heart...

i want to know God. even though i claimed myself a Christian years ago, the existence of God and His ways were one big question mark. but now i constantly think: 'God, who are You?'

sometimes He answers through His Word -the Bible that is, and sometimes i know when it comes in a feeling when i pray.

there is joy in the knowing. joy in the loving.

draw me close to You O Lord! i;m coming....donlt wanna sit around and wait. i'm coming. i'm coming home!

tracie.....who are you indeed..?

snippet

2006-08-21T20:55:00.000+08:00

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held to

And what do you think you'd ever say
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away

And how can you learn what's never shown
Yeah, You stand here on your own
They don't know me'Cuz I'm not here

(CHORUS)And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
'Cuz I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I can be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am

Can you help me be a man
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

(CHORUS)And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change

They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me But I'm still hereThey can't tell me who to be
'Cuz I'm not what they see

Yeah,
The world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe

(CHORUS)And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on, and feel I belong

And how can they say I never change
They're the ones that stay the sameI'm the one now'
Cuz I'm still here

I'm the one

'Cuz I'm still here

I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

the day catalysm struck was 2 weeks ago. this WOULD be a severe post.
i saw them again. and i ran instead of confronting them. fear gripped my heart like a bloody vice and my weakling said RUN RUN! what a fool. i look at myself with disgust. i'm not the warrior i was meant to be. a coward's heart i have. silly bloody tracie clouded her head with dreams of glory and power but she failed to see her feet on shaky ground. now left with a beaten pride like a humiliated dog.

but it would be by the grace of God that would bring her back to her feet. next time, they would not be so lucky. she'll trample over those who'd bring harm to her, those beings, serpents, she'll keep her intentions pure and clean. she'll take up the Sword of God and his Holy armour. Smite those hindering her walk.

maybe her perspectives were warped.

~~~~~~

today was not really such a great day.
after all. i cannot help feeling upset after all that transpired. must be some kind of pattern to it?

must have been terrible for you, X musta been terrible for you......WELL IT BLOODY IS NOW.

relaxes....i'm gonna burst. want to shiftz my perspectives.

those who are reading this. don;t assume what i am saying in this post. Methaphors help generallize things.

bristling with the fact that there are pretenders all around. but who else can i say but me, too unfortunatly.

still there are those who would say stuff like "oh we like that" or "let us never fall out on each other". and these people are the same ones who inside say "gawds....how shit looking is that" or "i never really did like friend X". i hear it every single day. coming from these mouths. and am tired and sick of it. what is wrong with you people? why the two face? with one person act so nice and smile and nod, while behind thier backs you lie, gossip, and confide? if you don;t bloody like something, keep it to yourselves. it is the least respect you could give to the said person. or you either just dump the said person. it saves him or her the torment of wondering which side of you is real.

one of the worst things one could ever do, is to corrupt other people's views just because you hold a grudge against a said person. that is low. a total lowdown.

nobody's perfect is not an excuse for you to keep on doing that.

it is your conscience. and morals. unless whatever i said has become ammoral. which is certainly isn't true is it?

maybe we should just go bite our emotions down. our pride and envy shouldn't we?

thats right. i take no nonsense when it comes to people oppressing others. gah. what do you get with toying with people? satisfaction? gain? guess maybe you like temporary gain that is.

~~~~~~~

i've changed. for better or for worst. i really don;t know. but i really hope it is the better. trying to be more outward. but definatly i am seeking that grace which only comes from God. I'm sure that if i am willing to run the race that He has alreay planned out for me...He'd give everything to help me to the very last. But I must be willing first.

Speedlights objective is to see youths being saved by the grace of God. i am thankful that i am saved but i have to be wary. and wary for others.

maybe the above snippets would set you athinking.

but it is half my view/ half what people should not do.

stilll got a lot to learn.

sure would be under heavy fire.

the battle would be God's in the end. if i am wrong He would right me. Definatly.

2006-08-21T09:42:00.000+08:00

ahh

2006-08-20T17:52:00.000+08:00

honestly i am scared of some people in my church. maybe it is the way they look at me or i am just erm......overreacting. for example.....Shannon the WP. yea.....to me he is kinda scary looking, the way he loks at people and the way he talks kinda scares me seriously. yesterday when i went for rehersals, i open the door to the service room and lo and behold he suddenly stopping singing and stared/looked/glared at me. i dunno la...i think he has a scary face. like 24/7 pissed off kinda face. sorry shannon but u scare me really. so aniways i weakly said hi to the rest of e musician whom were kinda eyeing me. so unnerving. Pastor Pacer was bz ith the 2nd guitarist. and i turned on the technical com and did some stuff. with shannon around i waslike all timid and very oppressed la. and then within a span of....10 minutes in the church i left. felt kinda sian after that.

so today he was leading. and i was serving as the com person la. sync the lyrics screen was hard esp when shannon is leading. he would suddenly change songs or alter the sequence of the lyrics.....hands all sweaty from changing here and there......heart pumping and almost burst out of panic...so i got all erratic and stuff. i belive that i flashed the lyrics either too late or too fast or didn flash the lyrics at all. very sian... -.-" sweating in a wat.......22 degree room. thats a record.

and then the first song i think we came a bit toooo fast. change the lyrics like craz....ahhhhhhhhhh!

but note that shannon is not a bad guy. it is just me who is scared. in actual fact he is really a nice person. i've been to his cell before. i am just scared la......dunno why but gotthat unsteeling feeling in me. yep. i'm not talking bad bat him mind you. but it is just that i am telling about me being scared of him. not that he is bad ok? well hope that i eventually would feel comfortable around him as well as some other too. it is li;ke i am overly shy or self conscious...hm...gonna pray about it for sure.

Pastor Pacer gives us the sermon....the slides were also a bit out. Kevin came halfway to change the Running the Race lyrics.....den suddenly the Delete sign came out....and we were alll groaning cuz the whole speedlight saw the delete sign smack in the middle of the screen during the sermon. ack!!!

of course THANK YOU IAN FOR HELPING THE POOR SAID ME GETTING THINGS STARTED....normally i do sound. more familiar with it...but well first time at lyrics....so...yea.... btw Ian is the Tech team's youngest member. resembles my brother but much taller. He's P6 now.

after that.....the service was over and i found out that i could breathe. so hard to do com! hats off to those who can. poor me.

and had debrief.....surpised when they all said it was alright. but nvm....i'll think about that. and then nashrul taught me a bit of drums!!!!! whee......sat in from the the drum set for the first time....in ....10 years? yeap.......learned a bit when i was younger but 10 years as a long time and i forgot what was taught. so the itty bit which nashrul taught me was kinda fun. though i was just slapping the snare drum like in the military band and going crazy like a baby hitting pots.....meaning with no certain rhythm. was feeling euphoric. :D....pardon the weird logic. or isit not logic? i think the ones in front were the...dunnno what.... toms? tom drums?

could not play too long. LET team cmae for the 3.30 service.

but overalll the sermon was really important. and applied to me though it was a recap of the last 2 weeks ago. quite short.....but yea.....the application counts.

i find myself being a bit too overreactive. must be more calm in the mind. i don;t like impluse thus i think i really don;t like the was i react. must be.......more controlled...bleh.

lalala.

must be more in depth next time.....this one is welll not one of my better posts.

2006-08-19T22:36:00.000+08:00

When are we going to see? When are we going to realize that everyone is different – and that it’s a good thing? I am so sick and tired and trying to become what someone else’s image of me is, what someone else wants me to be? I don’t understand why we can’t just accept our differences and get on with it? Why do I have to be just like everyone else to be liked?

What is happening in our society of the ‘new and improved’ millennium? Are we so evolved? that we have to walk and talk and eat and act like someone else just to be liked? What ever happened to Viva La Difference? Diversity? Do we really want to live in a world where everyone is the same? Honestly, people, how much more boring can it get?

And yet I saw the same stuff just today. Kids picking on kids – and why? - because one kid is different. One kid is brave enough to be unique. One kid is breaking free of the norm? And for what? Just to get shot down. Just like that. This one kid was just not like everyone else, and so he is cast aside like it’s his fault.

Once again, I just do not understand the ways we have chosen to live. Why does it matter what clothes we wear or what we look like as long as we are good people within. Once again I ask, why Can’t We? Try this today. Go up to someone you don’t know, and get to know them better, not because of there looks or clothes, but because of the person inside them. Why Can’t We?

don;t try to understand this bit. it is an essay of someone twice removed. but i like the style of writing.

Sometimes, if you sit quietly enough, you can hear it. It's either the most dreaded sound in the world, or a comforting fixture which you could never live without.

They come in all kinds of forms -- watches, pocket watches, cuckoo clocks, grandfather clocks, Baby Ben, Big Ben, on the wall, on the mantelpiece, standing alone… Sometimes, they're even digital, on your computer desktop or mobile phone's screen.

They're always there, though.

Tick tock. Tick tock.

Counting down the seconds, counting down the minutes, every hour, every day, each month of any given year.

People can be superstitious about clocks. It's said that when someone dies, clocks sometimes stop at the time of that person's death.

Clocks can also be metaphorical -- the body clock, for example, tells you when to wake up, when to sleep and can even bring life into the world.

People live by their clocks. Daily routine demands it. Time for breakfast, time for school, time for work. Play time, break time, lunch and teatime. We are ruled by constraints placed upon us by the clock.

Time is counted with a clock; time is judged by the clock. As soon as we're born, we begin to age, because the clock keeps on ticking.

Clocks can be said to have faces. We anthropomorphise them in order to make them friendlier. There's nothing worse to many a student than the glaring evidence that fitting in more data in an exam might not be possible. Yet some employees seek solace in the beaming look that says, "it's alright -- nearly time to go home". But like humans, they can be slow or unreliable. Unlike humans, however, if they break, we can replace them, get them fixed or simply insert new batteries. Easy, right?

Many works of fiction have featured clocks. You might think it's because it's mundane, part of everyday life. Did you ever think of the imagery? Clocks in fiction can turn back time and rebel against the laws of physics. They can denote childhood, adolescence and adulthood. They can even indicate when a character is in their autumn years, midnight becoming a metaphor for death. Our characters can also race against the clock.

Sometimes, we treat time like a finite substance, because a clock has told us that this is so. Time never stops, never comes to an end, even if the clock tells us it should.

Perhaps we place too much emphasis on our clocks? Shouldn't they be only guides as opposed to an absolute rule? Is there really such a thing as being early or being late? Perhaps we should mourn for lost time that will be sorely missed when the clock changes in spring, or be glad when regain that time in Fall? Perhaps time, once infinite, truly has become finite solely because of our understanding, imposed by the clock.

Without the clock, is there any guarantee that our lives would be easier, freer? Or would we still hold to our understanding of time marching on and be paranoid because we don't know how much time has passed?

Just listen. In the silence, it's nearly always there --
Tick tock. Tick tock.

-- until that moment when our time is up.

Tick tock tick…

2006-08-19T22:08:00.000+08:00

lost me post to some dumb technical error....sigh......argh! all that 5 pages worth of rant is G(ONE.....oh noes....aniways i got the POTC hard file !! whee!! Cap'n Jack rawks!!! wheee! pirates

guitar

2006-08-19T20:50:00.000+08:00

well em....booyea? naw... too happy for what i'm going through right now. well i am feeling....neutral. well i don;t know what i am feeling right now. how dumb. ok....if neutral is a feeling then neutral it is. not feeling happy or sad right now. :{

so anyway today was yet another productive day of finishing chem and bio papers while studying in the library. asked a lot of people but in the end Darren turned out. Si hui didn't go cuz pei xian didn;t go.....den karen, then eunice -.- chain reaction. well hecks la at lesat got darren. james was near us though....at the arcade that is....he wanted to go but change his mind.....i gues he is trying to prove a point that he doesn't wanna study though i still doubt that.

met shi ting, jewel, andy and yew tat there too......studied with them for awhile. tried playing wireless on my absolutely elephant comparable laptop. must pay for the darn sevice....bugger. well i guess for 50% of the time we were all talking... studying can be quite a bore. productive discussing is fun. :D saw the jacket darren got for his b'day. quite nice. my white pants got dirty again as usual...hate to shorten it...must keep beliving that i would grow taller...until 175cm. don't worry. only 11 more cm to go!

on the brighter side....we met janis and her friend yi ling and made paper stars. did some social studies. dareen went back home earlier and the three girls went out around cwp. I BOUGHT A POTC HARD COVER FILE! wheee!!!!!!! we were all over popular bookstore looking at the books. and went to symphony to get picks as usual. my fav ones were outta stock so...didn buy. den went to samuel and kevin to looksee. want to buy those london type of caps.. very nice!!! ahh! :X went back very contented....can coming back to buy those caps.

here bloging and chatting with people. so much for eventful life. bahs

black sails

2006-08-18T22:05:00.000+08:00

fickle-minded gets me. ya see.....we were 'ppose to get a certain someone a gift. a rather thoughtful gift of epic amounts of moolah. and the said gift was due to the said person on monday. and we haven't even gotten the money in full! i'm quite mad at myself actually for being such an uneffective persuader or my methods of persuasion really....is weak. or is it really a weak cause? well i think not of a cause. it is me la.....not a good talker to begin with. nevertheles it is about the gift which is the main and upmost priority in the post. not me for now that is.

honestly i have to agree that we really can;t afford too much and buy so expensive a gift
becuase.....in reality we can;t. we are just students. i am not against those who buy expensive gifts......but i also feel that sometimes it is a waste of money. to be honest, i feel a rather large pinch when i part with my money for somthing expensive or branded when we can get something which is much useful'er' and more affordable. i'm not critisizing the fact that we should not get a gift at all.

i tried to ask people whether they like to chip in for thier friends present....but well if the don't want it is up to them. buti also know that not all knew about it. sigh......very sian....want to give but don;t have the means and resources too....badbadbad move on my part.

i feel that i am always kinda flexible and bend to others commetns and decisions. like for example...i want to do this. but the other person would say nononono.....lets do this instead...den i get easily persuaded. although i have a stong sense on executing that decision i made....it never ceases to fail as i donlt have nteh words to make my stand. therefore easily lose in a battle of the words. i hope i am not a klutz. and i hope i don't depend too much on other people. i want ot have my backcone at least.

pardon. i am feeling rather heaty. gonna cool down and have a nice QT of with after this...want to just let out my feeling to Him again.

yet agian, i feel...to put it in simple terms....like shit. agian. studies being the forfront of my worries. can't seem to have that motivation no matter how much i pray, how much i will myself. i'm not wat i used to be in pri 6....that time i had a lot of will and determination. now it seems sizzled.......pffft.

hate pretending to be happy either. cuz that'll make me two-faced. really i am so worked up.....under heavy pressure from a lot of people. and pressure from myself. i feel ashamed to ask God when i myself am not working hard. is that correct?

life ain;t easy as getting instant knowledge.

i hate being a slacker....truthfully i hate what i am now....being all lazy and all. must improve. but i always don;t improve......so hypocritical of me.......XC.

anyways...on the personal side, i still think i have got a lot of character and spiritual improvement. my sec 2 self hated the p6 self i was, the sec 4 me, hates the sec 2 self she was. i am beginning to feel that i am not that good either being so weak in the flesh and the mind as well. always being easily tempted to sin, hopefully never fall into it. there are still many parts of me that i''ve yet to discover. not superficial stuuf like talents or what 'feminine side'. but the inner, me. i'm a quite confused at what i really am and who i really am. can someone help me find out? well....the only person whom can give me that answer should be God. don;t think people even know me since i also don;t know myself.

yep, wait and hope abd ne patient when God will answer all the questions i have about me. sometiems we can;t just expect the answers to appear in front of us clear as day. sometimes it takes time and careful discernment before we can really understand what God has answered us.'

i admit i am not the best of people who can write inspiring words of encouragement whether in my blog or say it even though how much i feel it. i always have this ache and longing to be able to say what i really want to say, to express what i really want to say, in word which define everything about it. gotta improve on it though.

this post is rather badly structured. i dont blame u if you don;t understand.

dinner

2006-08-16T16:17:00.000+08:00

hey people, well technically hey blog because i'm writing in my blog and people are more or less indirect contact. so i am back at home and my com screwd up yesterday cuz of unfortunate reasons. but the good thing is that my RAWRRAWR now under the name of LionHeart (tm) was fixed yesterday! hurrah. and it was a job well done too. it was as if Lionheart had not been decapitated. and it got it's own name tag stitched at his butt too! :D how adorable my liddle lionheart (tm) is.

but unfortunatly certain unforseen circumstances arose and my poor darling Lionheart was given a crew cut by the crew consisting of Dominic, Amos, Alan, Chee Chun, JAMES and Jason. poor LionHeart (tm). luckilyLionHeart (tm) did not break down adn cry unlike it's new OWNer more known as Arvin Cadfael or less known as Tracie. ok....that was an exaggeration. it was ALMOST cried. i'm not so teary as i seem. just was very very angry for crew cutting my poor lionheart's mane. ahhhhhh!

been doing crap for the past few tests. more priority should be given to the crap subjects known as social studies and geography. help me! i am unfocused. what has happened to freedom! i want a ship and sail away to the oceans and seas! be free and play with the dolphins and climb the sails and man the wheel! man... but have to learn realative velocity before i can navigate....-.-"

bugger.

ok, so that was a rather shallow excuse of a term on freedom. but hey i want to GET OUT! and relax! less than 80 days till O's and i haven't revised! oh help me help me!!!

Lionheart (tm) and Arvin Cadfael outt to nap.

Looks like tonight, the sky is heavy
feels like the winds, are gonna change
Beneath my feet, the Earth is ready
I know it's time, for heavens rain.
It's gonna rain, yeah yeah
Cause living water we desire,
to flood our hearts with holy fire
Rain down, all around the world we're singing
Rain down, can you hear the Earth is singing
Rain down, my heart is dry but still i'm singing
Rain down, rain it down on me.
Back to the start, my heart is heavy
Feels like it's time, to dream again
I see the clouds, and yes i'm ready
To dance upon, this barren land
Hope in my hands, yeah yeah
Cause living water we desire,
to flood our hearts with holy fire
Rain down, all around the world we're singing
Rain down, can you hear the Earth is singing
Rain down, my heart is dry but still i'm singing
Rain down, rain it down
Do not shut, do not shut, do not shut, the heavens
But open up, open up, open up, our hearts
Rain down, all around the world we're singing
Rain down
(Rain down) Give me strength to cross this water,
keep my feet upon your altar, rain down
(Rain down) Give me strength to cross this water
keep my feet, don't let me falter, rain down
(Hey,'ey,'ey)
Do not shut the heavens
But open up our hearts, open up our hearts,
Do not shut the heavens
But open up our hearts, open up my heart.

crossroads

2006-08-14T18:15:00.000+08:00

i'm blogging again with a heavy heart a heavy mind and dried up eyes....

i just can't help feeling so sad and upset that today was one of the worsts days.

today was my english oral examinations and i personally screwed it up big time. i knew that it would not bode well for me....since i am weak in conversatoin and interpretation especially the picture. and well my my to my unsurprise i screwed up.

the reading was rathre ok. i can read. but the picture was about this fashion runway thing with little children on it. i could not put my thoughts into words....and the teachers asked me questions even before i can finish answering them. my mind was a total blank while speaking.

ok...crap... the tears don;t ever seem to stop do they....yea i am crying yet again...i odn;t want to comprehend what i'm gonna say to my mom and dad...it is like i have failed both of the and God. sigh.....i've beeen quite the useless bit.

i am feeling the physical pain of my worries....my shoulders are a lot heavier....i got this pain in my heart and my head. it is like a pressing kinda pain. like somethings suffocating you. yea...

so i had my conversational part of the exam and i stutters thoughout..the examiner only asked me a few questions but i knew i did badly. i guess my fate was sealed in red ink when i answered the first two questions...

so aniways.....yea.....hope GOd will restore me what was was taken away from me....i'll post the prayer of Jabrz later on...i hope that the Lord would expand my territory and i continually yearn and seek his blessings....yep....feelilng better after writing this short bit.

and oh.....i failed to mention that my musical extraordinaire friend Amos...aka mossie by his good friend 'Drew and another friend of mine a certain Mr James 'Lu Bu' Yap decapitated my now OWNED toy lion called RAWRRAWR. argh!!!!! almost cried again in class...why am i getting all teary eyed now.....tooo expressive already....anyways tahnks Si Hui for trying to ask abt how i felt for my Orals and good luck to those who have taken it! especially todays killer one. uggh!!! :D

This Man - Jeremy Camps

In only a moment truth
Was seen revealed this mystery
The crown that showed no dignity he wore
And the king was placed for all the world
To show disgrace but only beauty flowed from this place
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
He held the weight of impurity
The father would not see
The reasons had finally come to be to
Show the depth of his grace flowed with
Every sin erased he knew that this was
Why he came
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
And we just don’t know the blood and
Water flowed and in it all
He showes just how much he cares
And the veil was torn so we could have
This open door and all these things have
Finally been complete
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
Would you take the place of this man
Would you take the nails from his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands
From his hands

perspectives

2006-08-13T23:27:00.000+08:00

It feels like your life's crashing
Down all around you
Let me ask if it's really so bad
Look at the world in it's suffering
can you honestly tell me
That no one else could understand
All of the hurting inside?

Why can't you see that freedom
Is sometimes simply another perspective away?
Who could you be if your lens was changed for a moment?
Would you still be the same?

A young child looks through a great stained-glass window
Watching the people go by
Everyone seems to be wearing a red coat
His mother sees jackets in white
Now he can't understand why does she see it this way

Yesterday, you really couldn't see
By changing your angle a new world would be
Revealed to your once-blinded eyes by moving a few degrees

sigh.....had a rather bad day....and bad days to come...

gonna keep this short....felt so bad but God will cheer me up. yep i have confidence He will in my Qt, in Bible passages.
despite going to church i didn not feel any spiritual happiness. can;t seem to know why. maybe it is stress.
so yea before church there was this residents S'pore bdae celebration and then some minister called mr Khaw came. oh well..not that spectacular. honeslty...i went upstairs in a few minutes to get ready for chuch. the rest of the family didn't go....aww...was all alone. but Joycelyn and the Eunices cheered me up.
didn't talk to my techlight members though that much. i think Kevin was going through some sort of stress. after service he was lying on the com table for awhile and was all moody...a bit scared to ask f anything wrong...just felt uneasy if i asked.
was carrying my elec guitar in church...'ppose to change strings andindeed i wwent to change string at the shop near my place....you should see how that guy plays the guitar....better than anyone i've seen personally...the way he jams his guitars...

that guy is twenty-ish and he owns a guitar shop....his own solo mart=keting guitar shop!!! wow! and he is like the boos so he can take all his guitars and play them...and plays them smackingly good! oh gawds..i just went into guitar land!!! lalalaa

ahem..so yea...that guy was real freindly and during that 15 minutes i learnt a lot from him...how to tune my floyd rose systemed strings. (and the tuning was really cheap man...he charged me the $3 even though it was for the basic string system. the floyd rose string system on my guitar was supose to be more costlier but oh wells...he charged me the cheaper one. you go dude~! yay )

so happy then, learnt so much as he talked about guitars and i listened intently. learnt abt the diff guitar strings....how to use the tremolo stick thingy...and the different string systems. now i treasure my guitar even more cuz it has the floyd rose system thus can execute better and more expressive tremolo and wow the versatility of my guitar is absolutely roof-hitting....even better than a beginners...treasure treasure guitars....

talked quite a lot of stuff with that fella....played a number of his guitars....thanks goodness he is good natures..not many people would want to let someone like me try out their guitars for fun...well the one's in peninsula plaza are more...well uptight..XD except for the one with the indian couple....very nice people they are...the husband is a guitar MASTER..and i really mean it man...he is soo detail of his explaination.....every single string he tells me the quiality and whatnows....wow..so much to guitar than just strumming :D

yep so i got my guitar fixed....joked with the fella about buying a certain someone a pink SPI somthing fender with hello kitty engravement on it. and went back home.

dad got intersted and we went back to learn more......the nice guy let us try out more of his guitars....and the distorter pedals....oh they really rawked. thats when he took over and practically glidded his super long fingers oer the guitar strings.....gee he is a rocker man......my eyes like popped out...XD wish i can play like that
found out he is teachingor well in a way joined the semb cc's guitar club and they teach guitar at $80 for 3 months....WOW! so gunna go there an learn.

so i went guitar crazy today...and went to prepare some PnW songs for FA. from the inside out, conuming fire and better is one day.

thats whn the bad day started...

argh...screwed up everything with my dumb screechy voice.....forgot i had cough...den lost focus...went out of tune, went out of sync whil playing guitar...and all the stress unhidden started pouring out on me.....inferiority complex kicks in and here i am lamenting again. i cried like crap the minute i stopped playin cuz i felt rather dissapointed that i did not play well for the Lord today. went al upset...
i know that it is the heart that matters most...but i just want to do things well for the Lord. i want to be better for the Lord, praise Him better....ahh......

yep so here i am rather upset over myself....i hp[e that after QT i fel much better....

fireworks

2006-08-12T23:23:00.000+08:00

Come Home Running - Chris Tomlin

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You've been too long out on your own
And He's been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior's blood
And called by name, "daughter" and "son"
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness

yep. up goes another great song. this time it is by Chris Tomlin. He has other songs which are real good but slowly i'll put them up. i don;t want my posts to be a lyrics overkill session.

well, today i had a rather great day not studying....and well now it is not such a great day after all...-.- so i studied....in a way 'studied'. i am so upset o'er myself cuz i am not studying at my most efficient. i seemed to have lost my interest in studying. help~! ah...no doubt the best help comes of God himself. i can't seem to find any real motivation at all recently. i've been on the ocmputer.....barel touching my work.

i hope that i will stand resolute from this day this minute on~! i want to do well for God and for my parents. God is my heavenly parent and i want to make him proud! the same goes for my mom and dad! i want to see a smile on thier faces when they see my results.

since pirmary 1, i did not depend on my parents coaching in my studies. as compared to my sisters and brother, they rely a lot on mom and dad. i worked on my own. honestly. but now i seem to wish that someone would coach me. i am beginning to feel that i can't seem to be dependable on my own. look at me. i find it hard to study....it is becoming like a vice to me. oh help!!!

ok...another prayer item for me....to be more serious in my studies. i can't slack anymore! argh! i am so easliy distracted. God help me focus on things which are important and that would glorify Your name! i want to glorify You with my studies!! i need that determination and endurance which can only be given to me by You! i can't do this on my own!

after reading eunice's blog....i feel kinda ashamed of myself...that i'm not studying....how i wish i could say thank you Lord for the help that He'd given me in my O's. it is just that lazy me which does not seem to wake up and work parallel to my goal. ahh!!! my mind and my heart is not going in the smae directoin! must pray and get up from my current state! tracie! jia you!!!!!!!!!

oh and the fireworks was absolutely splendid! they whole marina bay was filled with sounds. they played the Peter pan soundtrack: "i believe in fairies" song! it is relly beautiful especially when the music swells to a crescendo and the fireworks burst into a dazzling array of muli coloured lights~! filling up the whole night sky. took videos and picture! want to share them on youTube.. oh and those who are curious what the music "ibelieve in fairies" form Peter Pan is...it is this really great theme from the Peter Pan movie..not the cartoon and the orchestration is simply...a state of the art! at first it is this very simple bell introduction and then the drums starts and followed by the whole orchestral and the violins working its way to a climax! you can listen to it in the music bar of my blog. -->>

ciaos...
and of course!
God bless you all!

ok...keeping this short...

Wholly Yours

2006-08-11T22:46:00.001+08:00

WHOLLY YOURS - David Crowder Band

I am full of earth
You are heaven's worth
I am stained with dirt
Prone to depravity
You are everything that is bright and clean
The antonym of me
You are divinity
But a certain sign of grace is this:
From the broken earth
Flowers come up pushing through the dirt

You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like you are

You are everything that is bright and clean
And your covering me with Your majesty
And the And the truest sign of grace was this:
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man


You are holy, holy, holy
All heaven cries "Holy, holy God."
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to be holy like you are

But the harder I try the more cleary can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing:
Your grandness in me
Making me clean

Glory, hal-le-lu-jah
Glory, Glory, hal-le-lu-jah
So here I am
All of me
Finally everything

Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly.....Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You

well,
this is another song to lengten my post...not really. well but i really
like this song. i like lyrical songs which has meaning to me. other
than that....i don;t really like the others. i feel that a song is
worth in it's lyrics. though good lyrics cant go without a good song
but the lyrics is what a song is really worth. you can have the nicest
song but improper or indecent lyrics....kinds of put people off and
well...not pleasing. thats why...christian songs are the best lyrical
songs. filled with inspiration (from a literature-based point of view)
and may different ways of expressing our love for God. but be careful
of what songs in this 'genre' you choose. some are not really
God-centred. but in the end....they are generally nicer songs than
todays pop songs...just listen to them...Paris Hilton's what...stars
are blind.....or the ages ago 'Genie in a bottle' by Christina
Aguilera. and this trance genre song "Barbie girl' ? oh the
scandalous...! (no flamers please whoever like this songs. but this is
my opinion.)

oh...i put the titles on my blog didn't i? but dont
listen to them for curiousity's sake please.....they are like....real
disgusting...the lyrics that is...and from a musician's point of
view...some of the accompaniment music are just plain.....GARBAGE!
ok...cool down.....this is not gonna turn into a harsh post.

so
anyways...i recommend you listen to songs from
Planetshakers...yeah......SUPER NICE!! espcially they like to have nice
guitar startings in their songs. BarlowGirl for the
ladies....yea.....some of the lyrics are for girls....around our age
and about growing up....life...it is good to learn from their
lyrics...but christian pals...the Bible is your no. 1 CONSULTANT!!!!!!
reminder reminder!! ok? good lets continue....well for the guys....not
to sure...maybe can ask someone else?

hey, hillsong is
GREAT....wonder why people say they ain't nice...but oh wells that is
thier opinion though.....i like hillsongs.....every week without fail
our Speedlight service would sing one of theirs..oh that reminds me to
print out sunday's serive sheet. wow...a reminder.

so anyways
recounting a few day's worth of reflections...nothing much on
thursday.....went and got myself something at $180 when the original
price was $600...not telling what anyways....else someone would be
screaming down my back. those who knows....SHUSH!! thanks! ^-^

friday,
God really worked His way for my dear friends Mun Ling and Eunice
Oon!!! they really worked sooo hard...God rewarded them with a b3 and
a1 respectively! wow! good job girls~! remember that it was because of
God that He has provided you that attitude to your studies and gave you
both the determination to strive for your goals and He has blessed you
indeed! give God the glory!! yea yea yea!

~i shall take m words into account too,,,,~

i
don;t know why i felt tensed up today even though it is thier
marks....must be the stres...prelim is a shocking 2 weeks away...O'lvls
not much far too.....ouchs....haven;t started on my revision! ahh

oh
before i go...let me reintrate that i might buy those effects in the
future when i have money....i know i can't be a jack of all trades and
master of all....but really i have the interest.....and that passion to
music.....food for thought....do you know hat orchetral conductors know
how to play like......at least 90% of the orchestra's instruments.
especially the violin, piano....etc etc. now that is genius for
you.....my friend. my rather musically-inclined friend who can play
guitar, DRUMS, piano, recorder...

~gonna save for a distorter pedal soon.....ouchies..!~

trying
to transcribe the pirates of the caribbean's "He's a Pirate"
score....that is total wow the song i mean...not my abilty to
transcribe.

so anyways...io shall bid all ye who has read this a very good night.
and God bless you all!
cheerios!

2006-08-10T03:39:00.000+08:00

Average Girl
So what I'm not your average girl
I don't meet the standards of this world
Chasing after boys is not my thing
See I'm waiting for a wedding ring

No more dating
I'm just waiting
Like sleeping beauty
My prince will come for me

No more dating
I'm just waiting
'Cause God is writing my love story

Boys are bad that's certainly not true
'Cause God is preparing one for you
If you get tired waiting till he comes
God's arms are the perfect place to run

Sleep that's the only thing For me
'Cause when I sleep God's preparing one
for me

this is a nice song by BarlowGirl
well on a personal stand...i don't like dating...call me conservative or whatever....i just don't like the sound of dating....i find it a totally meaningless pastime since we are not of the eligible age to get married and well....don;t have the financial independancy yet. i really don't want to be dependant on others than my family and God. never want to, never will wish to want to, never will. hmm....do i sound so negative about having boyfriend....rather really. oh wells...sooner or later i'll find one whom God wills. That really is the best. but still if i were to get married i'm not gonna like quit my job and literally just stay at home and get auto income from my hubby, i'm gonna have my OWN job! whoopie! my own financial reserves and independancy. c'mon.....all the education we go through....and after that settle down to become housewife....that is not really financially effective to your parents is it?

ok....blog ranting again...well it seems my perception of some stuff have changes...i don't really know how to put in words but....yea....it is like being more aware and consious of other people....trying to wake up from my own little world of sorts...i mean....quite a lot of realizations has dawned upon me....most of them which can make me feel uneasy but served as lessons. yup...i just have to live through it and learn from it.

I can't believe that I'm here in this place again
How did I manage to mess up one more time
This pattern seems to be, the story of my life
Should have learned this lesson by the thousandth time
Cause I promised myself I wouldn't fall,
But here I've fallen
And I guess I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do
Is cry to You
*Chorus*
Oh God, You have to save me
You're my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me
I can't seem to make it
On my own
I always thought that I would be strong enough, oh oh
What made all of them fall couldn't take me down
Yeah, did I think that I, was above it all
I have learned that pride comes before the fall
I can't promise myslef that I won't fall
'Cause here I've fallen
And I know I'm not as strong as I thought
All I can do
Is cry to You
*Chrorus*
On my own
yea yea yea yeah yeah
yea yea yea yea yea yea yeah
God, you have to save me
You're my last and only hope
All my right answers fail me
I can't seem to make it
On my own
On my own 3xs
yeah yeah yeah

it quite explains me in my current situation...i can admit i am capable of doing the wrong things again. but it is really by the grace of God that i do not repeat those mistakes which i made over the past few years. as i grow older....my perception of things...particularly my Christian walk with God...changed. i can't say how...but it is like being more cafeful and more protective of my soul. the concept of heaven and hell become more real to me than some story which i heard now and then years ago. i become less ignorant of things around me and more careful of what i say...though sometimes.....things shoot out wrongly...-.-" help me. there are a lot of things which i need to change for the better. i am really still trying hard hard hard!

what i want to be the most: a tool for God. His military girl. for Christ to the people.

i'm still a long way from there. God be my guiding light. Remain faithful in my prayers and joyful in my hope.

ahhh...i saw the fender electric guitar...in yamaha music store in M'sia...feel in love with it and want to save to buy it....sis is so interested in playing guitar....so yep.....saving to buy the elec and we learn together. hey don't say i learn to many things ok? it is just that i like piano and guitar...want to specialize in them two. probably would be able to play drums and bass guitar after England....whoopies! and then can start trying to learn digital musicalizing...for the lack of a better term. ok...deviating agian...

wish to buy: (over the span of my lifetime)
a fenders electric the super beautiful black and white one.
that roland amplifier
saw that 3.5k ovation dunno what series guitar....so wowies (not buying... got one already)
that ibanez bass guitar
a steinway piano hopefully a grand piano
maybe a yamaha drum set (years later) or a Ludwig...whichever is better. or maybe the silent one but i heard that it is crap but it looks kinda cool
a media centre...which is a computer dedicated to sound and whatstuffs.
a house to house theses stuff
a laptop with super large storage space....with lightweight components and a sleek design like VAIO, with bluetooth, wireless and blablas enabled.
trenchcoat form mango...that white one...
a mp3 player with bluetooth function.
more paper for my writings.
those super nice rings from TAKA jewelry....i'm not rich so i'll settle for those $3 ones...XD

ok i am getting way out of hand from my budget...but i'll get heses once i have my own stable income....hopefully i can afford them! so wish i could be a part-time musicican. i love music alot! maybe can just do freelance songwriting and composing...not intending to sing really. i doubt my singing capabilities.

ok it is 4 am in the morning....gtg catch up on sleep...been caught in traffic jams since 11 am yesterday. good night and God Bless you all dear readers who have read this until this point ---> . <------

bad

2006-08-08T22:58:00.000+08:00

hrm... what a day. my legs are all wasted from the endless walking around Jusco.

this is not a daily life rant.

but yea... bought a lot of stuff. spend RM100 on stuff.....ahh! help! nice outing with Eunice, Pei Xian, Jun You, Andrew and Teng Loong. wahh.....Jun You nad Andrew know more about dressing nicely than me.....so shameful for me! sigh.....i got horible dressing. aww man...

can never stop feeling rather petrified after that incident. that incident

i always remind myself that my God would protect me. but i am such a weak human....weaking. there is is new surmount of fear coursing through me ever since that day and i keep on praying for it to be just a one time thing. so filled with fear.....fear......ahhh! help!

maybe i should just go delete this blog....too many people base me off this blog. not giving commetns about that...or shal i just change the URL.... how could a person base someone off the words he or she writes off her blog? it'd rather undertand a perso through his or her action in real life than just mere blog....horibble ramifications of a blog. hmm..
ok i am devieating..

let's see... a rather quick evaluation of Tracie

a not-so-average 16 yr old girl
super easil gets angsted up
jump to conclusions
not good-looking
neither am a well-dresser
hates spending other people's money
rahter pay for her ownself
quite wary of what other people are doing...(don't think over on this)
very sentimental
gets out of control
cannot express her thoughts into words

so etc.

rahter shabby...but oh wells....so gonna work and improve myself

and baiscally to sum it up.....it is a well.....losing sitution.
sigh...

i guess eunice was upset that she went to M'sa and not si hui's hse..cuz jan was ot going in the end so she wanted to go si hui's hse instead. on that smae day si hui had asked her to go... aiyah/////a bit crap....but....oh wells....hope she is not very upset about it.

ignorem me....i'm just feeling so dreary after that incident.......not anyon's fault but comeone lar! dun put the blame on yourselve la! it is so like what la! i already told you people not your fault....what else can i tell you?

2006-08-07T19:32:00.000+08:00

unmentionables. pardon the previous post. it was a immature act of impulse. i'm trule sorry if i have every changed your perception of me....but the deed has been done and i will make up for it.

gomenasai

2006-08-05T17:14:00.000+08:00

Complacent violins.....become my only physical friends....

i never write indecent lyrics like most pop culture artists

Acceptance - Arvin Calfaye

They laugh at what she says

They mock in every way

She tries to please them, giving all that she could

Shuned from conversation

Lost in transalation

Given cold shoulders, given cold shoulders

But she'd forgotten, she was not alone

In the listless nights she was tossing and turning

You cried out to her, but she closed her ears

And now she's regretting that she'd forgotten you

A mask she adorns everyday

What lies neath her smiles

She doesn't realise that she is dying day by day

They give her false words

Said they'd be there when she falls

In the end she could not call them true friends

She had forgotten, she was not alone

Everytime she tries to seek the approval of people

She had forgotten the one who was just beside her

When would she turn behind to see who'd been with her?

14 June, she broke down

None came to her aid

They carried on in their own little world

She stopped running

Realising her goal was in vain

The world is not her home in the end

"Open my heart, Lord!" she pleaded

Kneeling before the glory she felt so unworthy of

All she was led to believe caved in on her

Guilty stains were hard to wash off

"Come, my child, my child

My lost little girl

I'm here to comfort you", you whispered

In that finest hour

In her weakest moment

She found another to pursue, not man, You

The world, the people can all go to past

She thinks not of them but thinks more of you

Because, human acceptance is never permanent

Human comfort will never fill the void

Even if the reason coming back to you

Was because of fear and refuge

Do not close the doors on her

She was misled and mistaken

The emptiness only You can fill

In the end....she is me

...i don't want to be alone, Father...

This is me...hate me, like me. but this is me. and my first attempt of songwriting.

2006-08-03T21:19:00.000+08:00

i'm a very troubled kid, i conclude.

well troubled. ok....hrm....argh! why can't i seem to have the words to say to my leader when it is time for me to speak up! i always have the points in my mind....especially right now. these are one of my 'think clearly' moments. bug....ah!

pardon some use of strong sentences and whatever is written is not directly to anyone personally. this is not a sob story but what i'm thinking in a rather clear mind.

so anyways, i haven't been feeling normal since.....mid of July. quite a lot of events had transpired by then....in the family, the friends, the church and in my spiritual, emotional life.

well some signs were that i wasnt eating well. i skip a few days of meals and if i ate, it'd be either soup from the noodle shop in the canteen or a makeshift measly portion of rice with vinegar and one or two crabsticks. really, i've been eating like rationing. like i;m just eating enough for the minimum if survival. even my mom complained that i'm not eating. eating disorder. bugger....not my mom......but bugger that something in me that's preventing me to eat properly.

i've being stressed out over studies...i can admit i am a really competitive person...one who feels the pinch when someone scores better than me in subjects...albiet chinese. i used to automatically buck myself up, but now i seem to have lost that fighting spirit. taking in whatever is given no matter how bad i feel when i don;t do well. i don't seem to feel that will/drive to study like i used to. a fire that's sputtered out before before the final battle. like my physics and chemistry for example.....they are HORRENDOUS! my bio...i'm losing all the keywords that i can remember. gah...help pls!

but i will never use these poor excuse of studies and say that whatever results i get it's God's will. cuz no! i've realized that it is our own laziness. we can;t expect ourselves to go slacking, 'heck-caring' about our studies and think that God will make a way for us. that is one part of me which i loate about myself, being a really BIG slacker! and please don't say that "oh but tracie you mug mug mug mug and never stop muggin!" cause bottomline is...that i am a horrible mugger. a good at loafing type of person. i have come to realize that God can't work through us if we do not start being hardworking. whether be it in school, family and church. by being hardworking in family and church and slacking at school and homework, it just makes me another hypocrite and two-faced.

One who is slack in his work is brother to one who destroys.

Proverbs 18v9

What would we destroy?

Our future. Or even the chance to say: "God was the pillar of support that enabled me to get this far" when we did well in our O's and even further, our careers. Yes I can agree that what God wills for our lives, and He would open the doors for us for His will of our life to be done. But how can God open the doors when we are ourselves are not even trying to put in our effort?

Yes, i really hope for me to study hard hard hard....i'm worried about a lot of stuff until i want to like...release it? ok bad idea...i know what i'll do.

oh yes, it has been bugging me in the mind. But i don't know why we are like that. I really don't like this side of me either. what is it called? insensitivity...yep that's it. i really don;t know whether to mirth about this or frown about it.

lastly, one of the things which pisses me off is really when us Christian are not practicing what we preach. we have the words to say but not the actions of seal it. i really admit that i am a horrible person. a downright sinner who has a lot of sins to my name. everyday it accumulates and accumulates. but i desperatly cling on the the hope that God will forgive me for them and continually strive to change my ways. yea so back to my point, i am real angry at people and myself who keep on encouraging one another but we ourselve fail to see our mistakes. some of us, for examples would tell people that try to be more like....wary of other people's feelings but they are the same people going around teasing people and unknowingly hurt the others. behacing so paganistic. for the sake of socialising....WHAT! mocking and teasing people are ways of socialising...? i too am guilty of that i admit. but what would teasing and mocking people bring about? i know young people nowadays well make friends by what.....trying to annoy the hell out of the other person....and the person tries not to be angry and takes it as a joke? calling people names like....idiot? stupid? why do people call friends that? do you know that it is really cursing the person?

it is really weird. if someone can help me understand, why does teasing and mocking people allow ou to gain friends tell me. i don't understand why. but these are my views. it is not that it is a bad thing i have to say, but the level of relationship of friends build by that is just so superficial.

i feel that close relationshpi with friends are cuild through sharing thoughts and getting to know them in person and not by chasing them with waterbottles, throwing stuff at them, blah. but pls do realize that you can't do these things, it is just that i'm telling you that the relationship build is not so....stable with that.

i also admit that i am one of the worst people you could ever make friends with...i am really a horrible person, with outcast views...not a person who is like.....the teenagers of today type of person. sometimes i stop to wonder if i really was from this time period, my beliefs and views seem to clash with those of modern society. but God has put me here for a purpose. nothing happens with coincidence, He doesn't play dice. i will find my purpose here on Earth when God reveals it to me.

i don't want to slack and fall behind.

i feel that this is a rather diluted versoin of the harshness i'm feelling right now...just to get it clear and frank...

i seriously don;t wish to suddenly scream out and lunge at people.

i dont want to grow weary of my run....and let my fight just die like that...

i can't blame you if you don;t like me after i've written this...i'm truely truely a sinful person trying to find a way around here...begging for forgiveness. i must find myself. Tracie....who are you really?

Pirates

2006-08-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

THIS IS A PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN SCENE! GO JACK SPARROW GO!

sian....i cried at this part of the movie..."hello beastie"

i am so worked up over the notion that my favourite fictional character Jack Spa...no CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow was eaten by that evi montroustisy of a veastie called the Kraken! ahh! so huffing sadd.....cries in a corner....i gues everyone thought i was crazy but who cares la! i like to cry when i see my dear characters get into those tragic events...like the phantom of the opera...still cry when i see it. muz have been a shocker for si hui and darren...knowing me to be a sort ofa control freak...but i get very emotional when it comes ot movies la.....i hope that elizabeth gets jack in the end.....not so fond of will now after the 2nd movie but he is still a good guy la...norrington is such a pain....but the actor has a nice voice nonetheless.

so enjoy those very short clips...at the risk of spoilers of you haven;t watched the moive yet. so gonna watch it again and again and again.

Walk A Little Straighter Daddy

2006-07-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

Walk A Little Straighter Daddy

I remember looking up

To look up to him

And I remember most the time

He wasn't there

I'd be waiting at the door

When he got home at night

He'd pass me by to go to pass out in his chair

And I'd say

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're swaying side to side

You're footsteps make me dizzy

And no matter how I try

I keep tripping and stumbling

He stumbled in the gym

On graduation day

And I couldn't help but feel

So ashamed

And I wasn't surprised a bit

When he didn't stay

He stumbled out before they called my name

If you'd look down here you'd see

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're leading me

And I thought

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're swaying side to side

It's not just me who's watching

you've caught everybody's eye

And you're tripping and stumbling

and even though I've turned 18

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're still leading me

The old mans still like he always was

But I love him anyway

If I've learned one thing from him

It's my kids will never have to say

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're swaying side to side

You're footsteps make me dizzy

And no matter how I try

I keep tripping and stumbling

if you'd look down here you'd see

Walk a little straighter daddy

You're leading me

Yeah walk a little straighter daddy

You're leading me

this is perhaps one of the most beautiful and sorrowful songs i've heard so far. this is a cry of a child to his father to stop being so wayward. i haven't heard the song though but i reckoned it'll be nice.

what makes it so special is that the song delves deep within a child's mind. innocent, yet wary of good and bad. it is a pity that there are many parents in the world who do not give a hoot about thier kids. especially so in the fast-paced modern society where the parents come home after slogging off at work and start reading newspapers insead of sitting down with thier children and talk to them. the worst lots are those who inflic harm on the kids even though they did nothing wrong or wereinnocent to thier surroundings.

i'm just so glad that my parents aren't like this. they are a realy cool pair and even though we used to be very distant, it was GOd that brought us back together.

so aniways about this song, it touches my heart as i reflect on a lot of things. like parents, why some don;t give a hoot about thier kids.....they are their flesh and blood by goodness! if i ever had kids, andi discipline them, i would most probably go to my room and cry. it is my flesh and blood, it is so hard to see them cry. and i just wonder of these type of parents are even human by beating up thier kids for no apparent reason. and there are some who are....well, to engrossed with thier own lives, get drunk (as mentioned in the song). permenently scarring their kids for life. sigh.....walk straight daddy, walk straight.

children no matter what would always look upon thier parents as their role model, the very person they can emulate. but if the parents are wayward, they produce wayward children. as the child in this song cries out....:

You're footsteps make me dizzy

And no matter how I try

I keep tripping and stumbling

if you'd look down here you'd see

he knows that the father is a drunk and a couldn't care less type of person, it was a painful childhood for him, knowing that he would always have grief in his own house, finding it hard to follow his father.

children are a gift. yep that is what i really believe is. this is really a inner feeling...

if i ever should have children, i would never never ever ignore them. not overly pamper them, but make sure that they are assured that they know that thier house can be really called a home. a physical place to run to when they are downcasted. knowing that there would be me and their dad to comfort them and find solace and warmth in. i want to be leading them the right way a child should grow up. my greatest fear if i ever become a parent would be whem my kid says: "mom, you're leading us the wrong way" or "you're always not there for me."

so i want to stand resolute. that if i should ever have kids, i would see through every single moment of thier lives. go out swiming with them. go on picnics, biking, sit with 'rm to do thier homework. drag my husband along to witness thier graduation ceremonies, every single one of them and of course....have our family altar. Let Jesus bind the family tighter than superglue.

i'd wantto read them bedtime stories when they are young and watch them drift to sleep when they are older. teach them how to play the piano and guitar (if i can play it well by then). bake their birthday cakes.....(i'm really sentimental). and of course take lotsa picture with our own camera.

i don;t want my kids to say 'you were not there for me. why?'

i'm getting all warm and kinda happy just talking about this. hmm..

i want to hear them say: 'this is my mom, i'm real proud of her.'

i want to come back homw from work and squeels of delights from the hall, "mom! you're back" and followed by a warm tight embrace. .

....i'll try to never let my kids be wayward. and as a parent(in the future) would try to never be wayward.

ok that would be a bit boring for some of the people who are reading this. but well yep this is my heartfelt confession on this topic in particular. it is really hard to imagine what our lives would be like in the future. but i have my dreams...and wish that iti'd be a reality someday.

guilt trip

2006-07-29T23:51:00.000+08:00

well....i am not exactly on another rather cliche guilt trip....it is an exaggeration of the guilt trip i felt just now cuz i did not update my blog properly.

i owe kong cheng a blog update!

it is HIS BIRTHY DATE! whoo! gogo KC! you can watch NC 16 movies now ahaha! and your first POOL trip as a legal 16 year old. whao!

so i went ta church this morn' for rehersal for tomorrow. went to set up the sound system as the guys (yes, techlight is all guys. i'm the only girl in there) were not there. well i was a bit unsure at first whether or not i should go. but something in me made me muster up the courage to go inside and reherse with the rest...consider my anti-socialness. yep, i thought i was locked outside the church....realizing that i just need to push that door...ahh!

yep! so aniways, Pastor Pacer was the first one to greet me. he's such a nice fellow.....well yep even though he did not really know me yet, he greeted me warmly, stopped singing and went downstage to talk with me. haha....felt a bit paiseh cuz i was a bit unsettled when someone whom i do not really tlak with one on one came and talk to me....hey i guess i must train myself to be more warm to people whom i;ve just got aquatinted with. so even though i was one-man manning the technicals and pastor pacer and the music gang were upstage rehersing..., i guess he wanted to make me feel not left out so he'd wav in my directoin sometimes....sigh.....i wish i was not shy;....be more open....den wave back......instead of doing that....when he waved...i looked backwards to see if someone was behind me. nobody....den i was all paisehh!
ahh! someone help me get rid of my paisehness! he's my pastor lor.......muz be natural around him. saw JJ at the drums.......WE ALL BOW DOWN was a real nice song.....and i was analysing the rehersals with my music knowledge. Pastor was like whao! a good conductor. very funny to loz......sing wrong lines a few times.

i just cannot stop staring at the drummer....not that i am infatuated but awed at the moves la. very nice...i tried behind the cover of my technical board to emulate JJ's movements....but failed miserably....very very de nice...now since they are rehersing, can move around more. ahh net time i must come earlier to talk to them.

so i left at 1 something to PX hse to borrow some cinese songs which she owed me like...months ago. -.-" joker la PX! aniways, LOVE YOU TOO PX! for lending me 4 albums...though strangly, two of them do not have CDs.....but enjoying the album arts inside. haha!

went to CWP and met the rest......si hui, darren, kong cheng, leonard, jason, chee chun, janis, andrew, alan, james. we ate at swensen's with zi gui coming in later but still finished in the end... gave kong cheng his wonderful 'it took me 16 years to lok like this' t-shirt. aww! man......but it was around one size bigger. nevertheless he was really happy with the gifts...so i;m pleased! nice to see friends smile. oh yea....i own jan some $$.....argh!

james.....that joker la..had to get sick and say that i made him smell CL2 gas....hmmm i kinda regret it now if it were me who got him sick.....bah.....rashhness. apologize to him already. that joker had to go see my smses.....-.-" nvm james! i guess i pay fer your doc's fee ya?

KC's mom came to swen's and wow she really was like......talking with us....well you know most moms say hi to their kid's friends and den just tlak to the child alone but KC's mum was like joking with us sharing food with us and very very friendly.....nice!

so they went for a movie. leonard and I didn go watch movie called HOODSWINKED. instead we were drifting around cwp seperatly. i went to popular to buy two jack sparrow series books.......dun ask...i'm really hyper abt POTC! and went to music juntion to buy DIRGE OF CERBERUS OST! THEY FINALLY SELL ANIME AND GAME OSTS! BLESS THEM~! pity the POTC soundtracks were sold out. 0.0 .....what gives..

so aniways they siad that the movie ain't nice at all but funny. hmmm and we went to play pool/snokker near my hse.....weirdly, i didn;t even know that the pool centre existed.... wow..

was tyco for the first few minutes and the last few minutes la. played with zi gui, leonard and kong cheng, chee chun mostly....didn play with darren, jason, andrew, px though........darren and jason were at the far end, andrew, si hui, px.......well they played aomng themselves laz.

zi gui funny sia......climb on pool table just to shoot! haha i'm quite lousy considering that i've played pool in my hse for some time.....aiyah it is just shooting balss only....never knew the rules until now. geee.........
ye[, so just to summarize it all.....it was really an enjoyable great time with friends~!

zi gui asked me in the cinemas, why do you like to play with the guys? well honestly, i don;t play with guys just cuz i want them to like notice me in 'that' way, i told him. but from what i feel playing with guys are more carefree and enjoyable than playing with particular girls la. girls.......too competitive....if they lose they upset like dunno wad la. always the case...and then if they think they are at the losing end, they 'cheat'. bah....and then cnnot play hard else they get banged up and well......get annoyed for like a long time. aiyah....it is this really crap part of females la. the guys in our class are more well open la. i can just join in and they assign me a group to play....very fun de! can play rough and they know me, that they also can play rough even though there is a girl on the pitch. just play as usual.....! also i can play hard too......unrestrained! and when score goals......we all are like laughing and dun care who wins or lose.....it is all well. one big fun time out there den we start tlaking about the moves we all make...like who tackle who etc.......yep!

well it is 12 midnight and i'm 'ppose ta be sleeping. >.< yawns.....gtg!
tml's sunday and gotta be hyped for sound system! have to maintain a good ear! and an awake mind for God!
good night! and God bless everyone! pray that He would heal any pain and conflicts which are going on inside you!

neverland soundtracks

2006-07-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

never been so happy. i bought the original dirge of cerberus soundtrack. here are some of the reviews of great soundtracks which i really reccomend you to listen if u have a ear for good music. as in really can understand the different sounds and interpret the emotions from it. ya?

FInding Neverland

Pops in Finding Neverland CD into player, blasts volume, sits back, closes eyes and travels to Neverland*

The plucking of strings greets you on "Where is Mr Barrie", then the triangle, followed by louder string sections, the volume builds up, it gets more dramatic, a choir lend their angelic voices, cadences rush forward one after another - all these on the very first track. The music here is happy and uplifting.

Even on more melancholy songs, there is always a tinge of optimism. Overall, the theme to Finding Neverland is uplifting, catchy and extremely pleasing to the ears. If I may say so, this score is symphony magic. The orchestra is so well conducted; and most of all, the composition by Kaczmarek is flawless. The music is mystical, it gives you the feeling fairy tales do - and captures the spirit of the movie.

Finding Neverland the score stands perfectly on its own when taken away from the movie. My personal favourites are "The Kite" and "The Play and the Flight". These convey emotions that completely overwhelm you. [I have felt this twice with music and movie:

1) At the end of Return of the King when Aragorn bows to Frodo and the hobbits and everyone else follows; and

2) At the end of A Beautiful Mind when John Nash makes his speech, and the audience give a standing ovation and Jennifer Connely gets all teary eyed].

If you want that feeling, Finding Neverland gives you it. It's hard to describe; but try it for yourself. The Neverland Piano Variations are good, giving a different twist to the score. Anyway, the score itself is great from start to finish. The competition for the 77th Academy Awards Best Original Score is stiff, but Finding Neverland, in my opinion, should be the front runner. And when you do listen to it, you might want to try putting on headphones and turning the volume way up. YOU WILL FIND NEVERLAND.

Pride and Prejudice

Pride & Prejudice: (Dario Marianelli) As both time and technology continue to barrel forward, it seems to take more and more talent to do justice to the writings of Jane Austen in their screen adaptations. With her stories already made for the big screen in most cases, it's even more difficult to both capture the spirit of Austen's novels and do so in a fashion that doesn't step on the feet of previous adaptations while performing that delicate dance. In the case of Pride & Prejudice, it's hard not to forget the BBC adaptation from as recently as the 1990's, not to mention the renaissance of Austen's work that hit the big screens with much critical success at about the same time. The newest adaptation by Joe Wright, casting an unexpected group of youth in the lead roles and peppering bit roles with established actors, has been met with considerable critical and popular praise, infusing the story with fresh blood while maintaining all the necessary authenticity required of the story. In the age of institutional marriage in 18th Century England, Pride & Prejudice is a standard Austen tale of a family in the process of marrying off all its daughters to the best suitors and revolving around one particular daughter who at first refuses (just like her suitor) to fall in love but, of course, inevitably does so. A great deal of modern readers and moviegoers find Austen tales to be intolerable, partly because they are so consistent and partly because they exist in a far more rigid and less tolerant age of society. One of the consistencies that plagues the adaptations of Austen novels on screen is the stereotypical music that is often heard throughout their lengths, with the lush, sensitive works of Patrick Doyle, Rachel Portman, George Fenton, or (non-Brit) Richard Robbins often borrowing heavily from each other in their British sensibilities. One of the most surprising assignments of 2005 has been Italian Dario Marianelli's attachment to this newest version of Pride & Prejudice.

Marianelli was similarly received when assigned to Terry Gilliam's The Brothers Grimm earlier in the year, a film for which Marianelli brought a refreshingly European sense of dense orchestral creativity to an American stage. Having moved from Italy to London full time, Marianelli has scored films for less than a decade, but has been involved with two projects that have won BAFTA awards. His approach to Pride & Prejudice (starting his writing based on the concepts in the novel before production was far along) will easily be the make or break aspect of the score for most listeners. In a tactic that is often difficult to pull off successfully for most historical films, Marianelli chooses to score the film with the exact music that the author would have heard when first writing the stories. In the world of Jane Austen, this means a heavy dose of piano and string-centered chamber orchestra. Enlisting the help of renown pianist Jean-Yves Thibaudet, Marianelli brings significant shades of Beethoven to the table, ultimately creating a score that is intensely classical in its most active moments, and personal and traditional in its presentation of dances and marches for specific scenes. The highlights of the score are the full-scale Beethoven interpretations during which Thibaudet's piano is leading the orchestra at blazing speeds, including "Arrival at Netherfield," "Liz on Top of the World," and "Your Hands are Cold" (the highlight cue). This theme perfectly represents the fierce, unforgiving side of the primary young woman's character, and in "Your Hands are Cold," the last resistance of the character is served with a fantastic, determined performance on piano. Several large swells of the string section often accompany the piano, including impressive and full statements of theme in "Darcy's Letter" and the end credits. The source music for the dance sequences offers the strings in a jarring, less whimsical recording, as does the militaristic march in "The Militia Marches In," and these moments do break up the otherwise easy listening experience. Overall, Marianelli takes absolutely no chances with Pride & Prejudice, and in playing it as conservatively as possible, he offers music that is both pleasant and occasionally strong.

hmm Pirates of the Caribbean. one reason why i am so mad about POTC is self-explainatory. the MUSIC SO RAWKS!\

pride and prejudice

2006-07-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

omigosh! what a cute ICON! really it was a random pick from my set of icons, cuz my old 2000 version does not have a picture viewer. wow!

this is a pride and prejudice review by yours truly.

Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen is a magnificently Written novel concerning that inaccuracy of first impressions and opinions and the interaction of the different social classes. It is a rich comedy set in the18th century England that the author lived through. Readers of all ages 13 and above would be able to find this book irresistible to put down.

The story firsts takes us to an 18th Century English countryside of Derbyshire, where we re introduced to our unforgettable heroine, Elizabeth Bennet. Elizabeth, also known as Lizzy for short, is the second daughter of a rather interesting family with five daughters. Their mother’s main aim in life is to marry off all five of the Bennet sisters to men with suitable large pockets. The story takes on life as the Bennet family attends the Netherfield ball, in which the amiable and affluent gentleman, Mr Bingley, his sister, Caroline, and his close friend, Mr Darcy make their crowd-stilling entrance.

Mr Bennet introduces his family to the newcomers, and Bingley took an instant liking for the eldest Bennet sister, Jane. Although Elizabeth tries to coax the morose-looking Darcy for a dance, he turns her down in an instant and walks away to talk to people he was more acquainted with.

By then Fitzwilliam Darcy’s first impression to the readers as that of a mean-spirited and proud man, a complete opposite to his sociable friend. He dismisses Elizabeth as a merely tolerable acquaintance that she overhears. Thus mild conflicts between these two main characters occur. Lizzy loses any good opinion of him from that instant. But as we read further, the author suggests with slight hints that Darcy developed a certain affinity for the strong-minded Elizabeth, much to her ignorance.

Although both characters meet up coincidently over a few occasions, they would almost never see eye-to-eye. But as the story moves along, we are able to see Darcy in a different light. When he proposes to her at Rosings, unknowing of her ill opinions of him, she rejects him, accusing him of causing pain to her family and friends as mentioned in the story. He leaves broken-spirited, vowing to make any amends and change her opinions.

Towards the end, both characters grow fonder of each other, Elizabeth slowly seeing Darcy’s true character. In many problems she encounters, she discovers much to her amazement that the single man she had resolved to hate, was the one who mediates and solves the problem. Darcy and Elizabeth breaks down their wall of pride and learn the positive natures of each other.

Jane Austen’s social comedy is packed with sparkling, witty dialogue that portrays her fluency in the relationship of people. Pride and Prejudice tells us a very important lesson that first impressions are not always correct and pride often gets in the way when passing judgement on another’s character. Austen paints a detailed picture of the settings she had written the book in. The story is well paced and her main characters are likeable and inspiring. Austen also writes with logical reasoning to events that occurred in the story and makes readers realise that Elizabeth and Darcy share a similar logical cast of mind and have the tendency to judge people’s moral standards.

ok that's the post for today! thats all folks and go watch pirates of the caribbean!
God bless ya all!

planetshakers

2006-07-26T23:20:00.000+08:00

Open Up the Gates by Planet Shakers
We come into this Holy place

To bring a sacrifice of praise

Bow down before you and seek your face

We sing of the mighty things you've done

Cry out to you"let your will be done"

Tell all the World you're the Holy One

Hear the shouts of praise

As they're rising up to you

Come and fill this place

As we bring glory to your name

Open up the gates and let the

King of glory in

Fill this house with praises as we

Lift our hands and worship you

Open up the doors and let your

Glory fill the earth

King of heaven we dance before your throne

King of heaven come and

Take your place

Dwell among us as we

Seek your face

Reflector by planetshakers

Since I've found your love

I've never needed anything to fill my heart

Even when I fall

You're always there with open arms to pick me up

From the start I knew

No one else could make me feel the way you do

Everyday I want to grow

Just a little bit closer, just a little bit closer

I want to be a reflector

I want to shine with your glory

I want to let the whole world know that you're

Living in me

I want to burn with your fire

Shine my light a little brighter

I want to let the whole world know that

Jesus Lives in me

i absolutely love this two songs from planet shakers...well they are really meaningful to me considering i have this locked heart...want to open it up for Christ to really enter and moved though me! let me shine with His glory.

well...i can't say that things are fine with me. ther are always the good stuff and the bad stuff. hmm..

well some of my prayers have been answered praise God.

but i stil have the habit of getting distracted...argh.. like now. -.-"

got disctinction for rio tinto big science competition....rther elated but was all dishevelled when i took the cert...i think i offically lost any good impression i gave to miss cheah....hecks..

loving pirates of the caribbean too....mad about Jack Sparrow. dun worry, God, you're always my first and foremost LOVE! XD

trying to work hard in Your Name.

failing but still trying. like a wall flower crush neath the bricks but still manage to grow and one day penetrate through the walls that block 'im.

can't belive i told jan that i read r-m-ce stories onver the net....though i read below 16 types..never dare venture to corrupt my mind....stupid worldly perception of love really saddens me.

talking about love.....yep jan and i discussed the utter trashness of modern society courting and well perception of love. finally found someone who share the same respect for love as me. whee!

teenagers are the worst lot....and i am at that stage...lol.

they think that love is cheap and have like wat.....one day flings and stuff? bah! what for go break your heart over stuff which you youselve are not emonatllly prepared for? thats dumb and like going kamikaze with your life.

mm....flirting (cheaper version of courting).....oh yeah.....yup this is my time to rant about this. girls, don't cheapen yourselves. don;t flirt. you;d end up getting unwanted guy attractions and trust me it aint that nice lor whether u trust that person or not. who knows he may not be attracted to your personality. court when you think you are capable of handlin' a relationship. bah y i sound like some love counsillor. ok that was my views..not my counselling.

of course i am not that tight as to say hey don't talk with guys....just well make them understand that hey i'm your friend ya? hey buddy! you know that sorta friendship. instead of going all sneaky batting eye. koff koff. or pretend touch! a bit stupid.

like my pastor, i find that it is more wonderful to see a old married couple still sitting in the moonlight or dancing under the starts than to see a young teenage couple hugging down the escalator and for al you know....BAM! breakup!

i'm not anti-love.i am for love. lust IS NOT love. just dont be person who can easily go from one peroson to another....it cheapens one relationship to the next. -.-" silly teenage antics. ok well mostly teenage antics....adults do to ya know but i;ll save that for years later. -.-" not happy with the world and it's really ammoral idealogy.

next time i might just talk about....well music again and the way most pop artists cheapen music. -.-" i might just start going youTube. whaha

jan's great hanger outter, only that we must conc on studies when we go out.

still mortified from the pool of chilli sauce today at LJS, almost asked for a beastie in a pan. XD

so long, debonairs!

skylarking constance

2006-07-25T19:40:00.000+08:00

Recollections (POTC style)

't had been a long time since I last visited me hearty. Yet, he be only a mere child an' I, a young man, when I first met th' lad's. Me feet shuffled unsteadily as I made me way past th' wrought iron gates. A smile tugged at me heartstrings as I remembered th' time when I first met Joshua…

I be but a young man wi' an average job as a security guard. Th' only special thin' about 't be that I be assigned t' a governor’s house. Th' Goodchild family be a family o' politicians, many o' whom rose t' powerful positions in th' hierarchy. Sadly, they be a power-lustin', schemin' organisation wi' treasure at the'r disposal. Th' common, such as I, had t' serve hand-an'-foot, at the'r biddin'. Democracy be but a vulgar word in the'r one good eye. Thar be nay such thin' as middle-class in th' wake o' the'r exploitations. Th' irony o' 't be that I couldna brin' myself t' pull th' trigger on them as much as I be t' guard them.

't be th' third summer o' me duties at th' Goodchild residence when I be assigned t' keep an eye on Joshua. I be unwillin' at first fer such chores could be easily done by house servants.

“…but Mr Goodchild, sir, thar be hardly any need fer such high security t' be imposed on Master Joshua. Me duties be t' guard th' house…” I protested.

“As well as th' occupants inside, Mr Archer.” Herr Goodchild cut me off wi' a dismissin' wave.

“Th' boy almost killed hisself wi' a dinner knife an' since he be me only heir, I expect th' lad's t' continue th' family business an' nay lyin' his lazy bum in a coffin!” Wi' that he puffed ou' a rin' o' putrid smoke an' waddled off.

I knocked on th' ebony doors o' th' room an' heard a wee squeak from behind 't. Sighin' at me unusual an' annoyin' task o' babysittin', I promptly sailed' inside. Thar stood Joshua, a wee boy o' ten. I could still reckon that doe-eyed fascination on his countenance while lookin' at me. He had offered me a challenge – a game o' chess. Aft then, I played all sorts o' games an' chess be me forte, thar be nothin' else t' pass th' time other than sittin' idly.

He set up th' game wi' professional efficiency an' nay th' childish clumsiness that most children his age would. I felt he be somewhat a clerechild. An' we commenced… We talked about a wee subjects while playin' an' I found th' lad's t' be highly intelligent. While child would openly an' candidly talk about current affairs as if he be readin' th' aft o' his hand? I knew he be special, but 't be a pity he be a Goodchild.

't be towards th' end o' th' game when he blurted ou', “Mr Archer, what do ye think o' me father, honestly?”

I be taken aaft by his sudden an' heavy question, stuttered in surprise, but he continue in his business-like demeanour, speakin' wi' th' maturity o' an adult. I had nereseen a child speak wi' that level o' wit an' determination. He understood th' plight o' swabbies like me, how we felt. Th' words he spoke held disgust t' his family. He contemplated suicide an' runnin' away but stopped as he knew his current situation – underage an' vulnerable. But what I revered th' lad's most be th' blaze o' determination in his blue eyes.

“Mr Archer, I’m goin' t' be a politician, jus' like Old Man,” he declared. “but I will nay be th' lad's. I don’t want t' rule wi' treasure. I find 't an utter senseless way o' gainin' power. Maybe swabbies like ye would live better, don’t ye think? Besides, treasure be temporary, trust be nay.”

I listened intently t' his impromptu avowal, adoration in this peculiar boy filled me. He turned aft, resumin' his move, his white knight moved dangerously close t' me black kin'.

“ Master Joshua…” I started unevenly.

“Aye?” He looked up.

“Don’t be like yer father.” I moved me kin' aft one step. He simply smiled an' nodded his hade.

“Oh, an' Mr Archer…” he spake, pickin' up his knight yet again an' settin' 't in a L-position from me kin', “ Checkmate.”

Simple be his words, his declaration, but powerful be his dream. He be more logical than us adults, e'en more, he achieved 't. Now, I rest in th' future Joshua had affirmed an' built. Indeed, he held a special place in me heart.

Joshua lived until 53 summers o' age before dyin' o' severe pneumonia, but th' new government he established stood firm in its foundations as its maker t' his dreams. I nere expected t' live past me dear brother (who still called me Mr Archer occasionally), 't be as if he created 't fer me an' port in a flash. I stood on th' yardarm o' th' cemetery beyond them iron gates. Kneelin' down shakily, I lay th' bouquet o' flowers on th' engraved cement tablet that proved me hearty’s existence, ‘Joshua Ardel Goodchild. 1935-1988’. Nay long would I follow after, in th' weakened state I be in.

Whisperin' softly fer th' winds an' th' grasses t' hear, I started me one-sided conversation. “Joshua,” I began, “I still remembered that tide I first met ye. Aft then...”

ok that was the story in pirates of the caribbean say. i find it rather amusing! haha
ok tis is the actual piece:

Recollections

It had been a long time since I last visited my friend. Yet, he was only a mere child and I, a young man, when I first met him. My feet shuffled unsteadily as I made my way past the wrought iron gates. A smile tugged at my heartstrings as I remembered the time when I first met Joshua…

I was but a young man with an average job as a security guard. The only special thing about it was that I was assigned to a governor’s house. The Goodchild family was a family of politicians, many of whom rose to powerful positions in the hierarchy. Sadly, they were a power-lusting, scheming organisation with money at their disposal. The common, such as I, had to serve hand-and-foot, at their bidding. Democracy was but a vulgar word in their eyes. There was no such thing as middle-class in the wake of their exploitations. The irony of it was that I could not bring myself to pull the trigger on them as much as I was to guard them.

It was the third summer of my duties at the Goodchild residence when I was assigned to keep an eye on Joshua. I was unwilling at first for such chores could be easily done by house servants.

“…but Mr Goodchild, sir, there is hardly any need for such high security to be imposed on Master Joshua. My duties are to guard the house…” I protested.

“As well as the occupants inside, Mr Archer.” Herr Goodchild cut me off with a dismissing wave. “The boy almost killed himself with a dinner knife and since he is my only heir, I expect him to continue the family business and not lying his lazy bum in a coffin!” With that he puffed out a ring of putrid smoke and waddled off.

I knocked on the ebony doors of the room and heard a small squeak from behind it. Sighing at my unusual and annoying task of babysitting, I promptly went inside. There stood Joshua, a small boy of ten. I could still remember that doe-eyed fascination on his countenance while looking at me.

He had offered me a challenge – a game of chess. Back then, I played all sorts of games and chess was my forte, there was nothing else to pass the time other than sitting idly. He set up the game with professional efficiency and not the childish clumsiness that most children his age would. I felt he was somewhat a clever child. And we commenced…

We talked about a few subjects while playing and I found him to be highly intelligent. While child would openly and candidly talk about current affairs as if he were reading the back of his hand? I knew he was special, but it was a pity he was a Goodchild.

It was towards the end of the game when he blurted out, “Mr Archer, what do you think of my father, honestly?”

I was taken aback by his sudden and heavy question, stuttered in surprise, but he continue in his business-like demeanour, speaking with the maturity of an adult. I had never seen a child speak with that level of wit and determination.

He understood the plight of people like me, how we felt. The words he spoke held disgust to his family. He contemplated suicide and running away but stopped as he knew his current situation – underage and vulnerable. But what I revered him most was the blaze of determination in his blue eyes.

“Mr Archer, I’m going to be a politician, just like Old Man,” he declared. “but I will not be him. I don’t want to rule with money. I find it an utter senseless way of gaining power. Maybe people like you would live better, don’t you think? Besides, money is temporary, trust is not.”

I listened intently to his impromptu avowal, adoration in this peculiar boy filled me. He turned back, resuming his move, his white knight moved dangerously close to my black king.

“ Master Joshua…” I started unevenly.

“Yes?” He looked up.

“Don’t be like your father.” I moved my king back one step.

He simply smiled and nodded his head.

“Oh, and Mr Archer…” he said, picking up his knight yet again and setting it in a L-position from my king, “ Checkmate.”

Simple were his words, his declaration, but powerful was his dream. He was more logical than us adults, even more, he achieved it. Now, I rest in the future Joshua had affirmed and built. Indeed, he held a special place in my heart.

Joshua lived until 53 years of age before dying of severe pneumonia, but the new government he established stood firm in its foundations as its maker to his dreams. I never expected to live past my dear friend (who still called me Mr Archer occasionally), it was as if he created it for me and left in a flash.

I stood in the middle of the cemetery beyond those iron gates. Kneeling down shakily, I lay the bouquet of flowers on the engraved cement tablet that proved my friend’s existence, ‘Joshua Ardel Goodchild. 1935-1988’. Not long would I follow after, in the weakened state I was in. Whispering softly for the winds and the grasses to hear, I started my one-sided conversation.

“Hello Joshua,” I began, “I still remembered that day I first met you. Back then...”

~End~

recover

2006-07-24T18:04:00.000+08:00

haiz, being human is the most familiar yet strangest thing that i have felt.
can't seem to place words for what i feel right now.
i feel like i can do a lot of stuff, but yet i feel that i'm utterly useless.
i feel quite happy, but i always have thing restraning thing me me saying....where di you get the happiness from?
i always have the correct words to say but when it comes to actually talking it out, i fumble and everything comes out gibberish.
hmm...life is a constant struggle. a struggle from within. not physical struggles of life, but the spiritual. i had though that maybe i am actually doing a lot of stuf right, but some points of self-reflection told me otherwise.
what am i lacking?
i thought i had mabe even showed love and care to my family n friends...in a emotional form or way, tried to be a comfort zone, but failed.
sins.....i really have a lot, i just don't know where to start.
i though maybe i had this stright track of mind,when after i asked myself what is wih me now, i hardly can get even an answer from my own self.
i really have to try harder, constant seeking God.
i also feel i am getting to overdependant on people.
but i really don't know how to kick start myself
i get that impression that i'm some kinda of robot, numb to human emotions.
like an AI, can try as hard as I can but i never understand the correct times i should speak, the correct responses i should give to people.
studies failing lar, no matter how much people say i chiong.
i really belive that there is God, i certainly not am unshaken but i keep on asking myself: "God you show agape love to us, we say we love you, but how do we love You?"
i hate hiding, but i hide myself.
it is bit weird
and scary, especially now i am beginning to come into the stage of adulthood and be very careful of things that i say.
quite a lot of regrets too, what was i thinking when i backslided years ago. -.-"
it is just stupid.
i don't know what should i pray for, where should i start?
how?

just being random and venting my thoughts online and virtually, therefore letting it out here, i really don't want to sin. gah, sick of sin....trying to overcome it...fighting it.

well it may be my own stupid presumptions lar but i feel that beneath the friendly smiles and laughs people show in front of me, well, they are pretending. well pretending to be a friend well for the sake of not letting others know thier true intentions, but i know. i get this rather sensitive vibe lar. espcially if the matter concerns girls.
some girls....bah, a rather two-faced lot, well at least some of them are. can hye hey happy in front of you, friendly. behind the back, talk and think bad stuff. ok i found the word, backstab. -.-" WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD!!!! the most ironic thing is they hide it so well that people actually believe them. and again....WHAT IS WRONG WIT THIS WORLD!

oh wells...just venting my anger on the devil for created the seeds of jealousy and deception in us.

i know people and i also know that my outward impression is one of insenstivity and well crapness. but i'm actually sensitive, but i a a lousy chooser of words. i can sense that people are thinking but i don't say it out. fear perhaps.

fear and pride...greatet sins....sigh.
mustkeep tryin to humble ourselves....fear is hard to overcome.
trust in the Lord....i must read my bible.

it is quite wry that i can feel happy and then the next i feel just well...like shiet.

-.-

i don't know why.......really cannot understand myself sometime either.
but one things for sure....i keep holding on the the hope that God would put me back straight when the time's come. massive healing is needed. but i don't seem to know where.
really i am that trouble minded. i don't have tht stright thinking,.
no expression. i am such a horrible sinner. sinning and sinning and sinning. destroying and destroying. easily let guilt overcome me. i became the person i hated to be.
a lot of us youngsters think it is so cool to be well...emo and goth. -.- once you step into it, it seems kinda fun to be emo but you'd find it hard to get rid off.
but i am glad that i have not descended to that stage. i am really really trying to be more receptive to God, hope and pray that my impressoins would be revealed to me, instead of being shaken by whether it is from God.

so today i kinda screwd upon the guitar...i always had this fear of embaressment......
sunday i was also fear of screwing up the sounds and am very unsure of what i do. fear of embaressment
pride lah......sigh..

i feel like such a wasted hypocrite.

~~~~~~~~~~

but one thing i always wonder.....how do we know that our sins are forgiven. i can't seem to feel that sense of unburden for quite some stuff.. like i said in previous posts...many things still burden me.....but i don't know what.

yep, how do we know our sins are forgiven?
why do i feel that i feel different from other people....?
and what is my problems? some one help?

i'm on a hard rocky road to recovery.

tempt

2006-07-18T23:51:00.000+08:00

oo

ooo

oooo

ok so aniways that was a bit lame...having the oos around the first part of the post. boredom gets me. no one;s talking to me and i don;t know who to talk to...Jeff seems offline....my church friends...i haven;t gotten their emails yet and need to clear my flooded sms box in my hp. ouchies.and my cosplayer friends are....wow surprisingly offline for the first time.

mental note: haven;t talk to sister Ling yet...better talk to her before certain things do not bode well. learnt a great lesson. big lessons in life which everyone in this world should learn. keep on praying that i can attend cell again.

ahh...i screwed up todays family altar by singing out LOUD and dry strumming the guitar..you can hear the PRAKK sound on it and my misguided voice.
ah...well i don;t sing for man but for God so if my heart sings out gladly for Him then i guess it is ok...still i gotta improve on my singing and guitaring skills.

random: so want to learn drums after these few days sound mixing with the spdlight team. going behind the drums was a better experience to dissect the co-ordination of a drummer and it is WOW! man.....legs arms...all moving out of sync. don;t know how they manage that feat esp. Nashrul and JJ. forgot who was the chinese guy 3.30pm service drummer...i think he is also in techlight too. hmm.
so i am here sitting with my chemistry hw in front of me, coping answers form the answer sheet. and yes...i don;t study....hate to admit it but that is the way it is...

so. today.....lets talk about today at school considering thats the place i go to half of my current lifespan.

i had never been so burning with annoyance and anger...with a few friends. yes i dun mind the ocasionaly spray...but to take waterbottles and syringes and keep on spraying..even continueing until before the NSW exams. tried to stop them cuz later they get into trouble...den even more die. hmm...
sinned again....sad...i let my sinful anger get out of control and i expressed it in form of exasperated words which were bad..scolded people...also they took it lightly...thankfully except for some people.

janis i guess she and zi gui went a bit overboard lar....tried as much as i could to stop them but to no avail. that shows how weak my words are...hope Christ can strengten me so that i can speak wisely and with conviction.

hmm.
today seemed a bit short...and i am kill stealing peoples blogs..well go see see px blog for what happened when we were buying her costume.

so sayonara and God bless you!

hrm

2006-07-17T23:22:00.000+08:00

i hate to admit it but i am so buzy i can't write all that i was going to tell you guyz.
ok....
well i just realise i need to think over whether or not should i post it or not cuz it is a bit sensitive... pray about it.

hrm...i currently am quite glad that my family is now going toward the right path...though we must always be onguard for any deviations.

real sleepy now..cannot even finish maths hw...stupid maths hw....just gotta brely bear with it....ugg..

refloctor..i have come to realise...is a nice song...as playing it a number of times today. family altar did go rather well too...man i just want more of the experience i exprerienced this last sunday. i am hungry for more of the Holy Spirit, more Jesus! what i felt could not expressed in our known vocabulary and words. it is of a higher level of speech....man..

i must always remember that i have to be patient in affliction. if anything goes wrong...i want to be there standing strong...and not succumbing to my past.

Ah....Lord, let your will be done unto me.
I lay out my whole life to you
help us and slowly remove our hands from the pasts which we insecuringly cling onto. for they are false hopes
you are the living hope.
one who is always faithful in times of travesty
pain, and suffering
let your light be poured forth unto us
make us a guiding lamp, be like Christ Jesus
a city on a hill,
for the world to see the glory of Christ shining through us.
be living testimonies of You wonders
every soul counts
and we want to see more souls being won back
saturate our souls with the power of the Holy Spirit
we are exceedingly glad to invite Him into our lives...let us not let HIm wait at the door
but open the door for Him into our lives.
Satan would not get a foothold on us.
not an iota, not an inch
let us be innocent of sin
not be tempted by the dark powers that has encompassed this world.
for the light of Your glory penetrates all darkess
we give thanks for the wonders you have done to our lives
personally, i thank You for bringing my spiritual life to another level.
i've waited all my life to feel You
to talk with You through my heart
let me be freee from the seeds of doubt planted by the devil
stop this doubting in me
and know that You are speaking to me
send Your angels to encamp around me and the people whom i care for. be it friends and family
i want to be washed clean by Your love
and help me be free from the bondages of sin and the past which may catch up on me
help my friends too
some of them are crying out to you to free them from sin
help them
we are your children
lost sheep which are found
if we were to be led astray
find us
before the wolves come to consume us
finally,
sow and cultivate the Spirit of faith among all my family members, my christian friends
we want more of You
help us walk by faith, growing up beautiful in Christ
may we not lose hope and strength
for You are our strongtower.
who can we lean on then?
no one but You.
thank You for YOur never-ending mercies
we keep on singing my love song unto You, Jesus.
and we give glory and thanks to Our Loving Father
in Jesus' name we pray
Amen

technical

2006-07-16T23:45:00.000+08:00

well this is a 'rather' quick smmary of what happened o'er the sathurday and sunday.

i requested my piano teacher to stop my lessos until my o'lvls are over. which is....to continue next year. oh noes..! but still gota practice wether or not i have exams lest my skills go down...

i thank God for my mom for pointing out the numerous blasphemies stated in a certain "Converstaions withe God" book which i borowed. how can someone who claims to have talked with God say that the devil was created by the thoughs of mand" and 'Jesus was a higest example of a God made man' that is indicating that we could be Gods if we want. what utter rubbish..so i took it back and dumped it back to the library..ugg....feel so bad after that. aniways thank goodness i passed it to my mom to see first if it is worth reading or not. turned out it is so not. -.-"

so the rest of the day passed on as usual...playing guitar...doing hw..reluctantly. and went swimming.
ok swimming was fun but it took off my scabs on my leg which were painfully healing nicely. ouch. met nathanial, uncle Joseph and Auntie Janice's son. he was so TALL and LANKY! my ideal body figure...opps...i'm i girl...short one too...sigh...tough life...aniways yep i almost couldn;t recognize him cuz we haven seen each other for a looong time. didn meet naomi there, didn see her, but she was there teaching lifeguarding. and nathanial is a....physical instructor in NS....wow.

the bukit btok swimming complex was way nicer than our broken down woodlads one with stinky slimy toilets...eww. it was nice..although crowded..cannot swim 5 metres of freestyle before colliding with someone's back. keep on apologizing...competed with sister...yet again i won.
btw nathanial mentioned that freestyle can make you lanky and tall while butterfly stroke and breaststroke would make your broader...why am i the opposite...i do freestyle...why am i not like him. argh! so not fair.

went to the salvation army near the dairy farms..moo....ok silly cow impression. aniways i absolutely LOVE that place...went made about the clothes corner...the shoes corner...wow they even have ....ahem...DnG..stuff which looked alsmot spanky new. jun you is going to get crazy if he aw that bag...but i wonder if they like 2nd hand stuff. i don;t mind 2nd hands, at least it is bazillions times more affoardable that news. yup..i am a 2nd hand person. dun care whether new or not....if it is good...affordable....can. going there again to get that thing...not telling what though.

and the minute i stepped out of the salvation army centre, my friend who i wasnt on speaking terms smsed me to apologize. wow! inwardly i was glowing with joy, yes, i didn;t lose a friend. good thing too cuz i later found out some of my weak points..gotta be more receptive and sensitive to people. ah...Jesus help me to accomplish this.
went back to sleep slighter lighter...still was burdened by other stuff bu i really thanked God for restoring and bringing back my friend.
to my friend: "i know i might be a donkey sometimes, but oh wells, just help me yar?? likewise i'll help u too no matter what. don't let the stronghold of friendship be broken by the devil. we muz be immune to his ways. GOGO!

sunday was way cool!
went to church early for techlight duties...set up mics and tested them...MIC TEST 1,2!!! i spoke so softly...ahh muz be more confident in what i do...but not to the extent of pride...control!
surpisingly i am the only girl in techlight. the rest are guys. KEvin is ur youth leader for our ministry. i;m thankful that he is very patient with the few of us newcomers but he is reall strict. i think he is about my age or one or two years older. he though me the ropes...the basics first lke how to coil the wires...set up the mics....what monitors...mic the choir....
so now that i just learnt how to do the lyrics screen, i kinda learnt a bit of sound mixing. honestly it is seriously hard work cuz we have to dissect the sound and hav to train our ears. considering my muscial background i believe i can catch up fast. hopefully. XD

i went around the room during the sppedlight praise and worship songs to hear the different bass and treble in the differrent parts of the room. i mean wow....i really learnt a lot of things by just listening...like....the feedbacks and the hi-low ampl and stuff. like the gutar can be heard at some parts of the room. there is less bass and more dissected in the riht part of the room facing stage.

and pastor pacers sermon was exactly what i needed. ytd me nd a friends were discussing about anger and hey....today's sermon was about anger. you can read eunice's blog for her write up on today's sermon. i might do it in the afternoon cuz now is one am and i gotta slp.

after speedlight, we had tech practice whrer we newbies got a hands on experience with teh sound mixer and did our own variations of DJing. i think i did ok....not that i am good but..ok for a newcomer. and another ministry youth leader nashrul can play drums! gotta try learn from him one day during tech practice. sathurday is also spdlight rehersals..might go there to learn more new stuf and practice my soundmixing. yayness!

uncle jospeh and auntie janice came today. it was a totally new level of experienceing God personally. tomorrow i'll try to write that up along with the sermon. yawning now. ciaos and GOd bless you all!! good night gotta catch upon my beauty sleep. wonder why i am happy? cuz ...tml i'll tel you. byebye!

2006-07-14T18:02:00.000+08:00

from what i have gather from alots of people. i came down to one conclusion: there are a lot of people who has yet to let go of past prejudices.

but i am here to explain my part. if you're still unwilling to let go, then...i guess this is all i can do on my part.

so here i am to tell these group of friends that we must not be quick to judge.

ookk....not here to scold people whatsoever. ah wells thats the school life. so many misunderstandings. ope you guys read with understanding. 1st things first: i never held anything against her (sh). past, present and future. period. most lkely she and me silently clear things up (i hope). i mean, who told you i got anything against her man? if u wanna know ask me. cuz i'm the person in question and it is seriously stupid to presume such stuff especially considering the bond between S2J members. you know how vivid human imagination can be. well i am not angry whatsoever.
maybe i did not get to the point when i thought i cleared things up. i harbour nothing against anyone.

i'm trying to live my life to God. like i have stated in si hui's blog (in the tagboard under the nick of Arvin that we must NEVER harbour or hold onto ill feelings for anyone. take note: ill feelings/ hate does not equate to anger. sometimes we blur the line between these two by thinking with too much emotions and irationality.

anger does not always equate hate. it is human to get angry sometimes (not all the time). Remember when Jesus threw out the money lenders and cheats that we're violating God's temple? boy, wasn't He angry?

ok straying away from topic. so baseline is....i never disliked her. goodness who told you that or goodness how did you presume that. it is all presumption. if u want to clarify anything about me....speak to me directly.
~drinking pink lemonade from Snapple(tm).....really very nice~

2nd thing) maybe if you have been reading my blog you'd realized that i'm very frustrated about my dad. but hey let me get this straight....i don't hate him. there are a lot of things he hdoes that tempts me to hate Him but something inside of me says that i mustn't.

Jesus said in Matthew chapter 19:
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall i forgive my brother when he sins againsts me? Up to seven times?"
Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle his accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to pay the debt.
The servant fell on his knees and begged him, "Be patient with me," he begged, " and I will pay you back everything."
The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when the servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'PAy back what you owe me!" he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ?Be patient with me, and i will pay you back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown in prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servantssaw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.

"Then the master called the servant in. "You wicked servant,' he said, ' i cancelled alll that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger, his masterturned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back what he owed."

This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.

I've learnt not to hold on tobad things people do unto me and forgive them - move on after that. i also hold nothing against anyone, anymore.

yes it is hard to forgive someone you particuliarly dislike but you have to ask God for the spirit of forgiveness. And only though Christ can you have that in you to forgive with all you heart.

i admit i am not perfect either. sometimes i find it real hard to forgive people, especially of they attack me emotionally. but i plan to continually seek Christ's guidance, standing firm in his words and one day have that breakthrough. as much as Christ has forgiven me for being a sinner, a mortal who would sometimes fail and fall short of the glory.

so end of 2nd point, don't hate parents, never did. just LOVE them, and have to i keep on praying for them. Grow in the Lord, mom and dad, other things come later!!

ahh....feeling so much better now....but still not that good though. there is this particuliar christian friend of mine who has avoided me now. don't know why. but i really regret bursting out on him after reading one of his posts. ack...uncontrolled anger. i have to really pray for God to guard my emotions and like i reinterate again, guard my tongue and control my presumptions.

i know he is going through a lot...reall lot of problems but i don't know what. not that i am pressing to know. but i'll keep it at that and just hope that he is wise to bring it to Christ and settle it out.

i don't know why he said i was another problem to him but after that i was like so shocked at his words and totally wept, not entirely because of him alone but that was when the dam of my problems suddenly burst...and i cried because i have so many problems at hand and this added on to it. sorry Jeff for crying over the phone...i needed someone to talk to. Also i had begged God to take away my problems, really shut the room door, me and God alone, and started shooting out everything fro my heart to him. i'll just have to pray for him too...even though he has hurt me numerous times, maybe he was not that careful in the choices of words, i do not want to hurt him back. Christ did not ask us to take revenge, just help them with the best you can do and with a true heart. pray that he finds spiritual rest and be unburdened from the problems he is facing right now. the same goes for me to. i don't feel that depressed anymore over these matters anymore. the Holy Spirit will empower me and help me to become wise in any reaction to any situations. Glory all to God.

as the smae goes for eunice, i really pray that she would keep on staying strong in the Lord and let Joy overflow from her. i know she is stress....so i am gonna make sure she smiles everytime i see her. lol. not gonna hide my feelings anymore. stupid of me to think of rewinding back to my old self just because of a little more suffering. Empower me, Holy Spirit!

I believe that God is testing me. i hold on dearly to these verses:

Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us of a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold on unswervingly to the hope that we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another - and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Hebrews 10: 19 - 25

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.

All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not recieve the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And the admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of thier own. If they had beeen thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country - a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

Hebrews 11: 1-16

Thus by faith i place my trust in God that whatever i am going to suffer now it is for the betterment of me and God's work on me - a correction. Whatever he is going to give me...i accept. For God does not want to harm me in the end...

Make a place for me in heaven...i'm coming back.

So aniways, other than that, the rest of the week seemed a bit bumpy except for the real bright sides like...talking to eunice during class....basically crapping with her and you know what close friends do lar aniways. if i were to say....blogspot would need a word limit.

but i like to mention the CARs (tm) toys from farhan were a real stress reliever. we slided the cars down my metal ruler..under my metal scissors and thankfully under my metal zabimaru. wow....i love metal stuff..

a also make it a point to mention that jeff broke my Griever necklace argh! my precious Griever necklace....nvm though,,,can fix it aniways.

also locked junyou inside the toilet and turned off the lights..he was screaming. funny man but of course i kena the consequence of also getting locked up with lights out....albiet....i didn't scream. i contemplated on screaming though cuz the horrid images of the demons from joel's play flashed through my mind...wow....how easily the devil can put thoughts into our minds...thanksfully i came out without fear. (joels play btw is called the cure. pronounced kew-rey. there was this scences when the priests was plagues by the demons and the devil. the effects were in a way...terror-ripping).

so want to watch pirates of the carribean...man....i bought the book...didn;t know it was a junior novel....argh wasted money...but oh wells...just pas it to my sister then....after i finish reading it.

Glory to God alone. i pray that all well ends well.

hazard

2006-07-11T18:15:00.000+08:00

all my data was lost in the system recovery so no icon today -.- just uncanny.
i don't even fel like blogging today....siannner. lifes being so crude to me these few days. family problems mostly. what can only do now is to keep on having faith in God that he would make it all better. i seriously don't know what is correct to ask of him. well of course i know the obvious thingds not to ask him.

my family situation is all screwed up. i keep on praying that He would soften my dad's heart and let him listem to me but it is to no avail. i feel so down. why when i had cleared up the last time and started to rejoice in the Lord then another problem starts coming. I can't seem to get that rest in the Lord. i am honestly still such a young Christian nad am terribly afraid of a lot of things. i know that it is not dad that i'm fighting against but the spirit in him.

i still lack that spiritual understanding and pray that the Lord would tell me somehow.

people are weird. a lot of Christian behave all christian-like one day and pagans the rest. have seen it is school and other friends. sigh.....i might be one of them too. and a lot of us don't realise we are acting that way. i do not want to go into anoter desparity.

i am also not allowed by my dad to go to cell group. how am i suppose to know them if i don't. these are times when a spiritual mentor is reallllly needed, but i don't know where to look. i know there is Jesus but i can't seem to hear His voice. i need another Christian to emulate. understand through his or her actions on what it is to be a servant for Christ. how to live my life in dedication to Him. i would not lose hope.

i've been acting like such a sod to friends too...so am upset about it. not sure how long am i gonna hold on before i start flooding the earth. sigh....someone.....help...? God..? are you there for me?

this was it!!

2006-07-08T00:52:00.000+08:00

today was the speedlight youth worship concert w sonic sanctuary! ok...onto my day first!
so after sch, i went out blading with janis and px at jan's place! ahhh my cheap blades cut deep into my skin....now a ring of bruises line my lower leg. more like abrasions. we taught pei xian how to blade and wow she progressed real fast! go pei xian!!! took a few pictures with our cam-phone. ahhh jan and px has 3G phones......show offs! just kidding! i have only a 1.3 meg pix one...so the image is rather grainy....but oh wells it is better than nothing nyuh! so took a bathe at her place, and spent time drawing out costumes for the racial harmony day competition or sumthing like that.
funny sia...keep on drawing like no one's buisness. and they painted my nails...ahhhhhh!!

wore my speedlight t-shirt today!! a bit sad that a lot of my friends couldn;t make it for various reasons. but kelly came! that was the good part! so i am just glad! at at Macs and tried to get to know her more cuz we don't really talk that much as compared to the people sitting around me or the S2Js. we reached Lighthouse at about 7.15 and wow we had 2nd row seats!!!! whoo! eunice O joined us cuz she couldmn't find her cell and neither did i and went totally in worshipping the Lord! man.....you should have seen Kelly, for most 1st-timers, they normally stand there looking at the lyrics but she was clapping!! all of us there were youths and it felt more at ease cuz it is well....among peers!

so sonic sanctuary led praise and worship today and kelly asked me and eunice a few questions like: "what is Amen?" and "why do the people raise their hands". and the holy spirit in me fills me with joy and pride of the Lord so i told her a few things. it was real encouraging too.
the music was really good and i cannot pinpoint who played the best cuz the drummer, her playing was sooo.....synchronized and beautiful, the bassist executed neat moves on the guitar and the rest were playing such beautiful music! man...God really worked through thier music. you can just see and hear why they are in music ministry...the spirit-filled singing and music pouring out and the audience just singing and giving to God all the glory...enthralling and we were just letting the presence of God saturate the whole place!

the sonic sanctuary members gave us very heart-wrenching testimonies. the drummer used to be a lesbian, and thought that she had found her identity and tried drugs but the Lord called her back, the bassist Jonathan was a heavy smoker, lost in his work and a failing marriage, was delivered from his bad habits and language. the lead guitarist and his wife the singer joined the Church but didn grow towards the Lord, worshipping money as thier 'God', but God talked to him and eventually he had a breakthrough.

all this wonderful testimonies is why, this God, Lord Jesus Christ is so wonderful. HE loves us to the MAX can you believe it? have you ever comprehended someone who loved you to the max? even giving His own son to pay the price of others wrongdoing? who would have done that?
thats why God's love is amazing love. and that was the first song we sang.

sometimes i wonder, am i really that insecure? i find no need to find love from physical terms, like friends, relationships, because God's love already had encompassed me. What more could i ask for? why we need to look for love which is not unboundless when we already have someones welcoming arms that would never ever ever ever let us go.

how honored are we to be loved by the Father even though we had condemned His Son. and that is why it is hard to explain God. but what we know is that He loves us terribly much and is unwilling to let us go.

and we must return His love by obeying Him.

Although sometimes obeying Him is hard and i mean really hard, we just have to do it. put faith in what God tells us to do and let God work His ways after that.
in my instance, my dad, who is an authority placed above me, told me, after the Friday Concert is over, you must not stay back for cell group on sundays form now on.
God installs authority for a purpose, and since it is God's will for this authoriy to be over me, den i should obey this authority.
But if dad's wrong, and in my prayers i ask that God help me find a way to get back to cell, GOd would somehow work a way. Dad's great, but he needs to be more for Christ that for the blessings that Christ woudl give to him. I just pray that what is in his heart is for God not for blessings.

i just joined tech team but i don't know how to explain to my cell and tech team that now i can't go for meetings and stuffs unless i go straightaway after school. God will make a way if He wills. so gonna pray for it man....

i just want to stand back in his awesome presence

so aniways.....this week...upon reflecting was rather troubled, some friends problems. we are really not perfect. i'm not to sure but it's the smae person, not criticizing her whatsoever. not to sure what's her problem but what i ithink it is should be along that line. i'd learnt a hard lesson of letting go, both emotionally and spritually. yes emotionally it is real hard in this sense but you've just gotta do it.
what causes over-anxiety?
it is just the mind giving worst-case scenarios under the impression that it would really happen.

some thigns don't take it to heart. like for me, i used to be oversensitive, and it was really insecure but i put up a real strong front when i was eaten out from the inside. but GOd saw through my masks and struck me down, crumbling in shame of the person i saw, the me i had become. from there on i had decided to give my all to God.

in our weakest hours he exposed us to ourselves yet mended us again in His love. life's never easy, thats why the journey of self-discovery in Christ is difficult, but the fruits of this suffering is sweet and everlasting.

giving glory to God for He knows my heart ^^

yet another blow....i'm not daunted!

2006-07-05T22:59:00.000+08:00

hrm..? i wonder.
are we that easily shaken by the devil? well NO~!

ok lemme tell you what had happened tonight.

so i just started to sink into my cell group. embracing both the Holy Spirit and their prescence. and i started to get cosy in it until dad says to stop going to cell and conc. on studies.

at first i went totally madd because....hey i reallly really really needed that companionship and their strength. and he doesn't allow me to even break the ice fully. so i started crying and crying....asking why? why? that even though i studied so hard and he thinks i'm not and am restricted to that precious 2 hrs of church only to glorify God apart from the QTs and family altar.

den i realieze and the Bible pointed out to me....that we must obey the authorities placed above us. we should not criticize them for they are placed by God to rule us in earthly aspects.

but if what dad does is God's will, then let it be so. but if it's not, then God would some way or another correct him. thus i although unhappily, would have to obey my dad. despite grievances. hey it does not mean that i am not upset but it is just to be that way. i would have to ask the Lord for forgiveness that i harboured anger against my dad. i shouldn't have done it and make him angry too. well he was angry and troubled from the start of this month because of other misgivings.....so...i pray that the Lord would restore to him whatever that is lost and to guard my mind and my actions towards my dad. in ephesians, paul stated that 'children, obey your mother and father for this is right'. we would find a way to overcome this problem or in other words....misunderstandings!

correct me if what i am doing is wrong, fellow christians who reads this.

i want a miracle in my life.

that joy of the Lord is what keeps me going. knowing the He is the only Holy God, the truest and living One whom i should build my life in.

7/7/06 is approaching. all those in need of the Lord and those who simply want to enjoy His presence and those who want to know this loving God, are greatly welcomed to join us speedlighters in the Speedlight Youth Worship Concert w. Sonic Sanctuary! anyone.....who feels young at heart. anyone Christian and non-christian are warmly welcomed to this evangelistic rally cum praise and worship session for a night of praising the Lord our God! hurrah!

Music

2006-06-29T14:25:00.000+08:00

today is well another day in the life of an average school-going person such as I, with un-average tastes of music. well that is my perception that is.

so today, i am going to do another blog rant. not really focusing on what i did today cuz well it is just another usual high-school day with tons of hw undone, teachers breathing down the neck and victoria-calling people sitting behind me.

ok....that was a bit of what happened today but put aside that.

so since i escaped school today cuz of MT classes which i was not suppose to be having, and thanks to my friend Amos who suggested the 'pon' school scheme today, i am here on the com lazying off when parents are not around. o.O = O.o ok, no one around. good

Music - my definition is only quality sounds are supposed to be callled music. anything with a tune which is....melody, or harmony or both is considered music. things such as fast-talking and beats like.....pop pop pop pop pop pop....you know......that is like rhythm but oh wells by itself it is not music.

so thats my definition.

Music which I like are: soundtracks cuz they have the widest variety of emotions being displayed out.
and i expect the composers to have put feeling in thier work...especially the Japanese ones. Japanese are famed for puting pride in their work, thus having quality soundtracks like Final fantasy and Gundam SEED.

Gospel - I am a Christian man. oh yeah! and the songs are really all moving and so meaningful and passionate.

i don't like - hard rock, heavy metal, trance, pure rap (duh) i mentioned that it is not music? good now that is clear.

ok so onto my most extreme side. the rap and hip-hop. that means it is all about having a glib tongue and trying to gutter out almost unintelligible sentences in one breath. with a boring background beat. songs which still have the decent melody and singing with a bit of rap is still music. go listen to asterisk* by orange range. that is music. modern music. and rap is like the act cool thingy with the stereotypical 'bling bling' fashion. pls...........that is fashion overkill.

not that i am a fashion addict. it is just soo.......glaring. and the super low waist riding pants......oh man! UGLY! eww.....and the lyrics of purely rap are mostly...sucky and indecent. i am talking about pop rap if you get what i mean. what are people trying to prove with indecent lyrics. this people, is the obvious sign of social degradation. should i add that to geography too? after enviromental degradation?

hmm.....what i wanted to say just left my mind. i forgot. oops
aniways,
listen to the songs on my blog and really appreciate it cuz these are really good works of music. i don't want to put classical in it though it is reall nice but since well......it does not exactly fit my blog so yeah...these are good modern songs/soundtracks/gospel songs. did i repeat songs...i am being redundant. XD

reformed

2006-06-27T16:19:00.000+08:00

i feel like writing another prayer again. this time in thanks for the Lord who is always faithful, guardian, savior and friend. well i havne't though of anything right now but when i am not spontanous, i would write one.

these few days had been rather tough for my. both emotionally and spiritually. i had been shown myself in true light. an i am really upset of the person i had become the past few weeks. when i looked back. i wondered: "where was God in me when i was singing Him praises. I had been lifting empty hands and empty heart to Him. did i really give Him my everything then? be able to lay down my worldly pride and posessions? was i true to my end of my bargain? and it never ceases to amaze me why Christ died for us? We who have been constantly sinning. that vast amount of patience and love He holds for us. He is God. Love unboundless.

who would have loved us that much to be able to die for us and willing to face judgement for the sins we had all done? would our earthly friends would? i highly doubt so. that is what sets Jesus apart from all of men, and of course He is not just any mortal man. and we should be passionate about Him.

sometimes it is hard to ever comprehend that someone whom you've never seen before, never knew in a physical perspective would know you and love you. but it is that feeling deep inside the heart that made it possible. alot of the people in this era are materialistic. believing only ehat they have seen. and faith is what sets us apart.

and it pained me to think why was i like that. why did i put so much care into the world than God?
but that must pass.

i am going to have a breakthough in my life. set on Christ, and Christ alone. unshaken by people, temptations.

well, i had a lot of problems this june which i had given up to Christ and let Him away. the friend problem most importantly. i have been too anti-social and well, mixing too much with the wrong company. not to say that they are bad people but lets say i do not have as much Christian friends than non-Chrstian ones. i went to cell today, try to make friends. if they do not approach me, i made the first step. and i was really really scared at first cuz well i'm not the one who normally do the first introduction but i 'cheng gong"! so now i got to know a lot more people in my cell group.
Jocelyn - she is 18, i though she was doing Os with me but, oh wells. sorry Joys once again =D
Tracy - i found another Tracy.....well i know 2 other Tracys in my church. pastor Rony's daughter and her. she is in AJC. wow!!!!!!!!
Alena, my cell leader - she kept informing me of cell group. and i think she would introduce me to the music ministry.
Kin Onn aka Derrick - well he is the same age as me and i knew him first cuz he was the one who introduced me to the cell last year.
Sandra and Kai Ling - not too familiar with them but i must make an effort to know them!
Jerlyn - another good sister who is slowly planting her roots on Christ. although she can't make it to cell cuz of O'lvls, we'd meet during speedlight. yay!
Wei Jie - he's the same age as me and he goes to the same chinese classes! yay! i finally found someone who could meet outside church. well that is for starters only. so gonna sink into the group.
there is also Kean - he is reall quiet but i try to break the ice with him. =D
Agatha is a new member praise God for her coming! more people in Christ! hurrah. i just can't stop feel happy for her.

sister Ling is our speedlight cell division leader and she is really encouraging and you could just see the glory of the Lord shining through her. and a lot of my CG brothers and sisters.

Beanie aka Tessmin aka my sister is also in my cell group so even yayer. whoo!
well in church we refer each other as bro or sis cuz we simply are a family and one body of the Church and Christ as our head and power of authority. my, our spiritual family.

so that sums up some of the people i know in my cell. although i joined them last year, i unfortunatly could not make it for countles times due to studies but that is a bad excuse.

ever since i came back from church, i had always wondered whether i should join praiselight or musiclight. if not the tech team. it had been in my thoughts for quite some time. i want to do sometihing for the Lord with whatever abilities He had given me. i play guitar during family altar but my piano is not utilised. something keeps on telling me, praise the Lord in songs. and that is what i also want to do.

the joy of the Lord is in my soul and i never want it to be taken away. as Christians we face countless persecutions, trials and tribulations but with teh joy of the Lord in our heart, the strength of God as our front, we would work out through the pains and become the better men than we were.

2nd: it was than 'love' problem that plagues every teenager and adult, even people who seem not to care about guy-girl relationship problem such as I. well we all go through that dont' we? i guess after all that, i think i had came out of it more wiser and careful of my actions. i shall never seek a relationship ever.

well c'mon man, it is like all horrid and unpredictable. confusing. and at this stage when sometimes the other party or even ourselves, we are not emotionally prepared for it, it is just uncontrollable when something goes wrong. plus we have to concentrate on Christ as our main focus, and as like every student, studies.

at this age when we are susceptible to want a relationship, we may lose sight of Christ. ok i do not mean to say that adult do not ever backslide if they love someone else and fall sight of God. but we are MORE susceptible. so period. no relationships whatsoever.

and personally i think it is a total waste of time.

and feelings because i am a person who if i give my heart i give it wholeheartedly. if it comes back broekn it takes a long time before i can go onto another. and i only would go into one if only the person really from the heart and soul loves me back. and i take it so seriously and not some teenage flings and steads of today. is this what dating has degraded too? gee wow. and we grow with the Lord too so i believe if i should ever (not say when but definatly older) have a boyfriend, he must be more in love in the Lord than he is with me. yup. so yeah...

i bet you are shocked i am saying this. well shock on. i am. hey i said that word. this is a feminine side of me now that i know it had ever existed. blehhs

oops did i say blehh? life is certainly full of surprises. and thats why it is not too dull.

oh wells that sums it up for me.
gotta pia all me subjects! have no motivation but i pray that the Lord will be my main motivator for my Os! must make that hard first step to revision though i haven done all my phys and ss and geog and bio hw and i am soo in trouble for that. oops.
God bless you all kind readers!

btw there is a concert held in my church Lighthouse Evangelism on the 7th July nxt friday! whee! so i want you to come along. it is in the night about 730pm but come at 7.00pm as it is so gonna be jam-packed with people.

~I am not ashamed of the gospel as it is the power of God.~

Gaki no Tsukai is sooo darn farney

2006-06-23T18:01:00.000+08:00

Gaki no Tsukai

if they laugh at the guy learning english, they get whacked.
1st scene, the guy is trying to read from a english book - Marco Polo
2nd scene, counting numbers
the contestants start sighing when there was still some more.
3rd scene, the guy is saying out the days of the week.

thewinekone it is funny in a well witty kinda off way.

these are presents for janis in case you (to janis) can't find the clips. there. laugh it out. esp the japanese learn english one. ITAI to......

me? i hate myself!

2006-06-22T20:45:00.000+08:00

listen up! i'm angry and depressed and soooo tired!!! tired!!! i am seriously dying inside! eaten up my my stupidity and look! i wrote 'my' two times. i am directing this directly to you! look! i am being redundant and repeating words.

i chase people away. thats me. always the case. what's so good about me, seriously? i don't think anione takes me that seriously. nobody. family, friends, gah! everyone. and to you (i think you know who i am talking about) i said gah! ok? so whats the big deal of i say gah? am i an unworthy reminder of your friend who is like so highly respected that you can allow her/him to say 'gah'? take me seriously for once! every one of you! yes. it is annoying that your reading some crazy whiny person's blog for who knows what reason. accidently stumbled upon it which is most of the case. i don;t really think people would read my blog aniways.

and i am really sensitive alright? sensitive till it bleeds and hurts like crap. yes i can take the jokes, teasing. but i keep it all inside. i don't get angry but yes i just hurt.

i hate myself.

i seriously hate hate HATE myself

but i know self infliction is NOT an option. so not!

neither is suicide

but why?

i keep on praying and praying fervently to God but nothing seems to change. i am tired of waiting, weary. and if you say i want the easy way out which means going to hell well dream on, i am not going to hell. did i say i'm giving up? no

well although this is a blog post, it is more like telling that person whom i think you should know by now what i could not say over the phone just now.

when i had a problem you'd ask 'whats wrong?' you keep on saying that till i say, fine and spill it out. den you keep on asking me to pray, and pray. yes you;d encourage me. and i appreciate that. really. but it is today that i am soooo mad about. ok not mad, but upset.

i'm not doing this to spite you if you are gonna rebuke me. but oh wells rebuke me if i am wrong.

you know, people take time to heal. it is not instantanous for most people, especially emotional scars and problems. if you think Jesus heals instantanously for all of His people, then you're wrong. because Jesus heals both instantanously and progressively.

why some He heals instantly and some He heals over a period of time is really beyond my anwering. it is God whom you're talking about. one cannot discern what the Lord is thinking. He has said "My ways are not your ways. My thoughts are not your thoughts" i forgot where did i read it but i read it ok? so pls dun ask me animore about it.

look, i am not doing this out of spite, but more of a concern. i'm just angry and worried alright. and i am crying as i type this. seriously don't say "ahh you're just making me pity you" but no. i am really crying. this is to make you understand my situation. what i am really in. i'm sad ok?

what you did today made me wonder about yesterday, whether you did not forget yesterday when you told me to keep on praying. it is like suddenly a concerned friend turn stranger. were you being sacarstic or were you really trying to avoid me?at the start you asked me if i was better ok good, but the conversation that followed after? the handphone thing, maybe i'm a bit oversensitive but the minute you said "that word is for highly respected people to use" and the word was 'gah'?! (ok i am sounding a bit childish rite now but focus on the highly respected part). hey does that mean you do not respect me? if you do not then why did you help me yesterday?! why? and why tell me you respect others more? it is like hinting to me that "hey, i do not respect you that much as other people" it is this inferiority complex of mine again.

look, i might be very negative. i;m trying to change. i have 0 EQ and dont know how to deal with people. so if you're asking me how am i gonna tell people my feelings, people i haven't really like met up with, you asking me to jump into the furnance. i know you're gona say pray, and that is what i am trying to do. but don't make me edgy and worried about losing you as a friend cuz i sure do not want that to happen.

why can't i have the freedom of communication like others. i feel that everyone, not only you, are watching my every move. what i do, what i say, what i like, what i think and what ideas i have. i think you know what i mean now don't you. i really feel like expresing myself in another poem/ ramble right now cuz there are a few things which cannot be explain in PARAGRAPHS! and it is so ugly to have so many ....... lying around the blog. jeez

i feel so restricted, ya so restricted when you said that. but if you were just teasing, then i am so sorry. i really am. just assure you that i am sincere about my apologies. and never leave me with the ok i'm gonna block you or so not gonna talk to you thing because i am dead concerned when i leave people with a bad note. ok, look i have few friends because i am really ANTI-SOCIAl. llook i think i scared you away/ see what i mean by i am anti-social. even if i try to make friends, i lose them. stupid stupid me. i guess you are disgusted by this post. i try as much to be nice to people but it seems that it is going all wrong. i am treated differently. maybe i am really the black sheep of society. no friends whatsoever. i mean those really true true true true friends.

i guess all this must have chased people away. i seriously lack that people factor. i knew it. maybe it is always only God who truly understands me. no one makes an effort to really help and i can't seem to get through to people how hard i try.

i am weeping

my soul is weeping

my heart is weeping

am i really bad at befriending someone?

can someone help confirm that to me?

does even anyone with a heart can tell me that?

Oh Lord help me

when i talk to someone i try to express my feeling in them

i get ready my words before i speak

but when i acutally talk to people

my mind just goes suddenly blank

and walls just automatically come up

i think it had become an instinct

even though i consciously try to really express my true feelings

it just doesn't want to come out

and when i want to show someone my sadness, when i want to cry

i'd be laughing and act frustrated and annoying

espcially when talking to another person

oh God help me cry

i've forgotten how to

help me be more trusting

to stop clinging onto my fear

break me Lord

i yearn for that hope and freedom

pick up my hands and lift them up unto you

help me stop hating myself

help me fellowship with people who love You

teach me through the Holy Spirit

help me lead a Holy Spirit-filled life

i lift up my heart and i cry unto you

i love you Jesus

don't leave me to the wolves to devour

turn Your ear towards me and hear me

i keep on falling

and this time it is the same reason

so weak in my faith

and i am angry with that faithless me

help me be more like Christ

reform me so that i can be used for Your works

and serve as a living testimony of Your glory

it is not the decorative words of my prayer that matters

it's my heart that matters

reform me, Lord

In Jesus' name

Amen.

my dear friend, you said we cannot live alone. we cannot live uno. and yes you're correct. no matter how much i say "i;m fine it is ok to leave my feelings to myself" the more i want to let it out. you're one of the few i've got left. and this is my problem in full-fledged tumult. please don't show me two sides. you've said that yourself we must not lead double lives. isn't two sides no difference? well if you didn't please accept my apology because this is what i percieved. and i hope that Christ is working through you. hope what you've reminded me be also what is reflected in your person. goodwill unto you too.

the verse i read today...

2006-06-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

i read this verse today during my family altar

Se whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God-- even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved. Follow my example, as I follow the example of Christ.

- 1 Corinthians 10:31 - 11:1

i gues you can say i was reprimanded by the Lord, through a friend. my horrible outbursts when life was not going smoothly. i apologize to well most people whom i guess might be concerned. seriously. i gotta learnt how to apologize.

i guess there are really good friends out there. that who can stand and look out and really know you deep deep down into your heart.

some....well they think that they are doing you good, but, in actual they are oblivious to the hurt inside. and there are some whom you just cannot understand thier character. one day will happily talk to you and you would spill out to that person. and the next day, would avoid you like a plague in from of everyone. that's so stupid. why can't that person actually be natural? oh wells i guess again it must be something about me. always. can't really blame them for mixing with such a anti-social person like me. i guess i am really meant to be like....a loner?

hmm....well save some of them. realll realllll good friends are far and few....Shida i'm ok-positive again. not depressed whatsoever. just well....scarred. mm VV.

falling....falling....

2006-06-19T21:59:00.000+08:00

think of this:
you have a large bucket of white paint. so white that it is the most pure refined white paint you've ever seen. And then suddenly almost spontanous, you accidently dropped a small drop of black paint into the mixture. turning it into grey. and no matter how much white paint you try to re add into the miture, you can no longer get back the pure refined white paint that it once was. it becomes grey.

just like us. we can do all the good things in our lives. and it justs takes one simple simple, stupid move that can send us blundering down. think. does a criminal ever have the same respect before he committed his crime. even though he has reformed and tries ferverntly to prove and gain the respect and acceptance from society, he is still avoided and outcasted.

2006-06-17T00:47:00.000+08:00

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive, are always being givenover to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life would reveal in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you
It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who reaised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lost heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.
2 Corinthians 4:8-17

LORD JESUS! I THANK YOU FOR YOUR LIVING WORDS! PRAISE GOD!

prayer

2006-06-16T20:57:00.000+08:00

what is a blog for?
posting our ponderations, monolouging about current events, a sort of information output from a person's POV? or to tell the world that there is someone here living in this world called _____? a outlet for our innermost feelings that we can dare say behind the mask of a computer screen, one which masks the emotions that we try so hard not to express face to face, yet want it heard? why people run away from people yet yearn for their acknowledgements and comfort? is it that we are over spoilt by the comfort provided that hides the real us from the virtual us that we have lost that 'gut' to show our feelings person to person. I guess that is so, in our young generation. i must sound old-ish. but i am one of them. this is not teen angst. this is our real virtuality. not virtual reality.

i have come to realise that, even though it is disturbing and comtemplatable, we are really insignificant. humans, insignificant. and it is true really. witnessing all the things i have seen and feeling all that i have felt makes me smaller that what i used to think. i used to think that a lot of people would bereave if i die. but as i get older my circle seems smaller than i thought it was. and people, they would grief for awhile, acknowledging the existance that used to be for a moment, and they would carry on with their lives. kinda makes you feel rather insignificant huh?

people would always think that they have the most problems than any one, but listen up, everyone says the same thing. i'm not being pragmatic or am not an idealist. but this is what i have been hearing. we are just over melodramatic. sooner or later we would face problems but hey, isn that what comes part and parcel of life? whatever it is life still goes on, people would carry on, and if you stop, you'd just get left behind.

sigh, at times i feel like a hypocrite to my words. at times i feel like i have the most problems, self-heaped. but it is still a fact that we are insignificant. the world still turns and winter always gives in to spring. let me get this clear that at this point of time i am not that depressed whatsoever. i'll make it clear to you.

i pray that this message would be published and my wireless does not act up on me.

cont'd
i had finally come to understand what my friend meant by saying: "life is meaningless". yes, and if you are the one who told me, i have been pondering about it, comtemplating why, would you say such a thing even though i know you of such character. i sought another Christian brother's opinion on the term life is 'meaningless'. at first i was surprised that he could agree but i later found out htat we shouldn't look at the surface meaning of the phrase. but look deeper into it. as such as we shoud apply this same concept when understanding the people around us. i shall put the 'life is meaningless' phrase in a later post for discussion.

at first i regarded this post as a waste of time since only Shida (not a malay even though his name sounds like a school aquaintance's for those in asking) reads this blog (and surprisingly other people do). but i think back again, am i doing this for others? no? so lucky you, i'm writing here. XD

i find that a lot of people even though they have a lot at hand always think that they are really living in the shadows of society, that they are shells of themselves which they are really not. they would give one side of their character to a certain party...like eg. this group of people show this side of me. and this other group of people i'll show another side of me. i am not directing this to anyone. if you feel offended, please don't be because i am not directing anything to anybody in particular. it might be directing to my own being. but i am speaking of it in general and not thinking negatively. why must we have that secret desire for others.... symphathy/pity in a ingenuine manner? there is only two things i live by. God and never manipulating the thoughts of others towards me by bearing false things to my personality. i have my inner problems, everyone has it. i don't say that you can't have a smiling facade. but make sure that you're problems are genuine and not create just to have that attention upon yourself. never lie about yourself or you will find that it would be exposed and you have used you friends symphathy. but it is ok to keep secrets. i pray that you can differenciate between the deciet and the secret.

now put that aside.

my turn.

right now

i feel lost

weeping in sorrow

this is my genuine fears

but i will never

EVER

want another person's symphathy

or pity

unless you really are genuinely concerned

please don't ask of me

my concerns

but i know

that there is one someone that

genuinely cares for me

God

Jesus

comforting shoulder

He hears my spiritual cries

everyday

morning to night

in my sleep

while i smile without that meaning

and He knows i am breaking

He speaks to me by His Word

Lord, help me

my soul my mind and my spirit cries out

is this really the path i should take

help me find my way back

nothing is entering my mind

i can't seem to concentrate

and there are always

people

talking behind me

putting up a false from before me

and then abandoning me

false friends

aquaintences

people who can easily lost interest in a person

like a disinterested child

in this physical world i am in isolation

but Lord, i need to overcome that

knowing that You have never abandoned me

Your Word says "I shall never forsake you"

help me feel that way

a feeling of someone helping me

we are all plastic people, Lord

in hiding

always hiding

and i want to peel of

that plastic layer

Lord I pray

for brothers or sisters in Christ

whom i have known

would genuinely care about my fellowship

with them

i have lacked a strong relationship

with You, most importantly

and them.

and I want to have that close fellowship with them

so that we can

share our love for You

and learn from each other

and i know

that I have genuine people

around me

and i

i treasure friendship

and fellowship a lot

this is my confession

and my heartfelt prayer

i am really a weak person, Lord

weak and brittle

sensitive to the core

but there are walls i built that

prevents me from showing my hurt

if not

i would have cried

a million times over

in front of everyone

laughter i write and express

'lol' and 'haha's

mostly fakes

am at a lost for words

I love and continually

yearn to hear from You

but i also yearn to hear from people

whom i can call true friends

help?

Lord Jesus

i am being pathetic but this is

who i am

i'm really sad

but Lord, i know that You;d be there

i feel that most people view me as a superficial friend

someone who is just a good friend

but not

someone who you can really

really share your deepest care about

i really don't know

that's why i am also

feeling a sort of emptyiness

i feel not worthy

of being anyone's confidante

that i am lead to belive that the other party

is my best best friend

but i was wrong

and the phrase

'stick through thick and thin in the end'

and

'never betrayed'

are just tossed aside

i feel betrayed

but i wish, Lord,

that it could be clarified

when they read this

that's why Lord

i'm happy

that they have taken the time to read

my heartfelt confession

until this point

and

i hope that

they understand

this me

whom is worried

that the people around her

are being just superficial to her.

and Lord,

thank you

for being my spiritual guide

and my strength

You are a faithful God

never abandoning me

in times like this

restoring my family

restoring me slowly

Help me, Lord

in the Mighty name of Christ Jesus

Amen

Vincent

2006-06-13T20:40:00.000+08:00

I told you I would do a Vincent's history post in on of my previous posts. well i did, but i won't clain this as not mine cuz it is off a source. yar.....but it is so.....unfeeling that source. i'll add more feeling to it once my hand heals.
from WIKIPEDIA:
Character Designer Tetsuya Nomura has explained that Vincent Valentine's character shifted from that of Horror researcher, to detective, to chemist, finally arriving at the figure of a former members of the Shin-Ra Company's Turks with a tragic past, only part of which involves being used as a human test subject. It has been further explained that his crimson mantle was added to symbolize the idea of Vincent carrying a heavy weight — related to death — on his shoulders.[1]

Vincent was once a member of the Shin-Ra Company's Turks, a group of highly skilled operatives who specialized in various activies such as espionage, kidnapping, assassinations and serving as bodyguards. When he was assigned to supervise a project spear-headed by his father Grimoire, he fell in love with a scientist named "Lucrecia Crescent," an assistant to his father. However, despite his feelings for her, they parted ways when Grimoire died saving Lucrecia's life. Vincent would later meet her for a second time while assigned to supervise the Jenova Project in Nibelheim, where she was serving as an assistant to Professor Gast. There, Vincent tried expressing his feelings to her, but she rejected him out of guilt over Grimoire's death, ultimately entering a relationship with her associate Hojo instead. Lucrecia became pregnant afterwards, supplying a test subject for the Jenova Project's intentions to investigate the effect of Jenova cells on an unborn child.
Vincent objected to the use of humans—especially Lucrecia and her unborn child, whose parentage he was uncertain of—as live test subjects. Even so, in the interest of science, Lucrecia proceeded with the treatment and suffered various ill effects as a result. Outraged, Vincent confronted Hojo in the Shinra Mansion's underground laboratory and a heated argument ensued. Hojo ended this confrontation by pulling a gun from his lab coat and shooting Vincent down in cold blood. Vincent's body was placed in a large experimental capsule for use in Hojo's experiments based on Lucrecia's research of the Lifestream, originating from the time of her assistance to Grimoire. While Hojo's experimentation resulted in Vincent's anatomy being altered to where he could temporarily change his phyiscal form into monsterous enities (Galian Beast, Hellmasker, and Death Gigas), Lucrecia exposed Vincent's body to G Substance, a contaminated form of mako, and he became Chaos, an entity intended to pave the way for Omega WEAPON by killing all living things.
Under the influence of Chaos, Vincent became consumed in feral rage and broke out of his confinement. Lucrecia then used a materia that could control Chaos' power to calm Vincent and place him in a deep slumber. By the time Vincent reawakened on the operating table—with Hojo and Lucrecia nowhere in sight—he responded to his modified body with both anguish and rage. Later, during the time frame of the game, Vincent is discovered by Cloud's party in a locked room in the basement of the mansion. Here, he had been sleeping inside a coffin for some 23 years as a self-inflicted punishment for his inability to prevent the Jenova Project, which Vincent referred to as his "sin".[2] He then joins AVALANCHE in their quest to stop Sephiroth.

it really is sad. the whole dirge of cerberus issue! plus he heaped all the wrongdoings of the scientists upon him. I was watching those cutscenes from youtube and i went "ahh!! stop it you horrible angsty man!" so full with grief and regret and the music was not helping either. Masashi Hamauzu's soundtracks are so amazing. you can actually feel what the characters are feeling through his music. like for example the song Memories with Lucrecia, it starts with a piano.....with the main tune....indicating an entrace to....a flute and violin. the fulte plays a flirty floaty tune which in a way represents youth and tranquilty. in a way...Clam before the storm. the violin is a very representation of love or tenderness in many aspects. yar ...so the song speaks of a blooming love between the 2 characters Vincent and Lucrecia. XD
Hope for the Future is nother lovely piece. It has piano snippets in between, and the theme which was features in Memories in Lucrecia, and it kinda sounds like.....a closure to all things.....like...the aftermath. yeah....it is like.....there is finally something that we can look forwards into the future. yupppp!!! Bravadia! you should see the ending! it is be-utiful! and sniffle....reall sad.

Little miracles in my life

2006-06-13T13:13:00.000+08:00

do you belive in miracles? God-sent events, points or incidences in your life? Well, I do. Since I am a Christian, and since I believe there is a God, there is certainly miracles. well i do not have big life-changing testimonies at hand, but simple day-to-day ones and i certainly am incandescantly happy to share it!

On tuesday two weeks ago, i supposed to have chinese tuition in the night, and my teacher moved it to wednesday. at the same time, i had already planned some events with a few of my pals. Since tuition was well, more important than outings, i almost had to cancel my outing with a few ex-school friends. i was a bit upset cuz i was looking forward to it and i haven't seen them for quite a long time. but amazingly the next day, while i was in sch. my mom smsed me saying that my tuition teacher could not make it. so wells i had the day off! Thank God!

second, i am not too sure of what happened on sathurday but the night before i had prayed that could be at someplace on sathurdays, knowing that it cannot happen cuz i had piano classes. amaZINGLY ENOUGH, my teacher cancelled the lesson and replaced it on friday. so yeah...kinda happy. thanked GOd after that. who else could have intervened like that? haha

i don't believe in ........deja vu, karma whatever it is.

unfortunatly i sprained/dislocated my hand yesterday. fell down while roller blading, i kinda felt a bit stupid cuz well it was a bet.argh!!!! oh wells, redeeming factor is that i am still young and am not old so it would heal faster! what? did you say i am old?! ahh!!!!

i seriously have no mood to type all of this down but well, i feel guilty for not updating after making such a nice, beautiful (self-acclaimed) layout~! nice? well since you found this post, i guess you know how to navigate.
Main guy (Sora) - my profile
Donald - POSTS! what u are seeing now
Goofy - Tagboard!!
Kairi ( the girl) - Links
Riku (the guy) - Archives and stuff

my left hand hurts like crazy, just have to pray that it would heal faster!!!! only after i got BACK THEN I REALIZED THAT I HAD MORE INJURIES THAN MY HAND. my neck hurts like a deadweight. both knees are like.......blueblack. cuts near my shin. ooooooooo...the roller blades were like super fast. unlike my chapalang ones. i guess i was used to mines thats y i dont' know how to use the good ones.....those...apex 7 ones. therefore having chapalang blading skills and fall like siao. surprisingly i could fit into those blades but they were soggy.....ewww.. now i sould like a girl argh...thats bad...so bad. out of character! ok i am a wounded ranting and raving accident-prone.
y? cuz i like to take erm.... calculated risks. i mean.....those reall daring type of experience. blading....erm....absailing, archery, cycling......ah so fun but at the risk of losing my limbs. still must be careful!!!! lucky me, i am still alive!
i'm getting a bit crazy writing this as my hand is naggingly telling that i need to go see a doctor. once my hands heal, i'll write a proper one.

kingdom hearts

2006-06-11T00:28:00.000+08:00

as you can see..i got a new blogskin made by yours truly....so gonna flunk Os like this..harhar

East Coast

2006-05-21T15:02:00.001+08:00

Gee...i haven;t been updating quite frequently these few days cuz of the accident i had on Friday. well wanna know? alright then.

Friday was just another usual slack day w/o and embellishment and slogging off time during the mother tongue revision which did not concern me at all. most of the drama happened after school, not without the event first thing in the morning in which jun you really pissed me off with his supposedly insults which he of course thought it was a joke. but not to me. well lets just say i got real mad and decided to ignore him for the rest of the day but i regretted doing so, don;t really like hurting anyone's feelings and that includes him despite being horrid to me that day. He's a nice fellow to associate with though. aniways i was on my road to recover from my self-angst due to exam results. don;t ask further, read the previous post for the affirmed reason. and the day before i was rather in an unplanned manner asked to go east coast. so well the person asked me to invite my friends and yes i did.

in the end, janis, josephine and shi ting were the precious few who responeded to my invitation. the rest...well, i guess some didn respond and some unhappily fow me...went shopping. man.....i just don;t get it. what is girls and shoping 24/7 after school. i'm still trying to figure that out. kinda symphatize with thier future husbands o.<

after school we were all discussing to meet where and when until 'that' person by the name of amos (who was the mastermind of the east coast thingy) back out..reason being that he did not ask a few guys to go along...i was supposed to ask them all. also his family had this friend coming to thier house so he needed to be back early, so i guess i was not that mad but i was still angry cuz he planned and backed out leaving me to plan for the rest which apparently went to jo's house to change. plus i know nuts of going to east coast. oh well's now i am not angry. never was. what for.....? i'm just writing this down haha.

so i left to meet the rest of the girls @ woodlands MRT, not after i sprung a surpirse visit on Si hui, jun you(not angry by then, my anger meter ebbs away very fast, praise God) and darren, kong cheng...pei xian if i am not wrong. they were going to do shoppping and watch da vinci code(that horrid movie in my perspection). the bus wait was sooooo long although the ride was only 30 minutes. now i know what he meant by 1 and 1/2 hours. i think there is only one bus in the whole service.

we reached there at the bicycle rental shop after walking endlessly from the bus stop, along the east coast for an estimated 15 minutes. by then it was 3.10. we got free on hour per hour we rent the bike. paid about $6 for mine. it was reallly worth it. it was the best bike as compared to what the rest rented cuz it was a mountain bike with the suspensions and stuff. reall nice bike. you should rent that out. i'll show you if you let me come along. the rest had non-mountain bikes. what do you call it?

but it was really funny, we started out a bit rough with the rest trying thier best to crash into other people and i'm and the front of the apck laughing madly at them. ok i am not that bad. but it was real comical seeing them scream and realize that hey! how would one scream, seemed that i forgotten ever since erm.....primary 5. hate screaming, find it really weird and embaressing and no restrain of actions. haha. not that it is a bad thing though. shi ting was really relaxing.. taking her time cycling. janis was trying her best to out race me with her $5 bike. of course you'd know who wins. not boasting though! ^^ jo...it seemed that she had not rode a bike but she was doing well. we cycled to the jetty, venting our frustrations into the sea. and we rode a bit further, sometimes stoppping and turning back to roar at shi ting to quit dwalding.
that was when IT happened, when we were going to the eatery near the cable water ski area.

i was going at a really high velocity since there was nobody on the path. and since cycling was like natural, like walking for me, i tended to get carried away by my thoughts. all a sudden my mind went blanj, until now, i can;t figure out what i was thinking about at that time to cause to such mishap. all a suddenly i heard josephine screaming at me and i snapped into consiousness, when i looked up, i saw a huge black thing inf front of me - the lamp post. reflexively i swerved my bike as hard as i can so as not to get the bike damaged and pay more that i had in my wallet. there was this horrid screeching sound is the tyres dug into the pavement. alas i was a nanosecond late and my left handle crashed into the lamp post, snaring my fingers and since i swerved, the momentum sent me whole left side crashing into the lamp post.

the agonising pain was felt in the left shoulder and whole left arm, my left side of the leg and my right kneecap cause it slammed into the bicycle frame. i would have found it comical if not for the agony of the moment. i quickly recoverd, more concerned about embaressment that checking my own injuris and continued cycling and getting away from eyes boring down at me in the beach. finally reached the eatery and i took not of all my injuries, they did not feel that pain then as it is acting up right now. the rest later realized what happened to me.

we ate rather good but expensive food. got myself a sugarcane drink for $1.50, a calamansi/lime drink for $1.20. and all of us shared fishball soup, the stingray with belachan and french fries. real yum. janis tried my bike and i tried hers, it was reallly darn crap, that bike. it was gloriously surprising that it didn break under all the stress i was putting on it, pedalling like crazy like those fervent toddlers on thier four wheelers. got some weird stares but heck.

me and jan raced with me on the rickety bike and hers on my smooth sailing great bike and we turned back to lok for jo and shi ting, jan went ahead cuz she was not the breathless one and not the one w/o the horrid old bike. and we later stumbled upon jo and ting who were injured cuz they both fell into the drain, dont ask me why, i don;t know how did they manage to get there. we raced to the 7-11 store and got them some plasters and i fixed ting's bike, i really think girls should learn more aout fixing this sorta stuff and dun wait for the guys to come and help them in these. girls raise your hand if you know how to fix a bicycle chain that was displaced from the gear teeth. it's simple. reaallly go learn how to do it. i can fix my com, bike, guitar, violin, toaster, tv. real fun to take them apart and putting them back. well after fixing thier bike, the rest siad that i should have been born a guy.

they started calling me...trent....troy, though i would have much prefered a nicer and unique name like tristan or trueman. i want a real unique name in the world like none other. if i ever were ot have kids (which i prob doubt) i would name them really unique but nice sounding name. cannot don't want them to get teased at by thier name and have common ones like john, andy etc. no offence to ppl with those names though, blah.

we went back after that well for msot of the time we rushed here and there to get first aid stuff. but it was fun. the only ting we didn do was blading. man...i wanted to do that in east coast but the rest didn know how to blade so i dropped that idea. didn;t i mention i can cycle without any hands on the handle, or i like to jump or take my feet off the bike. real fun doing those things. i remember going down a slope while doing the hands-off. thinking back, i was trying to see how much pain can a human body endure..no i cwas curious and how far i could go, how extreme i was. so i roled down the slope near my house and crashed into the HPD flat wall in front of the slope. you see, the slope awas only 2 metres away from a wall perpencidular to it to yeah i always go there but i normallly do reall tight turns after coming down the slope. it is like this slope->
\
\ 2m <- wall of hdb flat blk 214 so yea i think it was slightly lower than 45 degress, that slope so you can imagine the elevation in such a short slope. the bike i had got wreaked beyond compare but since my dad was about to throw it away and plus it was rather ou of shape, it was thron away and i got a new one. ^^ hurrah/ the last time i encountered an accident with the wall was when i rollerbladed down it. love blading, especially doing the jumping. in primary 5, i was using my really old rollerblades and i performed the jump, upon touching the floor, the wheels of my in-line skates cracked so yar i threw the wheels away. they were hard plastic so sooner or later i had to replace them. i remember bleeding darn badly with blood dripping all over the grey pvement when i fell while the place was under renovations. yup so i'm not that at home stuck there kinda person. if you give me the time and place, i'd happily go out and get a life. well now i am cycling around the marsiling, woodlands and admiralty areas as daily as possible.

Exam Marks

2006-05-17T16:54:00.000+08:00

i have never ever been so depressed about my results. it was to the etent i hurt myself..(accidentally but obliviously). i was making those stapler refill tack thingys oin my desk.....made a lot cuz i was upset. den chee chun came along and took some of the to throw at eunice.....i was so angry that i banged my hand against the table very violently. then i remembered: i was doing those tack thingys and they were all over the place... it was weird i didn feel a thing. i looked at the back of my hand. lo and behold: about 5 tack thingys were on my palm and fingers. all of them poked right through until the whole arm of the tack was embedded into my flesh. kai an was looking at me with a horrified look, chee chun, farhan, eunice was doing the same. but i just ignored them. i didn feel any pain. so wanted to leave the tacks in my skin but humanity got me and i slowly pulled out the tacks one by one. they all loked at me like some kinda inhuman thing.
English: P1 sec2: 15/30 (shit)
P2: 36/50
EMaths:A1
A maths: C5
Bio: B4
Chem: A1
Phys: A2
Geog: A2
SS: F9!!!!
my bio and ss and chemistry....argh!@!!!! so wanna kill myself! esp for bio and ss....how could it be possible...well i made failure a reallly reallly real reality. argh! vomit blood. couldn't stand...can;t cry anymore.......need something to shed blood....i just wish i can rest forever and ever and ever from this tiring and horrible reality.

Vincent & Lucrecia

2006-05-15T19:29:00.000+08:00

really cute video of Vincent and Lucrecia's first meeting. dun bother about hte video. youtube quality is infamed to well...suck. but thats the only video i can find. sigh. i'd post the story of them when i am feeling better. but i just have this weird affinity to FFVII, cuz well i feel that my personality draws me to keep on playing it and loving it. XD.
this is what they are talking about:

Vincent: My name is Vincent Valentine and I came from the main company to become your bodyguard.

*Camera closes up onto Lucrecia to show that she’s shocked.*

Lucrecia: No way… [Lies]

Vincent: Ha…?

Lucrecia: Why is it ….that person’s…

Vincent: Um…?

Lucrecia: !!! Huh? So…sorry. Ri..right, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen someone from the Turks so…

*sighs but then in a cheerful voice*

It’s Lucrecia. Nice to meet you, Mr. Bodyguard.

*The screen turns white as Lucrecia smiles at Vincent.*

onto my crappy day

i'm so depressed about my results. i know that people would be thinking: "you gotta be kidding me! c;mon lor you got like higher marks than me." but even if it is, my parents expectations were much more than what i am currently getting, and my ain for the A1s by mid-years.
you may think i am crazy like those muggers and super genius, but please, do not ever discern me as this. i hate being called a mugger cuz i never wa. don't ever call me that. i know sometimes i say i'd prob fail and then suddenly get A2 (not boasting) but it just shows that i have low-self confidence. aniways..i so don't like my parents' idea of not lettting me go to m'sia
it is so sickening. everyone of S2J is going and i am the only one who can't cuz they said i;d get -,-,-, all thouse weird stuff happening to girls of they are not careful and venture into isolated places. well. i am with FRIENDS...hello.
i guess thats also why i don;t have a social life....over protective parents. i also want my own social space. sigh...i think i'll only get it if i am 21.
i really want to cry after my results. which i would only post after i get back all. i still havent' really cried cuz of something personal. only cried once last week in the whole of my long long 4th year in high. cuz i saw the V x L scenes. feeling so rotten inside as ever. don't even know why i am even breathing and existing and suffering.

2006-05-11T20:40:00.000+08:00

I know that this song is kind of romantic and is rather OOC for a cold, loveless, character like me. but i have to take a break you know? i would not delve to far into 'that' topic because i am seriously not even the premordial stage of getting in love with significant other. just bear with the fluffiness of this song. though i kind of like the sad themes mentioned in the song midways.

1000 words from FFX-2

I know that you're hiding things

Using gentle words to shelter me

Your words were like a dream

But dreams could never fool me

Not that easilyI acted so distant then

Didn't say goodbye before you left

But I was listening

You'll fight your battles far from me

Far too easily"Save your tears cause I'll come back

"I could hear that you whispered as you walked through that door

But still I swore

To hide the pain when I turn back the page

sShouting might have been the answer

What if I'd cried my eyes out and begged you not to depart

But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart

Though a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

Crossing over the time and distance holding you

Suspended on silver wings

And a thousand words

One thousand confessions

Will cradle you

Making all of the pain you feel seem far away

They'll hold you forever

The dream isn't over yet

Though I often say I can't forget

I still relive that day

"You've been there with me all the way"

I still hear you say

"Wait for me I'll write you letters"

I could see how you stammered with your eyes to the floor

But still I swore to hide the doubt

When I turn back the pages

Anger might have been the answer

What if I'd hung my head and said that I couldn't wait

But now I'm strong enough to know it's not too late

Cause a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll fly to you

Even though we can't see I know they're reaching you

Suspended on silver wings

Oh a thousand words

One thousand embraces

Will cradle you

Making all of your weary days seem far away

They'll hold you forever

Oh a thousand words

Have never been spoken

They'll fly to you

They'll carry you home and back into my arms

Suspended on silver wings ohhh

And a thousand words

Call out through the ages

They'll cradle you

Turning all of the lonely years to only days

They'll hold you forever

there, thats the gist of it. quite a nice song, if only i had not lost that mp3 file i could have put it up but, 'fate' has gotten on the bad side of me...or was it the other way around. hrm..

now my Mid terms are over, and although i am angsting and tossing and turning in my bed because of harsh regrets of not doing so-and-so questions and the occasional spazzing out halfways through the papers. i am fine, well trying to be. God is by my side and i will always have that adhered to my being. of course i don't paste post-it notes ontu my head bearing "God is always with you" but of course, it is a trained and timed reminder in this students POV "living hell" called mid-terms, He would not fail you. well this ios a sort account, i don;t really think it is that big of a testimonial but this is how i feel.

i had been praying that i find some way to 'increase my memory capacity'. i work by logic, not by memory, gladly and sadly too. cuz i would flunk at memorizing subjects like geog and social studies, thus they become stumbling blocks. so i asked God to help me 'increase my ablility to remember what i read' for the lack of a better expression. lo! and i felled more energized to study. well although i was not albe to remember word for word or some facts and dates. i was rather impressed that all the facts started pouring out of my mind during the few tests. albiet, i had not the time for writing it to perfection. but i'd like to post these few verses from my NIV Bible that really kept me going on and not backing away from my fight against the idleness of my mind during my week-long suffering.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who reaised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lost heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

2 Corinthians 4:8-17

Although, it may not directly seem to be hitting the mark in motivating me. i'll explain further that, because i give all i do for the Lord, i shall continue striving to give the best for the Lord. even though we may fail sometimes, people fail us sometimes, we fail God sometimes, we feel guilty and lock away, shunning and dismissing our actions, dissapointed, we most never ever ever stop at that point. 'never lost heart' the battle still rages but now you are only moving back. never retreat what you have started. you'd only be more dissapointed and stop exploring new things. to sum things up. don;t retreat. find ways, good ways to solve the problem belieing ahead of you. and once you have tackled it, your stumbling block, is just a stepping stone to your sucess, achievements - euphoria. thats why that concept. has driven me to not give up halfway even though i am significantly depressed about the previous papers and i am not like those who keep saying: "oh crap! i'm like so dead! screw it i am not studying."

that is not the way to tackle your predicaments, it only adds on. we have to fail sometimes and swallow the bitter medicine to get better. you'd only be running away from the problems which would ultimately consume you like a diesease. that is coward, and a certain way to hide your prides and utter dissapointment. one must not give up that easily.

yes you may get angry at this new post but i condemn this behavior cuz i care. you wont like people who sweet talk to you, only to find that they were wrong all this while. that is indirect betrayal. no fingers pointing at anyone. this web log is my voice box.

2006-05-10T17:26:00.000+08:00

In this Serenity

Shimmering so bright

Guiding light, divine

Flow along the sea

Of fading stardust

Reminisce the touch

Over the hands you still clutch

We'll belong lost in the past

Left to emancipate

We pray among the clouds

In the pitch blackness of night

Our voices ascend to the stars

There's will to overcome

Though we stumble and fall
In this serenity . . .

Eternity . . .

We ask the starry sky

The reason to keep on our cruise

Why we suffer and

Struggle 'til end

Though the darkness may prevail

Alighted heart shall avail
In this serenity . . .

Eternally . . .

In this Serenity is a really nice song sung by Mayumi Gojo, featured in the anime Xenosaga. really. it is nice. but not the anime thoug. i find it a crude ecuse of the game which is so much better. Albedo laughs like a squirrel in the anime. >.<

well i'm doing this cuz Joel asks me to update my blog....but i updated on monday didn't I?

so anyways, my mid-years are so screwed up. well partially cuz i didn't study. with the eception of Bio, although i pia-ed it, still, i have a nagging feeling Mr Chong is so gonna have aheart attack after marking my script. I mean c'mon, i score for his tests, but this time...this time. I forgot to do one question with a 5 marks weightage.....95% left. I didn't write finish my eplaination in the FIRST structured essay question.....-7 marks ....82% . i lied my way thru the mutation part.....-10......72%. crapped about the ecology part. -5....67%......plus the additional -10 marks if i do wrong in the other parts of the question........57%....wow. neat huh. I almost cried...well i wanted to, but can't. I seemed to numb after failing my chinese so many times. numb numb. my heartstrings are taut and stiff frozen.

well, i still got one more test to go before I go back to the routinal life of a O'level student. XD no fear, no worries. God is with me, what can I fear?

I simply love the Dirge of Cerberus soundtrack composed Masashi Hamauzu. you should listen to Prologue to Dirge of Cerberus and the starting song....Flicker. yeah....i think the Prologue can be found in the little music bar at the starting of my blog....though you have to refresh this page to choose the song. cuz once you click enter. you can't change the song. Calm Before the Storm, Ninja Girl of Wutai, Chaotic End, Memories with Lucrecia, A Proposal, Lucrecia Crescent. All are Dirge of Cerberus soudntrack files. really nice. listen to them on my blog front...i think the composer must have been like reflecting on....redemption, grace, grief and loneliness when he composed this works. Really nice. Probably i should become a literature student. I just love finding the meaning behind the songs. Pop songs (subjective and not saying in general) are mostly straightforward. simple words...simple meaning - "Darling i want you" somewhere along that line or "your not good enough for me" get what i mean. or those realy nasty rock lyrics....>.<. soudntracks are the nicest and the most challenging to decipher. think: "what is the lyricist(if applicable) or the composier is thinking about when they produced it? and what feelings did they want to give? yeah. music is like that. no one can make music without thinking of a feeling. if not. it is just sounds, pathetic, permutations of notes and chords.

owari

be in haste

2006-05-08T18:23:00.000+08:00

current music: SHINN ASUKA: Torn-up Memories and the Eye of Suffering from SEED Destiny Suites from the Animation: Kidou Seishi Gundam SEED Destiny. -.-"

i have came to realize how easy and how fast can one person change his/her attitude or mood, whatever you call it, within a span of 24 hours. mid-year exams are a crisis that we cannot ignore, and have to face now or later, although, it is now i guess.

so what causes us to degrade so quickly to a shell of our living?

anycase, i have been there before. save yourselve! do not be burdened by those bottled emotions and suffurings that are ripping your heartstrings apart. you;d only remain, a lost, just a image, or a breathing shell of the soul you once were. well, now i am feeling much better thank you. but i do care about people around me. it is kinda a weird logic thing so you may find it hard to understand. tell you whats comforting, no one has rellly understood me yet ya? so don;t beat yourselve up for not really knowing me cuz...i dun really reveal. i hide
and thats a bad thing. i can;t seem to escape it. i forgotten, its become a norm for me. maybe around my family. immediate ones, i'd show who i really am, ut until i can trust you like them. well wait on brother, sister.

i kinda symphatise with Vincent. well cuz i inkinda am on the same line, beating ourselves up over any minute thing. seeing ourlseves unaccomplished...although i am a more klutzy counterpart. X.x oh wells
must be something so traumatic in my life that turned me like that. i can vaguely recall being a group person. i;ve known myself to be self-suffiice. i solitary. well i have gone quite numb to other feelings. but slowly i will open up, if only i can slowly trust the people around me. and i am terrified of human contact albiet family.

well one may feel it is eutopia that you be free of any ties, but it is really a living hel.. i came to realise that one day you might have to yearn for human companionship. well it is our nature anyways. the further we draw from human contact, the more we crave from it. it is like a child and his ice cream.

OWARI

sentiments

2006-05-06T00:21:00.000+08:00

i'm becoming more irratioanly sentimental. oh man,....i don;t know hwats wrong with me, losing myself to the otherside of my emotions and thoughts. nightmares to ccome

my sanity on a funeral pyre

2006-05-06T00:05:00.000+08:00

nagare yuku

subete no monowari

ha konoyo ni

ha nai nemuri

tamaeitoshii hitosono

inochi tsuduite

yukuanata ha

umaresoshite

ikitakibou n

o uta

tsutaeru tame

towa nisasage

tamaekono na

mida haarata

naru ai no

kotobaarigatou yume

woshifuku no hibikono sho dedeaeta kototowa ni
Translation: (by Shinsen)
There’s no end to be found in this world

.Sleep, my beloved.

Your life goes on.

You were born,

and so you lived

You will tell the song of hope, won’t you?

For eternity

Offer up these tears,

The words of the new love.

Thank you, days of bliss within my dreams.

I thank the fact that we met here.

For eternity

i am so gonna mis 4e1 class....just have that sentimental feeling. sigh. ,emtal note: make that darn time machnise fast. feeling so down and lost. my sanitty is epping away

これは日本語にある

2006-05-02T21:15:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna type all ofthis in jap for my jap friends (but trust me it is very crappy. cuz i'm using trans......shuhs!) so that type would not have the trouble of deciphering it...except for the skit part...that is the universal language...gaming....hoho.
今日私はがくから単語文書を受け取った。私(Rufus) のは出現の子供の最終的な想像VII のskit だった及びAC チームの残りはそれを行くここにしていた:
today i received a word document from calyx. it was an advent children final fantasy VII skit which me (Rufus) and the rest of the AC team would be doing. here it goes:

Hisashiburi のminna! Radzonen はcosfest のためのffac のskit と私達がmsn で昨日雑談したときに出て来た。ここに彼が(msn から裂かれて) 示した考えのsm はある - 考えまたは私を見つけることを試みてちょうど元のstoryline に続きなさい、俳優が接吻するために仮定するとき私達は- 検閲されるYuri yaoi/場面のために…誰かに巨大の/NC16 印と出て来、接吻をカバーしてもらう- 私及び論理が... muahahaha でよいそう唯一の音響効果... - そう要するに私は少なくとも2 つのskit の提案を1 つが受け入れられなければ思い付かなければならない(慎重があるabt に聴衆を頼まれて) - 1 は他の1 が行為のYuri/yaoi である- yaoi/Yuri のstoryline: 設定: Tifa の棒(後治るgeostigma) - 設定は最終的な戦いである- 少なくとも最終的な戦いの版を短くしなさい- Rufus はJenova をKadaj 、Yazoo およびLoz の保有物とヘッド彼人質保持する- Reno は私達がRufus を解放する要求を書き入れる- Kadaj は否を言う- Loz はReno まで動き、二重使用は追跡する- 雲、Tifa 、Vincent およびCid は入る- Reno は飛ぶ- Tifa はReno に彼の傷害に出席することを行く- Reno は彼の傷害が従って厳しいある機能し、ようにTifa を感じることを試みる。しかし彼が言われたTifa 何でもすることができる前にabt をそれ考えてはいけない- Tifa はSHM が捜しているそれはであるものReno に彼女の握りこぶしを(僅かなユーモア唯一の... jap 様式) - 雲尋ねるKadaj に示す- Kadaj は彼が彼を離れてRufus の"毛布" を引っ張ると同時に"私達に捜しているこれを" 答える- 箱にしがみつくRufus - Rufus は曇るために箱及びco. を投げるabt であるが、Yazoo はRufus の寺院で彼の銃を指す。Yazoo はsmirks - Yazoo がsmirks 後、発射される銃の音響効果- Kadaj はRufus の手、Rufus の落下からの箱をゆっくりそして劇的に強奪する- 非常に衝撃を与えられ、怒っているReno 。"彼がほしかったすべてがShinra を再建するべきだったことを彼のフィートに得られて言い。挑戦がいかに終えるそれのような彼の夢をちょうどか。!" - 彼の主任を復讐するためにReno は先に急ぐことを試みる- 雲は彼を停止する- 雲は"この戦いがあなたのでないことを言う。それらを大事にすることを許可しなさい私を。" - Cid のさえずりの"私にこの孤独な英雄をがらくた再度与えない。Cid はあらゆる戦いから支持しない。" - Vincent は"どちらもI" 彼が彼のCerberus を用意するので- 曇らせる申し分なく見ることを言うCid 及びVincent の"人に。私達が"いかにのような使用したか- 戦うFFVII の最終的な主任音楽のスタンスをこれを... しよう- SHM の戦いのスタンス(非常に涼しく、横柄なスタンス) は- 私が考えるCos 性能の10 から15 分しか得なかった- そしてskit の私の第2 部分、戦いのスタンスの後で、私達はFFVII の戦い様式を使用する- 回転は攻撃を基づかせていた- そう私達に人々が戦い、マジック、限界の壊れ目のカードと出て来ることをある- 戦いのchoreography は... 皆で終るが、- 私が考えているwat はこの戦いの雲にあり、Kadaj は2 左の地位である- それから得る彼の限界の壊れ目を曇らせなさい- 雲は勇敢なSlasher を使用する- 彼の膝n へのKadaj の低下は原料を言い、Jenova 箱を開発する私達は- 箱に…小さい1 本の水及びドライアイスを置いた- kadaj がであるので彼慎重に注ぐドライアイスに水を言う-... それからつくKadaj で消える煙の得られた多くを保障しなければならない- J.E.N.O.V.A への音楽変更- それからkadaj はSephiroth に変形する- 雲及びSephiroth は終わりに戦う- それから映画からラインをSephiroth の発言曇ることを何か借りなさい。- ライト。Kadaj はSephiroth を取り替える- 雲は彼の腕のKadaj を運ぶ- Loz 及びYazoo は段階で互い違いになる。Yazoo は雲を撃つ- 雲はそれらを、それら見る雲を見る- 互いで満たされてそれからつき、- 端- 得られたら時間Aerith 及びZack 私はそれらを伸ばし、含んでいる u のうちのどれかが意見、提案、追加項目、等の電子メールがradzonen pls がある。またこれ及びチームを...... 渡しなさいか。
ENGLISH
Hisashiburi minna!
Radzonen came out with the ffac skit for cosfest when we chatted on msn yesterday. Here’s sm of the ideas he presented (ripped from msn) ----------------

-trying to find ideas or I just follow the original storyline
-for the yaoi / Yuri scenes, when the actors suppose to kiss, we have someone come out with a huge censored / NC16 sign and cover the kissing
-so only sound effects... which me and logic is good at... muahahaha
-so in other words I must come up with at least 2 skit proposals in case one is not accepted (asked abt being discreet for audience)
-One would be yaoi / Yuri the other one is action
-yaoi / Yuri storyline: Setting: Tifa's Bar (after geostigma cured)
-Setting would be final battle
-shorten version of the final battle at least
-Rufus would hold Jenova's head with Kadaj, Yazoo and Loz holding him hostage
-Reno would enter demanding that we release Rufus
-Kadaj would say no
-Loz Runs up to Reno and use Dual Hound
-Cloud, Tifa, Vincent and Cid enters
-Reno flies off
-Tifa goes to Reno to attend to his injuries
-Reno acts as if his injuries are so severe and tries to feel Tifa up. But before he could do anything Tifa said don't even think abt it
-Tifa shows Reno her fist (a bit of humor only... jap-style)
-Cloud ask Kadaj what is it the SHM are looking for
-Kadaj answers "we're looking for this" as he pulls off Rufus's "blanket" off him
-Rufus holding on to box
-Rufus is abt to throw the box to Cloud & co. but Yazoo points his gun at Rufus's temple. Yazoo smirks
-After Yazoo smirks, sound effect of gun being fired
-Kadaj snatches Box from Rufus's hands, Rufus falls slowly and dramatically
-Reno very shocked and angry. Got to his feet and says "All he wanted was to rebuild Shinra. How dare you end his dream just like that?!"
-Reno tries to rush forward to avenge his boss
-Cloud Stops him
-Cloud says "This battle isn't yours. Let me take care of them."
-Cid chirps in "Don't you give me this lonely hero crap again. Cid doesn't back away from any battle."
-Vincent says as he readies his Cerberus "Neither do I"
-Cloud looking over to Cid and Vincent "Alright Guys. Let's do this... like how we used to"
-Battle Stance with FFVII Final Boss Music
-SHM battle Stance (very cool and arrogant stance)
-cos I think only got 10 to 15 mins of performance
- Then my 2nd part of the skit, after the battle stance, we will use FFVII battle style
-turn based attack
-so we will have people coming out with cards with Battle, Magic, Limit Break
-the battle choreography would be done as a team...
-but wat I’m thinking is in this battle cloud and Kadaj would be the 2 left standing
-then Cloud gets his limit break
-cloud uses Brave Slasher
-Kadaj drops to his knee n says some stuff and opens up the Jenova box
-In the box we put a small bottle of water and dry ice
-as kadaj is saying he pours the water onto the dry ice discreetly
-must ensure got lots of smoke... then light on Kadaj goes off
-Music change to J.E.N.O.V.A
-then kadaj transform into Sephiroth
-Cloud and Sephiroth fight to the finish
-then borrow lines from the movie where Sephiroth say something to cloud.
-Light off. Kadaj replaces Sephiroth
-Cloud carries Kadaj in his arms
-Loz and Yazoo staggers on stage. Yazoo shoots cloud
-Cloud looks at them, they look at Cloud
-Charged at each other and then lights off
-The end
-Aerith and Zack if got time I extend and include them in

(O.o i'm gona die in the skit! noooo....ok well ther is another guy who is technically dead...Sephy-sama! ok fangirlyness all over and through....need idleum. uhoh)

Any of u has any opinions, suggestions, add-ons, etc., pls e-mail radzonen.
Also pass this and the team…...

さようならそして神賛美しなさい! それが短くおよび下肢が不自由だったが更新しなさい
Good bye and God Bless! although it was a short and lame update

computer graphics and lit.

2006-04-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

whoa..i finally finished my artwork. it is the best of my collectioj and i love it. although i am not that proud of it. currently reading a manga called death note. it is a bit sadistic. but interestting.
i came to realise that everything i write reflects on the inner me. should i cover it up or should i continue? yes people. everything i do in the case of arts are my inner me. oh yea....so wat those this pic represent.....hrm? oh ok....i leave it up to you to decide lar. but clue is it is is below PG rating lar. good. now all dumb trash thoughts are out of your mind....look i am cultivating your mind to think creative. hrm...not bad... i should try more intersting stuff like this more often, bwahaha.
i tried shading the eyes with the inspiration of a certain trinity blood wallpaper done by some really lovable guy (cuz he made the wallpaper duh. nothin else). hey i refered to trinity blood yet again. muz be having a certain affinity to it. oh wells.
was scroughing my mind for the colour combinations in the hair and eyes and the clothing.
should i adapt it into my wardrobe? naww.....black and white are still my reputable colours. shoudl try Chanel with reccomendatioins form Jun you for my peculiar taste in colours. hrm....
$$ flying out. knwledge flying out. i think the scientist would wana conduct eperiments on the lowest IQ ever. oh man...

broken wings

2006-04-26T23:35:00.000+08:00

there are my fav animes not in favouritsm order...
trinity blood
chrno crusade
bleach
full metal alchemist
gundam seed destiny
samurai 7
peacemaker kurogane
fruits basket
tactics
and rurouni kenshin series
then the mangas:
trinity blood
full metal alchemist
chrno crusade
vampire knights
peacemaker
kidou seshi GSD
fruits basket
fushigi yuugi
(note my excessive use of space)
i'm 'pose to be studying for english but i seem to do otherwise...maybe it is selective memory.
i have been on drawing highs these few days all thank to my desktop wallpaper of Cain and Abel from Trinity Blood.
nice manga and anime. should try it out.
i like helping people. it's my nature. not htat i do volenteering or some sort. but to make people around me nicer and happier....i feel happier. hrm....i thrive on human emotions? hypothesis positive 60%
i hate being the caouse of unhappines and i wish everyone around me is happy.
maybe it is my selfish nature.....i want to be the only ssad person in the world...all sufferings on me....if i do that i'd break soon. maybe, could be.
or do i want to play martyr? nah...
just want to be the one who break down the walls of peoples hearts? quite true, of course it is not my selfish desire to do so but it is for their benifit. maybe i dn really care about myself at all? hrm....i bother about others to care about myself? and if i die do i know? alright that was wayyy to dark....turn the lights on again.
i like inferencial...makes me understand my beings even more. funny isn;t it...thats y i'm 2% you know what. love english nowadays...it is fun....pity that some people in my class take advantage of Mrs Raj. good thing she has a powerful vocab! Go Mrs Raj!!!!
like this song by tomeke tame, Trnity Blood ED as usual:
i know that this would remain forever
however it's beautiful
your eyes, hands and your warm smile
they're my treasure
it's hard to forget
i wish there was a solution
don;t spend your time in confusion
i;ll turn back & spread...
My broken wings still strong enough to cross the ocean with
my broken wings
how far should i go drifting in the wind?
higher and higher in the light

my broken wings
still stonog enough to cross the ocean with
my broken wings
how far should i go drifting in the wind?
across the sky, just keep flying

keisoku no dekinai itami to keisoku dekinai jikan no namega
subete wo umete shimaou toshitamo
sore demo watashi wa kanjirariru
sorakara ochitekeru mo wa (2x)
ume da wa nakate

lovely song

think of it....compared with my first posts..i've become a lot nicer with my words...i'm sure.
i who i am now hates the i who i was. simple logic...just read it a few times and understand. yea... those were the times when i really backslided from Church and was like a lukewarm Christian....i found myself repulsive those says and i plan to improve myself! God's working through me whoo yeah....what a wonderfull feeling...i'm going all soft now...haha...erps am...gtg study ciaos

010609-ok positive K.Ryuu Shida doesn't get me oh yeah. Shida . gettit? God bless you!Shida Shida Shida rawks mann! ok 'Shio' dun reach out from the com screen and bash my virtual head....it hurts with al the knowledge i'm cramming into it.
i'm losing hair at a fast rate ya know....just run the fingers thru my hair and i find clumps coming out...wow...premature aging....gonna ned to buy a wig soon hawhaw

Nil commenduo

2006-04-25T20:16:00.000+08:00

a picture and CG art which i did yesterday...neat huh...although i can do better!!

it's a bit sickening when you wrote about 5 microsoft Doc with of rambles only to find that you accidenlty click the close buttons. aniways to cut long story short,
1) i dun like that guy in my class who is a idiot wannabe. 2 conversations with him, and he only knows how to make rude comments. despite he does not know and understand ther person. utterly dumb and his social skills are nil.

2) I wish to get Janis to miralce service so that God can deliver her form her internal pain and her emotional pain, and of course let her eperience Christ and make him her only Saviour and True Support. i keep on praying everyday for thhe courage to do it and if she comes bak i'm gonna sk her. i widh for more people to come and pray for her, more suitably, people who know her. classmates. unfortunatly the Christian classmates whom i've come to know are sadly, don't walk the talk. they keep saying about perserverance nd follow and be like Christ...not be Christ but be LIKE Christ, but the net minute they would go do otherwise. they are so cold that the faith they are suppose to believe in becomes a routine of norms and songs and thats all. i o intend this message for those whom read this and know who you are. if you decide that these is stupid althoughthis in under careful ponderations and praying, and you decide that this underlying message is too irksome to be bothers and also decide not to befrined me, i can only say tht i would be sad, not cuz you left me but you are denying yourself. sometimes a little humility works wonders, if only, if only you would reflect on your person. and i know you know who yuo oare. that's if u read this. iif you are true and yuor hearts set in Christ i hope you understand what i'm trying to tell you. live what you believe. Christ is not a theory and not a concept. He is therefore He is. Live him. and Live with and in Him.
Back to the point, i fervently hope and pray that we can help Janis and we ourselves as Christians and upgrade ourselves in Christ, making us better persons and living testimony for Christ. cuz what we do is what nonbelievers would think of us Christians. it is sad that nowadays, there are some Christians who go to Church pray, go cell, get all hyped up....den back in school......"ah screw them teachers!!" or "that person.....no hope.." C'mon man! what di the bible teach you about hope and being fisher;s of men...are you gonna sit there all idly and wait for souls to pass before your eyes and realise how much youve lost.....it is in equivalents to murder or incompentancy!~
i so wanna cry when she cries.........it pains me to see her in such helplessnes and drift.
God give me the strength and courage to ask her to come ofr miracle service and she would be a living testimony in Your name. I pray that You would guard my mouth, deeds and actions against anything which is unholy and unclean in Your eyes. For God, what is worse than a non=believer is a hypocritical Christian, as they are the ones that cloud the opnions of the non-believers and pose a threat to the intake of people into Your Kingdom. Lord, let me not stray from whatever You have taught me and let Your words be put into action in me and as to the rest of my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ in my class. Amen.

i fell, i cry inside

2006-04-19T20:32:00.000+08:00

sigh, i am here again, with a heavy heart, and an emo sob ramble. yet again. why me? i asked myself. well it is completely understandable to me that our lives are not entirely perfect no matter how much we want it to be. my icon is what i feel like doing now. i really want to cry my heart out, but the ironic thing is, i try to but i fail.

i've been rather upset of myself again yet again, my prayers seemed stale and nothing is reall working in me. and i have gotten all happy-farce mode. i wanted to cry this morning after PE lessons when my lungs were buring for air. i had this whole mucus stuck in my windpip that i could not breathe, plus i have a certain blood disorder which makes my stamina - nil. i feel so weak, and that is the most fearsome thing i fear.

i never want to feel helpless and dependant on other people (except God), i fear that i become too much of a hassle to deal with. and things which i can;t to i get uset all over it. but it is just me. i hate my helplessness, and disabilities, and envy those to can like....run faster, who are stronger, and play better. i know that my weaknesses hinder me from doing that, no matter how eager am i to carry it out.

so during PE, and i wanted to hav fun, i overexerted myself - as per usual. and my whole body is not even co-operating to me. immediatly after PE, it failed me miserably ad i got that drowning like of sensation wheby i could not breathe. i wished i had not this disorder. i'm very miserable about it. i feel that i can;t do a lot of things which i want to do. thus my reactions went outta control today. reacted badly among friends (well some of them, and i apologize for that). just hope that they would not treat me differently, just hope that they did not misunderstand. sigh....i

m getting more depresseddwriting this, i better stop all this self angst.

God He Reigns!!!

2006-04-16T21:37:00.000+08:00

i hate to admit it but since it is part of what i'm gonna say....i was reluctant to go to church today.
yeah...firstly i had this horrible cough which had been latching onto my throat for about a week. i told you n the previous post. so i felt so lethargic and lazy. didn even feel like getting outta bed. but after my dad coax me to come, i did, but still reluctantly. i blalantly forgot that this is Easter Sunday.
i have been low in spirits this past few days too. i am not consistant in my QT nowaday getting all worked and stress. at this point of time i know some who read this would say that this is hardly an excuse. yeah....i know that too but thanks though if u said it to me. Felt so distant from God, as if i am all alone, in my fears and sadness. just cannot seem to really feel happy inside, but i put on this outward facade and people don't realise i am all hurting and sensitive inside. my thoughts and emotions were all spinning out of control and a lot of stuuf had been going all wrong this few days. of course it sums up to the word -moody. yeah well...not really but for the benifit of the doubt, moody it is.
so, i felt it was a drag going to church today, didn fell like going to cell at all after that. but today changed my whole spiritual drive. i could barely describe it but as the words of song left my lips, i was revived again. there was this whole amount of energy coursing through me and there is was, the Holy Spirit. At first i was coughing badly throughout the first few slow songs..but i called out to the Lord saying: "Lord, deliver me from this cough, even for a short moment, clear my lungs, so i can sing the praises to you without the hindrance. Teach me through the Holy Spirit how to sing."
and i could sing clearer, albiet slight coughs but a great deal lesser. my heart was so lighted up and fired up with joy in singing that i completely forgot about my lethergicness-for the lack of a better word. i was amazed at how i could sing through the Holy Spirit's guidance, it was like i knew what to sing (though some songs i know). but yeah...it was real fun. i am actually a reall bad singer to tell you the truth, but with God, all things are possible yeah? ^^
we sang two reall great songs: God He Reigns and What the World Would Never Take
go buy the Hillsong Album: God He Reigns support the artists!!!!
'i got a saviour and he's livin' in me WHOA! i wanna know, i wanna know Him today!' yea...and i pray that al of you fellow Christians and non-believers would want Him today! cuz He is the one and only LIVING God! this Easter Sunday, Jesus rose from the dead. No other being has done it. never would and never will. So with this, i bide thee all to cling unto the Lord, the Living God as your hope and your deliverer from the dead. Happy Easter! and Good night~
HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

2006-04-15T12:35:00.000+08:00

I have been sick lately since monday. argh.

hope i did not pass any virus to anyone in the class or my friends. i have this energy-sucking sorethroat and headache which mom thinks that it is common fever.

I missed Good Friday service cuz family wanted to go outing.And goodness we ate~! Muz strive for 55 at least!! but a good thing missed GFS cuz i got a massive headache so i despertaly wanted to go home and sleep.

the minute i went home i fell asleep and by the time i got up it was 1 am. i thought it was 8pm and parents and rest of the familywent out for dinner. until i saw them sleeping. O.o nooo....was so hungry but didn want to eat. man....could not sleep till 3am, i want reading manga meanwhile. i had this weird re-occuring dream yet again.
it goes like this:

was in England with a few close friends (and one whom was not apparently but he went along for goodness knows why). we on the first night in England close to the heathrow aiport booked this weird looking hotel. and that was the weirdest part of the dream. seems that this building in which this dream referred as the Hotel, i have been seein' it in my dreams a number of times. but in different scenario of course. eg. a home.....a friends house. whatever. so in this dreams, i went out while the rest were sleeping and it started to rain...no, Hail. and this hail had been a tagging scenario after the hotel clip. the building is somehow connected with the hail in all of my dreams. is there some sorta message here? or am i freaking myself out. i really dont know what is making me dream this building and these hails over and over again. lemme try to describe the building. it is about 4 storeys high, has this Victorian look to is, yellow lighting, a foyer....marbled staircases and a lift which look ou of the 1920s high end hotels. kinda feels hauted if you asked me. and in my dreams it is always night time, the building and of course, the hail. some kinda weird crap huh, if u asked me.

in any case to lenghten my post for fun here's a snippet of one of the stories which i had done. hope you like it though. it has kinda twisted ending to it.

Voices
“…to have people say when seen.” Nicholas concentrated in getting the right pitch and emotion to end the aria which his mother taught him some time ago. His song died down in a slow decrescendo as he eventually had to breathe again. Nicholas was filled with elation that he managed to get his pitching correct from the start.

Nicholas Pere stood tall for a young boy of fifteen; he had emerald eyes and strawberry blonde hair that was tied up in a short, neat ponytail. He wore a broad grin on his handsome features most of the time and thus was greatly adored by the people of the small town he resided in. Nicholas was a son of a once renowned opera singer, Margaret Pere, from which he inherited his charming looks and powerful voice. His father went missing after he was born so he never knew him. Margaret gave the gift of song to Nicholas and indulged him with operas after operas and songs after songs since he was but a small child. Unfortunately, he would not be able to forge a living by singing since the only theatre for miles around was burnt down in a freak incident before he was born. Nobody had come to rebuild the beautiful titan near the town square.

As Nicholas sat halfway out of the window of his small, cosy room, staring dreamily into the clouds, his loud humming was abruptly interrupted by a holler from the kitchen downstairs.

“Nicholas,” Margaret called out in a trained, strong voice of a soprano. ”you are needed at Mr Mayfield’s store. He requests that you deliver some goods to Mrs Thatcher’s cottage and he’s giving you 10 pence for your efforts.”

He did not want to miss an opportunity to earn a little something for he was saving as much as he could to buy a fiddle. Nicholas grabbed his straw hat and rushed out of the house to Mr Mayfield’s grocery store, only after telling his mother that he’ll be back by dinner. He ran with almost worn out shoes on the uneven pavements of the town, passing by and occasionally smiling politely at those he knew. The streets were jammed with people on horseback, ladies going to the markets and children playing. It was certainly a lively sight. Nicholas reached Mr Mayfield’s store and it’s owner passed the eager boy a parcel wrapped in coarse brown paper and tied with hemp, he also slipped a shiny ten pence coin into Nicholas’ pockets. With that , Nicholas walked out of the store, cautious that he did not spoil whatever was inside the plain-looking parcel.

It was somewhere in the mid-afternoon when Nicholas had finished running on his rewarding errand. The day had passed its climax and the lazy sun was almost about to set. The sky was still bright but a certain gloom was cast over it as clouds from the west began lolling in, it’s translucence enshrouding the bright blue of the above. Nicholas walked down the narrow, grimy alleyway, flicking his shiny new coin with his thumb and index finger and catching it as it fell. He rambled through the town’s many streets and alleys, observing all the townsfolk at their daily routines, he had more than enough time to get back in time for dinner and that made him long for a little escapade. He tucked the coin back into his trouser pocket, drifting through the town for any interesting thing to do.

Nicholas wandered a bit too far from the masses and soon found himself in a rather deserted area of the town, a place full of poverty, filth and unsightly streets. It was also where the once majestic Theatre Covent stood, now, an old, broken-down building, like a wilted rose, withered and battered by the winds and rain. It was not the first time he had seen the dilapidated structure. He took shelter for the night in the theatre when it started raining, and he could still remember his mother in hysterics on his return. Chuckling slightly, he went in for a quick glance. So immersed in his excitement, he did not realize the air was colder as he stepped through the cracked and weathered marble entrance.

“Wow…it was grander than I have seen before…” Nicholas recalled. He noticed the intricate carvings and dusty sculptures that lined the walls of the Grand Hall. Images of what could have been so many years ago in the Theatre Covent started flashing in his mind, and he imagined the dazzling array of bright lights, people and music that once graced it’s halls, filling it with liveliness.

Margaret have often told her son of her old life in that theatre, when she was a high-spirited young woman, full of youth and vigour. The Theatre Covent was the largest and most majestic building that was ever built for miles around. It housed some of the best musicians, dancers and composers and it was of great privilege just stepping through its’ great doors. Margaret was sent there to train and perform roles there at a tender age of nine. She lived half her life in the theatre. Everyday was a new adventure for her and her companions; there were more places to visit than the days of the year, secret passages that ran undiscovered throughout the buildings and witty humour of the stagehands. It was unfortunate, that such a gentle, mysterious giant could succumb to the fires caused by the careless hand of the new lamp lighter, and years of heartfelt memories were destroyed within a night. In the aftermath, it was reported that two people, a couple were claimed by the fires, both could not found after countless searches in every crevasse of the theatre.

Julien was the young man and Nadine, the young woman. Margaret recalled those two who were so close with her. She told Nicholas that they grew up with her and was close as brothers and sisters. Julien, Nadine and Margaret became professional singers and they could perform angelic trios through their beautifully melded voices and the bonds between them. It was unfortunate when during the fire, they were separated amidst the chaos. Margaret was pulled away by the surging human stampede while Julien and Nadine fell the other direction.

Nicholas snapped out of his reverie, calming the recollections that were evoked. He scanned the large abysmal cavity before him and shook his head with sadness and pity, with a final glance towards the huge half-burnt marble stairs, he turned towards his way out, and the only source of light that invaded these condemned walls. But before he could be enveloped back into the light, he was pulled back in darkness.

The whole time, it was awesomely silent, and then there was sound. Not just any mere sound, but something so exquisite and unique. Nicholas became lost to a song, which echoed throughout the cavity of a hall. Nothing he had heard was compared to that wonderful alchemy that made him feel that he had discovered a gushing river of liquid gold and washed his senses with a large wave of ecstasy. There was not one but two ethereal voices he could hear, and they sang like divine angels. At once, visions tore at his mind, he saw in his delirious mind, images of people dancing feasting and joyful celebration, which were engulfed in visions of death, horror and tumult. It seemed to him as if he knew it for a long time, that they were recollections of memories that were lost in this edifice.

Like a mindless puppet, lured by only the fragile yet alluring strings of the music that was spurned within the building, Nicholas went down to the cellars. He feet dragged but with little sound against the damp wooden floor, the air was heavy with despair and suffering that it clogged up his senses and made him susceptible to any danger that may befall upon him in that state. His eyes were blank and unfocused, like under a high level of hypnotism and his face, expressionless. He moved like a wandering ghost. It was no sooner than he realized when he came to his senses that he found himself standing in front of a scorched door with dim orange light seeping from underneath it.

Emotion came flooding into him the minute he went out of his hypnotic state, wonderment, being the strongest. But what he did next was entirely visceral rather than intellectual. In a paroxysm of curiosity and wonder, he opened the door to gaze upon two figures. One was standing, the other sitting on the dusty cobwebbed stool and both were singing their hearts out expressing their wretched agony.

They were the unfortunate Julien and Nadine who were trapped in the blazing inferno of so many years ago. Not a questioning thought came into Nicholas’ mind; it was as if he knew all along that they were his mother’s friends. The two looked so pale for they had not seen the light of the sun for years, their bodies so frail and sickly thin that a sudden gust of wind might blow them away. At once, fear started coursing though Nicholas as his eyes befell on their faces.

Their faces, one could not have imagined the depth of their sorrow and agony that were expressed on their faces, the emotions being mostly from their eyes. Their eyes were dark and lifeless. So much pain was held in those eyes that looked like bottomless pits. Those sorrowful eyes, which Nicholas looked into, made him fill nauseous and breathless. His heart felt so heavy that he though it might fall out of him and the sorrow and agony in those eyes were reflected in his own being. It reached his very heart. Nicholas staggered and grasped the doorframe for support.

“Are you scared of us?” the woman-ghost, Nadine questioned softly in an eerie manner, turning her head slightly.
“What’s there to be afraid of us? We won’t hurt the son of Margie.” Julien referred his mother in her old nickname. He smiled with those crest-fallen eyes.

Before he fell onto the floor he heard them say in a singsong manner, “ We just want you to sing with us…forever and ever.”

Lithe steps advanced towards his fallen form and enveloped him.
The mansion was filled with a fresh new voice to last for eternity.

Non Commendia

2006-04-10T16:47:00.000+08:00

Gee...i found this picture of Renji stepping on Byakuya's cloak or whatever you callit. The expressions are PRICELESS!!!! Byakuya-sama looks unearthly pissed and Renji's eyes bulge out in FULL HORROR at the consequences. I have this small wish our world was something like that. Amusing in a yet negative situation.

Unfortunatly, our Real Life is not what we discern in comic books or Mangas or any other sort of fictional whatnots. REal Life is cruel, cold, unfeeling and well...if you don't have the survival factor in you. well...you die. but the Real Life is also beautiful and in a wonderfully spiralled vortex of interdependant movements (causes and effects). Everything...the small cry, the bombs, the birth and the death are all interlinked with each other...hrm..if you use take some ideas off the CHAOS THEORY ...well theory. it seems as in the fractal patterns are US and we and reality is interlaced with one another and what we experience is the outcome of previous actions of one another.

ok i am straying from the topic. but you get the idea of cause and effect right?

i have this classmate of mine who is so stubborn. at the cause of her health and studies. you see....that person has this certain passion for doing charitable work....in a way....work w/o pay. ironic right? but still whether or not one get pain=d or not. it is always at the expense of the studies. Particularly her. No matter what I do to coerce her to stop those unuseful activites (if therei s another word for it, pardon me) yet agian adn again she does not seem to get my point. sometimes ifeel like going all out on her. like the the manga...the overly exaggerated actions of one trying to force another to comply with a bazooka or an iron pipe outta nowhere. pity this ain't teh anime world.

but still, i found it rather redundant that one would want to work w/o pay instead of studying. yes you have to be selfless, yet you must be self-consious. mind you. a little selfishness is what all humans have, it is not a bad thing actually but too much of it is of course, bad and too much of selflessness is also bad too, in the case of my friend. what self consious means is that it does not concern the looks although the looks is important but what you can make up to. You study. waht for, bottomline in reality is you study to earn mony in the future right. giving up is = no money. right....sadly some of us dont seem to recognize this downright bottomline of central priority creating a sense of ironicism within ourselves. Meaning in literal terms is: we always complain of the lack of money but don't want to earn it.

well cut long story short, lesson to learn is : don't give up on your studies, it equates to giving up on your future. i may sound llike a parent but heck, this IS life.

of course then, we should not give up on Life, to also equates to giving up on what God provides also the underlying base meaning is giving up on Him. Let me explain:

well if you give up on whatever Life can possibly give to you, it means that You are denying and watsting away what ever can be used to serve the Father. eg. some non-believers know and recieve Christ through their buisness connections....or other events, you get my meaning. we must try to live our live to the fullest, yet, we must humble ourselves mind you. as we gain more insight on the world we have a clearer view of what the world thruly is and how we can go about liveing it w/o trepassing into any ...erm wrong domains. God does not want us to waste our live away right....i know He also made us with a purpose for us to serve Him in VARIOUS WAYS. but who knows what are the ways God wants you to serve Him? you see...we must kinda like get prepared, spritually and yet also have a knowledgable inside view of the world thus makes us more empowered and failing less often. lke say...take up psycology.....maybe who knows you can somehow help people overcome their problems and also tell them about Chirst. sorry if my explainaintion is rather vague but this is the best of my abilities right now. XD

all pathways lead up to the bond between man and God. everything. but somehow i must find a way to put it in clearer terms. i think thats all i've done explaining. but it really let out a lot while writing this...i don't know how many people will read this or maybe some Christians out there can help me correct it if i am wrong about anything.

so...good luck to you all, and have faith in the Lord our God cuz He's the One who can help us in times and signs of trouble or pain in our life.

God bless y'all (. .)V

2006-04-07T20:43:00.000+08:00

this was the degisn which i wanted in our class t-shirt. you can see that it is obviously written - 4 EXP 1 there. well unless you are darn blind then wells....

but my 'dear' class had to choose cartoonish designs argh!!!! just gonna be great looking like foools on Sports dAy. FOOl!

so gunna screw up a maths test and well quite happy for my Physics 31/35 wowo/......

e maths dissapointing. 33/40 onli...argh! must get it near perfect so i can be less worried for Os

shocked that today was not the last day of NPCC! goodness i wanna get outta there soon. i hate another parade..passsing out parade but i musst BEAR with IT! ware wa ganbarimasu desu!

tired from all the ctivities. hrm....well i find it a wonder how i lasted out that long. maybe i have something motivating me to continue to strive on.

James keeps on asking me about my sis. *goes into definsive sis mode*. but well she is like so pretty no wonder guys keep on calling her almost everyday. XD

Chinese Oral Exams

2006-04-05T20:11:00.000+08:00

Ahh.....look at my hammie! aint' Pate cute??
Looks so squeezable and all-round huggable.
Not the person holding...i MEANT the HAMMIE. >.<
pity it died a lllooonnng time ago. so cute and lively when it was alive...sighs.....
aniway i was 'ppose to talk about my CHinese ORal exams rite...

as you all know...i do CL B syllabus.suprised? naw.......
so....i was lucky number 3. normally one would dry out in angst to be the first few. but in my case i am so thankful i'm one e of the first. I went out and a group of rowdy CLB goers went into the classroom makin a helluva noise. argh! they are such hypocrites and peace destroyers. they say that the class is noisy and they themselves are the ones making all the nois. argh....so wished that i were in the bleah world and my lil' Zabimaru keychain could like....extend and kill all of em' but of course...sanity restricted me from doing so.
reading the pasage was ./....in a way ok. but the conversation...i used many English words and gave one word answers! Ohnoes! so dead/
then some dumb blind person sitting behind me sprayed water from his'her water bottle. spalshing all over my a maths fullscap paper and my cheek. BAKA YAROU! and i can't do my a maths for nuts......sigh...so gonna fail tml's paper. i still wonder why i am still here blogging.

Birthdays....

2006-04-03T18:31:00.000+08:00

wow...it has been great few days so far....
for starters, Fri we had the speech day, ok cut long story short, we did rather well for the drill performance. thank goodness i am finally close to the end of my npcc career.
den i went to Encounter with the Holy Spirit at LE, Woodlands. man....the Holy Spirit works in many different ways. People were laughing joy in the prescence of the Holy Spirit and i literally sank on my knees at it's prescence. IT was such an awesome experience. We were struck down, falling to the ground in fear and yet in awe. i could hear the tears and the sobs intermixing with the laughter and the tongues on fire. Although it was such a fiery encounter, yet my soul was calm and ....refreshed. His presence was there like a wave, sweeping and washing everyone of us off our feet. One of the best moments in my life. It was like...as if i felt no more worries, no more pain and hurt, anger as i told everything to the Holy Spirit. wow...... and all this while i was in my NPCC full-U. lanyard and all. kinda looked outta place but who cares.....it is God who matters only. don't think anyone would have found me strange. lol.
Sathurday was my BIRTHDAY....finally.....can watch NC16 movies....erps...i'm joking. there is more to sweet 26 than NC16s.
aniways...i went out with Janis and Pei Xian....to far east plaza......man...got so much nice clothes....unfortunatlys i cannot bear to part my $$ for such hefty prices. >.< saw the Haru shop....sighs.....either too frilly or too many skulls patterns for my liking. Jan and PX says I am such a picky dresser. which is really true.
ate a the Ramen ten. SO EXPENSIVE! and there was like so little chicken served. argh! the green tea (as they called it...i think it was coloured water. erps) was like $1.50....i can get free flow of green tea for 50cents in Malaysia. ^^ M'sia Boleh!!! Ate until Jan can't fit into pants and we couldn't move....greedy us. saw that nice ear rings. $5 per pair...cheap, but still can't part my money for it. waht for???? i dun even wear earrings.
went to bugis. yep...one of the more fun placs i've visited. went up to 2nd level and saw sumimaru. still like the above...either too frilly, too skully* or too ex. >.< picky moi. hhrm..... janis and px went earring crazy. i chose only one. encouraged Jan and Px to mix green-orange-pink-liteblue. they were struck with a realization that I have seriously bad colour combos. argh....i'm not a designer or trend follower....sorry if my colours are outta this world...hehe.
then the dreaded moment of my life. until now...i still don't know what made me pass janis and PX my WALLET to pay for the skirt they passed my to try on. was literally screaming at them not to push aside the curtains and let them see me in skirt. felt like i was not wearing pants the least. of course i wore that bloody skirt...but it felt so....^^^^ naked. ewwww......not just used to it..and they made me put that offending thing on for the rest of the night. it is like soooo girly....olive green skirt 3 cm above the knee...pastel yellow laces and ribbon....argh!!!!! so girly. c'mon...i look crap in a skirt. firstly my legs are like not thin.....and hairy arghhhhhhh!!! vomit blood. so many scars also. not that i am an abused child. i just like to fall down and break my legs. ^.^
they mde me try on soo many other stuff that one can get traumatized. believe me. watch out guys and girls. whenever you hear them say the word 'makeover who's name" RUN! i repeat...RUN! or suffer a fate like mine.
monday came and everyone knows that i bought this skirt out of pastel yellow land. craps....embarressing but funny when i see all the bewildered expressions on their counternances. eg. Chee chun, Amos, Jun You....darren was rathe expressionless but i just it was just trauma.dunno whether it is from realization that it was the end of the world or trauma from imagining me in a Tinkerbell skirt. double sigh. pants are ownage. skirts are....bahhh!! nvm
God Bless those who bought my the LEs Miz CD! gonna listen to it soon. kyahz
still amused at the shocked expressions. haha